The City Recap: Miami Just Got Douchier

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Where to begin?  Where to begin?  As much as I like to throw “Sleepy Time” Allie/Vicky the Robot under the blogging bus on a weekly basis, I kinda think that she saved this episode for me.  I mean, watching her “model” brought new meaning to my life, but we’ll get to that in a bit.  This episode, to me, was so bad that I’m not even giving it bullet points.  Instead, here’s what was learned as we traveled through this crazy show called, “The City.”

The Douche Bag Gang 2.0 (minus Sleepy Time Allie) are heading out of the cold streets of NYC and are going on a trip to sunny Miami.  Sleepy Time Allie gives instructions to The Bangs Monster to keep a watchful eye over Adam, who must not realize there is a camera crew following him whilst he’s out.  Now I’m pretty sure that I saw in Us Weekly two weeks ago that the gang was filming scenes in Miami so this is like watching The City in real-time. 

If there is one big take-away from the scenes in Miami it’s that it’s filled with bare-asses, big sunglasses, and Australian accents.  The City took a cue from The Hills, last season, and staged the dudes to soak in a hot-tub.  Douche soup!  The guys talk about wreaking havoc while on their trip and Whitney discusses to the ladies that she does trust Jay and that some people can call her naive.  Uh, those “people” are me.  Although, I probably just typed that you were naive…and I probably spelled it “Nivea.”  I’m smart like that.  Wait a second, would Whitney and me (Whitney and I?) make the perfect couple?  Hmmm.

Anyrot, the highlight for the entire episode for me was watching Sleepy Time Allie “model.”  Pure brilliance.  Watching Sleepy Time Allie model is like watching her shoot a normal scene for The City.  She looks pissed off, tired, and like she’s about to pass out at a moments notice.  I’m also almost certain that the dude she was “modeling” with was John Norris from MTV news.  At some points Sleepy Time Allie would crack a bit of a smile.  That smile actually changes the entire look of her face.  She should stop that at once.

John Norris tries to put the scripted moves on Sleepy Time.  He asks her to grab a beer or a Snapple.  Sleepy Time alerts John Norris that she has a boyfriend so “it’s kinda weird.”  Being forced to watch Sleepy Time flirt should be a tactic they use to force the terrorists to give up their secrets.  I swear to Jesus Claus, if we tossed Sleepy Time Allie into a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden would come running out waving a white flag and with wine corks in his ears and eyes.  He’s like “screw the 100 virgins in heaven, I’d rather rot in jail than listen to this bitch.”

Meanwhile, the club that the Douche Bag Gang 2.0 is at is like my personal hell.  Nightmare city.  To everyone’s shock, Ozzy Bobby’s ex-girlfriend (??) Danielle/Dani is there standing just steps away from Ozzy B and Whitney.  She goes over to chat it up with Whitney and Dani pulls  a line from the “Lo Bosworth book of Audrina” and ends her conversation to Whitney by saying, “I’m glad we could talk.”  I’m glad this episode is halfway over.   The only thing that saved this scene was The Bangs Monster constantly watching Adam in “the club” the whole time.  She’s like a diddler sitting on a park bench gazing at the jungle gym.  The Bangs Monster calls Sleepy Time to let her know that there are girls standing around Adam.  Yeah, because that’s a crime.  It’s a club.  And there is a camera crew around him.  That’s odd.

All this information has forced Sleepy Time to take John Norris up on his offer to grab a beer and/or a Snapple.  Sleepy Time puts on an Olsen Slut fur coat and leaves the photo shoot with John Norris.  I wonder what happened next?  I mean, I’m sure they yelled “cut” and then they pulled the batteries out of Sleepy Time and stored her in a large box until the next scene.

The Douche Bag Gang 2.0 is back from Miami.  That was quick.  I’m sure the producers were like, “this is stupid” and made them go home.  Whitney and Ozzy Bobby are having a discussion about people who over-justify things and blah blah blah.  Whitney is pissed about the whole Dani situation and says that the conversation is making her nauseous.  The conversation is making her sick.  Uh, Whitney, you now know how we all feel having to watch this crap on a weekly basis.  I should go on Intervention for my addiction to this crap.  Whitney also lets us know that she doesn’t want to be played for a fool.  Too late.  It was originally called “The Hills: Season 1 Episode 2.”

Adam and Sleepy Time meet up for some dinner and they fight it out the whole time.  Sleepy Time Allie releases water from her eyes because Adam had girls around him in Miami.  He’s a whiny bitch.  She’s the worst.  Actually, I’m the worst because I watch this and then write about it.  I need medical help.  Sleepy Time tells Adam about getting a Snapple with John Norris and that she should start faux-looking for a new apartment.  Good.  Get that apartment and lock yourself in there for life.  Seriously, if they don’t cut Adam, Ozzy Bobby, and Sleepy Time out of next season I’m going to be pissed.

In the end, Whitney is shopping with Jess, Pottsy’s girlfriend.  I’m actually going to repeat that.  Jess, Pottsy’s girlfriend.  One more time.  Jess, Pottsy’s girlfriend.  Who in the holy F is Jess?  More importantly, who the F is Pottsy?  What have I missed? Are they just messing with us? And why can you park a bus between the gap in Jess’s front teeth?  Seriously, a school bus.  She should get that shit closed up. 

Anyway, “Pottsy’s girlfriend” lets Whitney know that Jay has a temper, is untrustworthy (which Whitney doesn’t understand what that word means) and that “there’s always something with Jay.”  Yeah, an Australian accent.  I wonder what Pottsy thinks of this?

Seriously, was this the worst episode of the season?  And where was my little Olivia?  What a shame when she’s not on the show. Maybe we can set Olivia up with Pottsy?  Pottsy.  Really?  Pottsy.

 

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