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Well gang, get out all your eye rolls and dead stares now because it’s officially the last crapisode of The City for the season. Sleepy Time Allie can finally get the rest she needs. I’d like to spoon with her…and by spoon, I really mean fork. Oh! Oopa! Here’s what went down on the Season Finale of The City (which I believe was just shot 14 minutes ago).
- Just like every episode starts, Whitney and Olivia get their assignment for some thing, or somebody, or some animal they need to pick out dresses for. I have no idea where they said it is. I’ll assume they’re picking out dresses in hell, which is where I am right now. Sidenote, Olivia finally looks like she lost that weight she’s been packing on all season. She must be up to Olsen size at this point.
- Oh well here’s a little wrench in the script! Adam stops by The Bangs Monsters job and grabs her by the shoulders and asks to talk to her for a second. The Bangs Monster looks like she just saw a dead person….or Sleepy Time….and the two head out to the lobby to chit-chat like school girls at the arts-and-crafts table.
- Sweet! They’re having a sass-off! I love a sass-off! Adam’s pulling the “Spencer Pratt I’ll Call You Out at Work” surprise! What a real treat it is. There’s lots of bleeping out of swear words. They totally have my attention when they do that.
- Ok so this fight consists of literally every single thing that the teenagers used to say on Sally Jesse Raphael: Teen Boot Camp episodes…which is: You don’t know me! You don’t know me! Don’t judge me! You don’t know me! You’re a player! You don’t know me! Don’t point your finger at me! You don’t know me!
- Anyone else notice that Whitney and Olivia picking out clothes and fighting is really just the new “Heidi hanging up clothes in her closet while Spencer yells at Heidi because of her mom?” They don’t even try to switch it up.
- Sweeeeeeet! Whitney calls Lauren Cockring! I think they should totally get Cami and Kristin from Laguna Beach on three-way….or just have a three-way…whatever is easier. Lauren answers the phone and has the baby-doll “I just gave $2 dollar sucky sucky to the entire production crew of The Hills” raspy voice. I miss that whorey raspy voice.
- Whit-o-palooza thinks she may have made a mistake coming to NYC. I think she makes a mistake on the English language. Who cares, we already know you signed up for season 2. I hope that doesn’t air until 2012.
- Later, Sleepy Time Allie and her Wednesday Adams-like face stops by Casa de Bangs Monster and I notice two things that are more interesting than their conversation. 1. The Bang Monster pinned back her bangs. 2. TBM painted that horrible lime-green wall to a light blue color. The light blue really makes Sleepy Time’s eyes start to close. See? Even TBM is trying to help put Sleepy Time down for a nap. Oh, where’s her binky? Cute little Sleepy Time. I bet she did boom boom in her onsie. Seriously, what?!
- Well well well, it’s the Diane Von Fartandburp fashion show! I bet there will be a lot of chaos and eye rolls.
- What the hell song are they playing whilst the models are crapping down the catwalk? It sounds like Kelly CUNTrone singing karaoke. Oh I wish it was. I miss her. She is a handsome woman…and could totally be the maternal mother of Sleepy Time Allie. I’ll spend the downtime between seasons researching their family tree (which I assume is a Sleeping Willow….oopa!)
- Oh sniggity snap! Whitney calls out Olivia on that whole “who pulled the pants” for the horrible cover of sucky Elle Magazine. Who cares? Pull my finger. Anyway, Whitney finally speaks up and Olivia tells Whito that she’ll give her more credit and blah blah blah. The best part is when Olivia walks way the camera follows her and she looks like a crazy person carrying axe ready to slaughter someone. Priceless.
- Stop the press. No really, stop. At the DVF afterparty, Whito is sitting by herself drinking (hot) and Diane Von Fartandburp comes creepily walking over towards Whitney like a troll coming out from under a bridge and asks Whit why she’s sitting alone, where her boyfriend is, etc. Really? Like she cares. She’s Diane Von Fartandbrup and, well, Whitney’s Whitney.
- Oh it gets WAY better. DVF starts spewing out quotes to Whitney such as, “Absence is to love, what the wind is to fire. When it’s a small fire, the wind kills it. But when it’s a real fire, it intensifies it. So absence should do that.” Hahahahahaha! Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it! You can totally read it all over Whitney’s face that she realized she got that wrong on her SATs!
- Sleepy Time and Adam and they’re terrible acting skills reunite. Maybe they should get their own spin-off and by “spin-off” I mean “the electric chair.” They’re a snooze.
- Olivia gets chosen to go to London for some job. Looks like she’ll never be known as the girl who didn’t go to London. She will, however, be known as the girl who forgot to eat food.
- Olivia breaks the news to Whitney about the job and Whitney looks like she’s ready to do #2 down Olivia’s throat.
- What a surprise! OzzyBobby is outside of DVF to surprise Whito and make my ears bleed.
- Ozzy Bobby tell Whitney that he (insert Australian accent) really does love and her it’s better late than never. What a happy ending.
- Oh wait! Toss out a z-snap because Whitney tells him it’s too little to late (just like Jojo sang) and she’s going to be on her own for now. Wow, I’m kind of surprised. Perhaps they’ve been listening to my rants and plan on scrapping Sleepy Time Allie, Adam, and Ozzy Bobby? I’m like the great and powerful Oz(zy Bobby).
Well folks, that’s that. I must admit we all have our crosses to bear and recapping The City for this entire season was mine. Now I’m off to find Olivia and have an eye-roll-off with her. Cow bell, cow bell, cow bell!