The City Recap Season Finale: Whitney Tries To Sell Her Clothes to the Rusted Boxes at Burgerdork John Goodman…At Least I think That's What Happened.

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 Another season of The City has come and gone.  Just when I was about to stop repeatedly punching myself in the nuts the entire time the show was on, I actually began to like watching it.  It’s the oldest story, I know.  So what will happen to our City friends?  Will Erin Jo be booked and charged for the brutal murder of Olivia Palermo?  Will Joe Zee Messina frantically explode?  Will Roxy Horror show us one last dance?  Will Kelly Cutrone legally adopt Whitney Port?  All this and less will be answered in the season finale recap of The City…

  • Well good news for Whitney.  Kelly Cutrone, who is looking awfully tan in this episode, had got Whito a sales meeting with Burgerdork John Goodman.  I thought the last time she was there they laughed her out of the office, but apparently this time Whitney gets to flash her lookbook at them and see if they bite it.  That sentence was more sexual than I planned, but you know what, I’m keeping it in here because, well, I’m one classy son-of-a-shut-yo-mouth!
  • Kelly believes that it will be a horrible idea if Whitney brings Roxy Horror to this high-powered sales meeting, but I disagree.  You totally know that Roxy is going to spew out some nonsense that will somehow make Whitney appear to be even smarter (or “wicked more smaaaaht” for those of you reading this in the Boston area).
  • Cowbell Update:  They starting hitting the cowbell while Whitney was still in the middle of talking.  How do I get a cowbell to follow me around and just starting going-off when I have a good idea or something?  Can I hire an intern to do something like that?  Any takers?  Anyone want to play with my cowbell?  Not for money or anything. 
  • I’d like to go on record (with Greta Van Susteren) that I like Brynn the intern or as I like to call her “Stacie the Intern” since I’m still convinced she is really Stacie the Pointless Bartender from The Hills.  Anyway, I like Stacie the Intern because she looks like she’s constantly shatting her pants every time she has to talk to Erin Jo Buttafucco.  She’s shaky when she talks….like a chipmunk.  Yes, chipmunks talk to me.
  • Back over at Pubic Revolution, Roxy Horror can’t seem to understand why Kelly doesn’t want her going with Whitney to sell her clothing line.  Let me repeat that….to sell her clothing line.  Roxy, who is only on a TV show, may not be the best person to do this.  I mean, why not just get that guy off the street, who sold Olivia those designer bags in SoHo, to help Whitney?
  • Roxy Horror heads into Kelly’s office to confront her and I’m pretty sure I saw cups of water shaking like in Jurassic park, as all of the workers in the office looked horrified, and a little confused.  Kelly goes off on Roxy asking her if she knew what skews SSB141 and things like “is that blanded or f.o.b” mean?  Seriously she was rattling enough codes off that I’m almost certain she is secretly signaling an al qaeda terrorist attack somewhere in the world.  However, my favorite part was when she told Roxy Horror that if she goes it would be like Lucy and Ethel in a bad Steven King film.  Bravo, bravo!  Kelly then kicks Roxy Horror out of her office and says the standard MTV reality show line, “I’m done, I’m done.”
  • Obviously none of that conversation sunk in because Roxy Horror is helping Whitney with her Burgerdork John Goodman sales meeting.  And, as an added bonus, Kelly can’t make the meeting and Whitney says, “Ugh, she’s not cominK.”  It’s been a while since we’ve been lucky enough to hear Whito add the “k” where the “g” goes at the end of a word.  It must be stress related.  I have no clue, I’m just guessinK.
  • However, Sam and the gap between her teeth is at the meeting and she’s explaining to Whitney who’s showing up for this high-powered meeting.  As she’s rattling off names we get to see these “no-nonsense business women” get out of their chauffeured cars.  I’m not impressed with them.  They all look like their boxes are rusted shut.  Pass.
  • Meanwhile over on the other show, “Erin Jo and Olivia Fist-Fight Throughout Manhattan”  the gang is at the Today Show with Joe Zee Messina and he is losing his sh*t because he’s just about to go on air and has no idea what any of the models are wearing and what their “price-points” are.  I hate that I know what that term even means.  On the plus side, we get to see Hoda Kotbe and Snatchy Lee Gifford and, well, there are worse things to encounter in life.  Joe Zee Messina is talking at about 100 mph so there is only one person who can keep up with him and that is one Ms. Erin Jo, but she is nowhere to be found so, whilst on air, Joe Zee just tells Hoda that all the “looks” are under $100.00.  Erin Jo hears this and makes a face similar to the way you would react if you found a newborn baby in a basket on your front steps with a note and a rattle.  Olivia, on the other hand, looks like she’s watching paint dry.  Clearly, she gets it.
  • Operation Sales Meeting Failure:  The rusted snatch women are critiquing Whitney’s poor fashions and they do not seem pleased at all.  Perhaps it’s all in the editing (go figure) but I think they called them mismatched, makes her look too large, and cheap fabric.  I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking Roxy interprets this feedback as “buying signs.”  Whitney ends the meeting with a shrug mixed with a sad face and says, “I’m learning.”  Way to fake it till you make it, Whit!
  • Switching back to the Today Show, Joe Zee finishes up his segment and he and Erin Jo are talking so fast about what the F just happened that I’m pretty sure they just sold me a set of Micro-Machines.  As Erin Jo is talking smack about Olivia she walks directly into her and Olivia tells Joe Zee Messina that he did a good job.  The argument continues with who told whom about what and BLAH.  I’m sweating my ass off just listening to them.  At one point I dumped a small cup of water over my head and gave myself some orange slices and then wrapped myself in an aluminum foil cape.
  • Olivia keeps saying that she bagged up all the clothes and the way she’s saying sounds like she’s trying to convince them that she just landed the plane in the Hudson River.  She’s like, “I bagged alll the clothes, they’re all bagged.  And I have the polaroids.”  Sweet!  When does she get awarded the key to the city!?
  • The “next day” at the office, Joe Zee Messina, Erin Jo, and Olivia (whom I have no idea why I’ve never nicknamed her) are discussing the friction they have towards each other on a daily basis.  This is a pretty good scene because I like watching people fight.  It makes me feel better about myself.  The only thing I’m confused with is that I think that part of this scene was shot with Olivia and Erin Jo sitting next to each other, but then I think some of the parts were edited in when they were just one-on-one with Joe Zee.  You know what I mean?  Oh who cares?!  Anyway, Erin Jo starts ramping up to about 85 mph and then her eyes fill up a bit and she has to peace-out of the meeting before she gets “upset.”  They no longer know if they can work together moving forward.  Oh, you know what may help with that?  If MTV gives them another season and starts paying them “Heidi and Spencer” kind of money.  If not, Olivia will go back to having to deal with being an unemployed millionaire.  Erin Jo will be on the 6:00 news.
  • In the end, Whitney meets with Kelly and she tells Whitney that she thinks that she should have  fashion show in Bryant Park during fashion week.  I guess basically this will either make or break Whitney’s career, but Kelly thinks this is a leap of faith.  If it doesn’t work she claims Whito’s career is over for good.  On the other hand, Kelly says she’ll take that risk with Whitney and if it bombs she’ll go down the drain with her. Awwwww.  Well, in New York City, they say Kelly Cutrone’s small heart grew three sizes that day.  And then the true meaning of helping came through and Kelly Cutrone found the strength of ten Cutrone’s, plus two!

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