The City Recap: Not Wearing Guess Can Send Joe Zee Into Cardiac Arrest


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  • We’re kicking things off at (h)Elle Magazine and a loving exchange between Olivia and Erin Jo.  Erin Jo is filling in Olivia on some event that Guess is having and Olivia is looking at Erin Jo like she’s a 2 year old reciting a blueberry muffins recipe.  At the same time Erin Jo is talking at Joe Zee speeds and, coincidentally, making me feel the need to buy a set of Micro-Machines.
  • As Erin tells Olivia about what needs to be done Olivia, literally, looks like she’s being stabbed.  She keeps squirming around and rolling her eyes like she’s trying to run from feelings of love and compassion.  Olivia cuts off Erin and tells her that she’ll talk to Joe about whatever she is rambling about and will check her schedule to see if she has time to do what Erin just told her to do.  Seriously, she’s responding like Erin just asked her to come over for a scones and lemonade picnic.  After Olivia finishes spinning back and forth in her chair, Erin sits back and literally laughs at her.  I mean, there could have been a cameraman holding a stuffed animal up in the air and yelling for Erin to “look at the pretty bird, look at the silly bird, Erin” but one will never know.
  • Over at Pubic Rev, Whitney is losing her sh*t with excitement over feathers the same way my 3 year old niece does.  I’m not sure why she’s so exited but she wants Roxy Horror to “pull looks” that have feathers in it.  She should have been more specific as I now assume Roxy will be chasing pigeons around all over New York City with a toothpick in one hand and a ziplock back in the other.
  • All Things Cutrone heads into the office to let Roxy Horror know that because she’s such a F-up she is no longer going to be helping Whitney sell her rags to Teen Beat magazine anymore and will be focusing on new clients who she can burn bridges with and, in the end, be the real reason why Pub Rev will be filing for Chapter 11 by the end of the fiscal year.
  • Kelly informs the girls that Erin Jo has invited them to a Elle party to which Whito replies, “Will Olivia be there probably?”  Oh almost Whitney!  This is the closest that Whitney has come to completing an actual sentence.  However, I believe the order of words should have been, “Will Olivia probably be there?”  I’ll give her a B+ and allow her to do some extra credit work to bump up her grade to an A.  I’ll have it be something to do with feathers.  Feathers and a reach around.
  • Erin Jo heads over to Guess to dig up the body of Anna Nicole Smith and to get some clothes for the fiesta.  Olivia is there too.  At one point Olivia flips through a book in the waiting room, looks at two pages, closes the book and says, “Hmm interesting.”  Why yes, Olivia, it is interesting when you turn the pages and a giant elephant and panda don’t pop up.  It’s also interesting when you’re flipping through a book and there isn’t a crowd of people in it with Waldo hiding behind the cotton candy machine.
  • Yowza.  While at Guess we get to meet Alina Hauptman.  She has that look on her face like Cindy Brady did when she was on the game show and froze up when the red light went on.  I hope she doesn’t puke.  I kinda hope she does, actually.
  • While digging through the racks (giggity) Olivia lets us know that in elementary school she wore an eclectic group of designers and Erin Jo looks as she if she’s about to declare jihad on the showroom.  I do believe that Olivia did wear all different designers as she probably wanted to be known as the fashionable skank whilst she was giving hand jobs on the monkey bars.
  • Olivia must have been reading up on her Gag Book-o-Jokes while on the toilet because she takes a skimpy white dress/shirt off the rack and tells Erin, “This would look good on you…with a big chunky sweater.”  Oh no you didn’t.  Oh no you just did not.  Erin should have zinged her back with, “Thanks, but I think it would look better on you and it will really make your feeding tube pop!”
  • At the Guess event, Whitney chats it up with Joe Zee Messina, who is going to take a look at Whitney’s rack and her new clothing line.  What luck.  Meanwhile, Olivia is on the step and repeat not interviewing people but being interviewed instead.  Ugh, what interesting things can you possibly ask Olivia about?  “So….um….er…..uh… tired?”  Joe Zee is about to fall to the ground and throw a tantrum because Olivia is not wearing any Guess clothes at the Guess event.  And that’s when Alina steps in.  She asks Olivia what happened to the clothes she gave her and Olivia lets her know that none of them fit so she didn’t wear them.  Basically, Guess should have clothes that are tailored to a broom stick because that’s all that’s going to fit on Olivia.  She needs something that really shows off her collar bone.
  • At Pub Rev Roxy Horror is helping her new clients while Kelly Cutrone is dressed like Ugly Betty.  One guy comes up, literally, wearing Joan Rivers QVC jewelry and, well, I’ve had enough at this point.
  • Back at Elle, Joe Zee Messina is scolding Olivia over the fact that she didn’t wear Guess clothes at the Guess party.  Olivia literally laughs and says, “Oh Joe.”  Joe Zee Messina tells Olivia that it’s not funny and that it’s a serious thing.  I’m sure he wanted to end that sentence with, “…but I still love you and please please please let’s still be best friends and don’t defriend me on Facebook ok?  Ok?  Ok, here’s $100 now go out and get a nice big lunch and then throw it up and then let Erin eat it.”
  • This whole time Erin looks like she’s trying to figure out ways to perform a murder-suicide without actually killing herself.  Although Erin also looks like she has raccoon eyes, so may she’s just battling a bout of that pesky rabies?
  • Later that day, Whitney shows up at Elle to show Joe Zee her rack.  They edit the piss out of the scene to make it look like while she’s waiting for Erin to bring her to Joe’s office that she and Olivia just give each other awkward glances.  Nice try, but like Caroline Manzo says, I am not buying it.  First off I’m not even sure that Olivia sits in front of Erin.  I assume they just have a green screen there and then through the magic of Pixar they somehow add her into these scenes and make her mouth move and eyes blink…and roll.
  • Whito shows her flammable clothes to Joe Zee and Anne Slowey.  To sum up this scene, Anne Slowey hates all of Whitney’s clothes and, I’m sure if she could, she would place Whitney under citizens arrest.  Poor Whitney, I actually felt bad for her for a second, but then I remembered she’s on a TV show and gets paid more for a season than I’ll see in a year to I quickly stopped feeling bad for her.
  • Whitey, who looks like Tony the Tiger is feeling her up, and Kelly Cutrone are having a nice lunch and Whitney is venting to Kiki Cutrone about how much Anne Slowey hated her line.  Kiko tells Whito that she can feel bad for 2 hours but then should be jumping up and down that she even got that meeting with Anne Slowey.  I think that’s great advice.  It’s Grrrrrrrrrrrreat!
  • In the end, Erin Jo is having a top secret (I have no idea) lunch with Louise Roe, a fashion journalist.  You want to know what’s interesting to me about this?  Louise.  You don’t really hear that name too much anymore.  Louise.  Oh, or Francis.  Not many Francis’ out there kicking around.  Moving on.  Louise looks like a mix between Kelly Bensimon and Elle McPhearson….mixed with a little meth.  Erin Jo fills in Louise that she thinks she’ll be great for Elle and that they do have someone who “works” there now (Olivia) but it’s not working out so well.  Wait, it’s not?  I thought it was working out awesomely.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that Olivia is getting promoted from “Joe Zee’s Best Friend” to “Girl Who Stands Next to Water Cooler and Says “Sorry I’ll Only Be a Second.”  No?

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