The City Recap: So, Uh, Whitney's Not Knockin' Boots (Do "the Kids" Still Say "Knockin' Boots?")

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I would just like to say that I am in no way being paid to blog The City.  I say that because I feel like I should be.  I should be paid to watch this horror for 22 minutes once/per week.  I feel like doing this free-of-charge will help secure me into Sainthood once I meet Santa Christ in heaven.  Do they still have purgatory?  If so, I’m sure I’ll be there for a spell.  I’m sure I’ll see most of you there too.  I’ll be the one with a laptop on my lap without keys on the keyboard.  That’s purgatory for ya!

Anyway, I feel like a broken record saying that this episode was the worst one yet but, alas, it was.  This was one of those shows where everything that happened in the crapisode was actually shown during the commercial that they played 2,571 times during the week.  Here’s what went down:

  • Whitney and Olivia (and her braid/curls) are tasked with choosing clothes for Jessica Alba to wear on the cover of Elle Magazine.  I thought they worked for Diane Von Fartandburp?  I’m confused.  Am I watching The City, The Hills, America’s Next Top Model, or Fashonista?  Wait, these are all technically the same show. Eureka!
  • Whilst Olivia is trying to pick out crappy clothes for the magazine shoot I realize that she is wearing her “Colonel Sanders” white jacket again.  Awesome.  Whitney is trying to convince Olivia of an outfit for the shoot, but to no one’s surprise, shock, and awe, Olivia does not want that outfit for the shoot.  This is of actually no surprise since these scenes were all shown during the commercial.  Oh and, spoiler-alert, Olivia gets the electric-chair at the end of this episode.
  • Meanwhile over at Casa de Bangs Monster, Sleepy Time Allie drags her lifeless body into the apartment as she will be staying with The Bangs Monster until she finds a place.  Seriously, Sleepy Time is the worst.  She can barely keep her eyes open, can barely crack a smile, and sounds like she’s whining allllll the time.  I’m pretty sure these are all signs of malnourishment.  I once sent $10.00 a month to one of those “adopt a kid overseas” type things that Sally Struthers promoted and the kid I got totally reminds be of Sleepy Time.  It’s like whine whine whine.  Blah blah blah.  “I’m hungry. Send food.  There’s so many flies here.”  I wanted to write back and be like, “I had to give up coffee for a month to faux-adopt you, so stop complaining.”  I bet my kid turned out to be one of those SlumDog Millionaire actors.  Damn it! I should have kept in touch.
  • What’s up with Ozzy Bobby’s teeth?  Overbite?  Confusing.  They’re not Audrina teef, but something is up for sure.  And where are the sub-titles in his scenes?  I’m still not following.
  • Are you all sitting down?  Get this.  The clothes that Whitney chose ended up on the cover of Elle Magazine and, are you ready for this, Olivia took the credit for it.  The look on Whit’s face was priceless.  She looked like someone was trying to explain how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly to her.  Either that or she was trying to figure out what the tip should be from her dinner.  Regardless, brilliant Whitney looks and expressions.  Very reminiscent of The Hills.
  • Later the night Whitney and the girls go for drinks.  All boring.  However, things take a turn when Whitney basically admits that she and Ozzy Bobby aren’t doing “boom boom” in the bedroom anymore since he gets back to the apartment at 5am.  Sad.  Very sad.  I say she should call Kelly Cutrone to come on over, grow out her beard, strap on a little something, and play Ozzy Bobby for her.  Anyone with me?
  • Ozzy Bobby and Adam (the Bert and Ernie of our generation) are at the Pink Elephant drinking and speaking with sub-titles.  Finally.  To no one’s surprise, Dani (Ozzy Bobby’s ex) is somehow there.  You see, she’s in NYC for two days.  Oh, and the script told her to be there and where to stand.  Ozzy B goes over to talk to her and make a Vegemite sandwich.  Boring story short, he asks Dani if she’s ready to get out of there.  That’s code for either: (1) Wanna go back and make whoopi until 4:30 in the morning and then I’ll show back up at Whitney’s or (2) want to walk off the set together and then part ways when we hear them yell “cut!” 
  • At the Elle luncheon there are actually people there from both Fashionista and America’s Next Top Model.  Seriously, I’m an F’n genius!  Dianne Von Fartandburp is apparently eating directly out of the bowls in the buffet line.  I kinda dig her.  She’s a mess.  I bet she likes to kick and stretch.  She’s 50!  Olivia continues to take the credit for the Elle cover.  Whitney handles it well by walking away and placing her hands over her entire face.  This symbolizes “frustration.”  I love when I find symbolism in The City.  They make it so hard to figure out though.
  • Finally, Sleepy Time Allie and Whitney have coffee at this place where I want to eat everything that I saw.  I like cake.  Anyway, Sleepy Time musters up enough energy to say her lines and tell Whitney that Ozzy Bobby was hanging out with his ex, Dani, last night.  Poor Whitney.  She looks pissed and sad.  Maybe she just looks like she wants to take a piss.  It’s hard to decipher.  Ohhh I just used the word “decipher.”  I am wicked smart.  Anyway, was it just me or did anyone else want to eat that red cake that was directly behind Whitney in that last scene?  I mean, I know Sleepy Time Allie didn’t want to eat it, but I did.

This was the worst. So basically, Olivia stole the credit for the Elle cover and Ozzy Bobby hung out with his ex-girlfriend without tellinK Whitney.  That’s it.  That’s all.  Next week may be a little promising.  Ozzy Bobby is peacing out and going “on tour” and walking out on Whitney. If someone would toss Sleepy Time in a tanning bed, this may save the entire season.  I’ll begin the letter writing campaign.

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