Welcome to The City recap! Unlike The Hills, no one seems to be on drugs, well, except Olivia who seems to be on enough tranquilizers to stop a charging rhino. This week we get to see Whitney show her rags off to some magazine people (and the MTV cameras) and Roxy might be getting banged in a van from some new photographer who may or may not be a real live person. You’ll have to watch and see. Like Kelly Cutrone after a few tequila shots, this is what went down last night:
- Starting out an episode of The City with anyone else but Kelly Kiki Cutrone is just stupid. Kiki busts into Pubic Revolution like a black bat out of hell to share with Whitney and Roxy the great reviews that Whitney got from her very first fashion show. Everyone at Pubic Rev claps when Kiki reads the glowing reviews at 100 mph and Whitney reacts like she’s just won an Oscar. Roxy, on the other hand, looks like smoke is coming out of her head while trying to understand (a) what Kelly Cutrone is reading and (b) why noise is coming from peoples hands when they bang them together.
- It’s always interesting looking at the people at Pubic Rev because no one looks familiar. What happened to the cast of characters that sat in those same spots during Bravo’s “Kell on Earth?” And, not for nothing, but how come we never saw Roxy and/or Whitney during that show as they are technically sitting directly next to Kelly’s assistant Andrew Muckandmall? I’m a tool for even noticing that. Carry on.
- Later, a new photographer stops by Pubic Rev to chat it up with Kiki. His name is Zach and he kinda looks like if Robert Patterson and Rocky Dennis had a baby…and then that baby grew up…and then that person still wore toddler sized clothes. While Zach Dennis is showing his naked photographs he took of people on the subway to Kiki, Roxy is almost falling off her chair to try and listen to what they’re talking about. Maybe she just can’t balance and film scenes at the same time. One may never know. Finally Kiki invites Roxy in to her “meeting” and allows Roxy to have more responsibility by helping out Zach on his upcoming photo shoot. I’m sure this is code word for “reach around.” The whole Pubic Rev office has a laugh when Roxy suggests that Whitney wants to get naked for for Zach and Whitney squeals with delight. What fun.
- The “next day” Whitney and Kiki are showing her collection (giggity) to a bunch of random editors/press from random magazines. I believe the magazines were Teen Beat, Tiger Beat, Word Up, and Mad Libs.
- Roxy has to faux-call Olivia over at Elle Magazine to see if she would like to attend the collection showing in about 10 minutes. This is when the sass-off begins. Olivia is pissed that Roxy would call last minute like this and Roxy claims she emailed Olivia earlier about it and was hoping she would be willing to do this for Whitney since she knows her. Olivia leaves in a huff and tells Erin that Roxy is extremely unprofessional. This is coming from a girl whose work desk is empty and tumbleweed blows by on the regular. Erin doesn’t disappoint and gives a huge sigh, a bit of a crooked smile, and a half eye roll. She must be warming up her face for some big reactions later in the crapisode. As a sidenote, I know I give Erin Jo Buttafucco a lot of sh*t, but I really kind of like her. Like, I think we could be friends in real life, you know, if she didn’t know how to read and never saw this site before. I kind of think that this is how Elodie from The Hills would have turned out had she stuck around for a little while longer. Good old Elodie. Friend til the end.
- Roxy and her new photographer boyfriend, who are both basically sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g, are picking out clothes for his random street photo shoot. Wait a second, is Zach really Ozzy Bobby (Jay) from season 1 with a shorter haircut and without his Australian accent? Hmmm, we’re gonna need to go to Maury to take a DNA.
- Meanwhile at Whitney’s collection showing for the random editors everyone loves her clothes and wants to put them on right now and make dirty boom boom in them right then and there. Speaking of dirty boom boom, Olivia shows up and brings a wondrous vibe of douche with her. She kicks things off by throwing Roxy Horror under the bus right in front of Kiki Cutrone for calling last minute. Since Olivia didn’t bring her camera like everyone else did, she’s forced to take a “look book.” Seriously, does Olivia have any idea how to do her job or any job (minus blow) for that matter? Doubtful. When Kiko Palooza suggests that Olivia interview Whitney for her “up and coming designers” blog Olivia just turns her back to her and looks at the rack of clothes. I’m sure this scene was edited within an inch of its life, but obviously Olivia, in real life, couldn’t give two shiz’s about how she’s portrayed as she keeps coming back season after season like a pesky case of herpes. If I were taking the SAT’s right now I’d be in the section that says something like: Olivia is to The City as Herpes is to Unpleasant Moments. I have no idea. I think I got a 790 on my SAT’s. Go figure.
- Roxy Horror and Zach are out in the Meat Packing District trying to get random people on the street to be models for the day and have their picture taken. Let me tell you something, I know exactly where they are shooting this and you can find me out there 5 days a week eating my lunch outside and never do I see Whitney, Roxy, a random photographer, or an MTV camera crew out there. And, trust me, I’m looking. Everyday. 5 days a week. Specifically for a camera crew. Any camera crew. Even a tourist from Iowa taking a “vacation home movie.” Blah. Why can I never have the luck of having Roxy come up to me and then throw me into a van to get changed and then take pictures as I jump off stuff? Not fair.
- At the end of the street photo shoot Zach asks Roxy out. Well, he technically asks her what her “situation” is. At this point I assumed we were going to go into a commercial for Jersey Shore, but it didn’t happen. Roxy reacts to this question like he asked her if her vaginastein had icicles hanging off of it right now. Will these two get together? Who cares. Will I end up writing about them next week? Probably. Will Roxy ever admit that she is also a real-life actress and has appeared on Brothers and Sisters and doesn’t really need this fashion internship? Doubtful.
- Back at Elle Magazine, Olivia fills in Erin on how much she hated (basically) Whitney’s collection and how she’s not going to do anything with Whitney’s fashion line since there was no real theme. When Olivia tells Erin that she’s going to pass on working with Whitney and “that’s going to be it” Erin doesn’t disappoint by making a face that looks like she’s about to projectile vomit all over Olivia after having 5 tequila shots and 2 burritos. Personally, I just want to see an entire episode of Erin making faces and then we have to guess what situation she’s in. Someone make this happen.
- In the end, Joe Zee Messina is having in monthly department meeting (I assume) where everyone goes around the table and talks about all the great things they’re working on. That is, until it’s Olivia’s turn and she once again makes excuses on why she doesn’t have anything to show for. Joe Zee Messina looks very sad and disappointed like he just watched someone snap his cats neck in front of him while he was sitting on Santa Claus’ lap as Santa suffered a heart attack and his beard fell off exposing him as the mall security guard the whole time. Just me?
- Erin throws Olivia under the bus during the meeting and talks about how she really liked Whitney’s fashion line and then everyone else chimes in saying how much they liked it as well. Erin tosses Joe Zee Whitney’s look book and Olivia looks like she’s going to take off her toothpick legs and stab Erin with them and then crawl out of the boardroom on her hands and waist.
- Joe Zee Messina also loves Whitney’s junk and asks Olivia why she looks so underwhelmed by it. I think he meant to ask Olivia why she looks so malnourished not underwhelmed. It’s ok Joe, we all make mistakes like that once in a while. I don’t though. I mean, you run a magazine and stuff. So, well, get it together.
- Finally, back at Pubic Rev, Kelly tells Whitney that Elle Magazine has confirmed Whitney to be featured on some random website and Roxy Horror tells Whitney that she now owes Olivia a favor. Perhaps a sexual favor? If so, I hope Whitney likes licking toothpick and, you know what, I’m pretty sure she does. I’m. Pretty. Sure. She. Does.