The City Recap: If Olivia Gets Fired From Elle, I Quit Life.

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Better late than never.  This week on The City it’s Fashion Week in New York City which is like Christmas morning for these people.  For me, it’s a bit of a snooze, but I’m confident that my friend Olivia and the rest of the gang will make this episode everything I’ve dreamed about and more.  And less.  Let’s see what went down on the latest episode of The City: The British Are Coming (that’s pretty personal):

  • Is Kelly Cutrone sporting black hair extensions?  Good God I hope so.  I’d love it if Kiko turned into a huge media sex pot.  Like I really want her to smut it up, a ton.  A real lot.  Basically if Kelly Cutrone got the cover of FHM I’d want her in a black bikini and I’d expect her tan lines to actually be a tan and the rest of her body pale white.  I expect nothing less from my little Kiko.  Wow.  I really started this recap off at the very bottom of the barrel.  Oh well, no where but up, my friends, no where but up.
  • Kelly Cutrone reminds Whitney that it’s Fashion Week in NYC and, well, she doesn’t have a fashion show this year.  However, maybe one will happen for her at the last minute….like in Nebraska?  Who knows.  All that matters is that Kelly lets us all know that if you aren’t back stage at a fashion show or not in the first three rows then you are a number 1 loser.  Awesome!  I have a quick question.  What if you aren’t back stage at a fashion show and you’re not in the first three rows during a fashion show, but you sit on your couch and you recap a conversation about fashion show rules?  What’s worse than a loser?  Once that is named, please label me with that.
  • Meanwhile over at (h)ELLE Magazine evil headquarters, Joe Zee Messina is having his daily/weekly/hourly/minutely meeting to discuss Fashion Week and he looks like he’s ready to break out into a sweat just talking about it.  I’m expecting to see someone hand him some orange slices, a small cup of water, and then wrap him in an aluminum foil cape once he’s done speaking.  Seth, my arch nemesis, is at the meeting and, not for nothing, but I don’t even see the kid holding a pen and taking a notes.  He’s just smirking.  If this were an episode of The Smurfs, he’d be Smirky Smurf.  Joe Zee would be Speedy Smurf.  Erin Jo would be Faces Smurf.  And Olivia would be Dead Behind the Eyes Smurf.  I, of course, would be Camera Hog Smurf….and Jokey Smurf, obviously.  I’d save my first exploding box for Olivia because, well, I’d assume she’d save hers for me.  Hey-oh!  Back to the meeting, sorry.  Olivia claims she can get a behind the scenes interview with Marc Jacobs because she blows him is friends with him.  Once she says this I’m sure they yelled “cut’ and Joe Zee had to go change his underwear because he had a “happy accident.”  Erin Jo fills in the crew about her new “relationship” with Louise from Elle UK and how she may help them out from time to time.  She then says she does great work and that they need someone who is consistent.  This is when the camera goes to Olivia and she has a confused look on her face.  Now I don’t think for one second that Olivia realizes that she’s being back-doored (giggity), but I do think that when Olivia heard the word “consistent” she immediately thought, “I’m not consistent I just took a nasty dump this morning!?”  You know you were thinking it too and, well, if you weren’t you are now.  You’re welcome America, you’re welcome.
  • Over at Pubic Rev, Roxy Horror is all 6’s and 7’s because she’s trying to figure out how to do a seating chart.  Yes, assigning names to chairs is a challenge.  Sammie and the gap between her teeth show up to take Whitney to some fashion show in which they’ll be sitting front row thanks to the wonderful folks over at Burgerdork John Goodman.  Que Suerte!  All Things Cutrone lets Whito know that Maybelline wants to meet her and maybe, just maybe (aka it’s definitely happening), they’ll want to work with Whitney some how.
  • At the fashion show we learn that Louise used to date Freddie Fucklemackle.  If you recall, Whitney scriptedly dated Freddie Fucklemackle last season for an episode or two.  Whitney says that she “kinda sorta” dated him, which means that she let him put the tip in.  She’s a lady like that.  As a sidenote, I can’t take Louise’s accent.  It’s too much.  Thank God I don’t have an accent.  I also can’t not look at Louise and not see Kelly Bensimon from Real Housewives of NYC.  Between that and McKaela on The Hills looking like Lauren Conrad it’s like the reality show Gods are really trying to F with my mind  or lack there of.
  • Meanwhile over at Marc Jacobs fashion show Olivia is trying to get the backstage interview for Elle Magazine, but I’m pretty sure she’s more focused on doing air kisses and looking down at the ground.  A lot.  It’s really a full time job for her.  Hell, it’s a promotion for her.  Anyskinandbones, Olivia sneaks away leaving the camera man to just stand there, awkwardly, while she heads back stage.  Will she meet Marc Jacobs?  Will she get the interview?  Will she eat?  Ever?  All this and more won’t be answered, so let’s move on.
  • Fashion shows scare me.  There’s too much going on and too many flashing lights.  Kiko Palooza 3000 is filling in Roxy Horror on what do do during this fashion show.  It’s something about beat beat lights, beat beat cue the girls, beat beat music, etc.  I’m sure it runs smoother and you can follow the “beat beat” instructions better when you’re on Ecstasy. As that takes place, Joe Zee is in a huff about how bad the weather is outside.  I only heard half of what he said as the second I saw Seth in the front row I started seeing red and lost all hearing.  Why is he in the front row?  Why?  Is it because he’s banging Rita Wilson?  Such a waste of a seat.  He’ll probably just sit there and “watch” and “take notes.” If it was me there I’d be yelling at the models as they walked by saying things like, “Are the Friends really friends?” and “can you walk faster because the camera is on me right now and, well, I’m living my “City” dream.”   See?  He’ll do none of that.  Bah.
  • Louise bumps into Joe Zee and Erin Jo at the fashion show and Joe Zee invites her to another fashion show after he learns that she does “on camera” interviewing.  Well, of all the people who I expected to cheat on Olivia I NEVER thought it was Joe Zee Messina.  Shame, shame on you!  When he gets home to Olivia’s house he’s going to have a lot of explaining to do and he’s going to have to explain his black-eye in the Monday morning Elle meeting.
  • Olivia falls out of the woodwork wearing Ms. Hannigan’s fur wrap and tells Kevin, the camera guy, that she couldn’t get the Marc Jacobs interview and “goodnight.”  Poor Kevin.  You know he was pissed he had to stand there holding a camera while another camera was on him the whole time.  Olivia crookedly walks away looking like she has no idea where she’s going, where she is, or who she is.  Basically, it’s a normal night for Olivia.
  • The “next day” at some other fashion show, (I think it was the Bradlee’s Mischa Barton show) Joe Zee, Erin Jo, and Louise are all front row and Seth is 2nd row (zing!) seated right behind the reserved seat for Olivia Palermo.  Olivia is not in attendance because she over slept.  Over sleeping and under eating is deadly combination.  Joe Zee also learns that Olivia didn’t get the Marc Jacobs interview.  I saw steam.  So, because Olivia isn’t there and Louise and her accent are, they ask her to do the interview of the fashion designer.  She accepts and just when she starts the interview Olivia comes in, looking like she just crawled out of the dumpster after being gang banged by the homeless and a few rats, and has to witness someone taking over her “job.”  I’m concerned.  If Olivia gets replaced how is she going to afford her rent and surviving in this tough economy? More importantly, who is Joe Zee going to be best friends with?  How about me?  Surely, I can sit in Olivia’s desk and look down towards the ground.  Pick me!
  • Back at Pubic Rev, Kiki tells Roxy Horror that she did a great job and she tells Whitney that Maybelline scored her a show during Miami Fashion Week.  Miami?  Wow!  I hope Whitney’s line consists of skank-tops and daisy dukes!  To top things off, she’s allowing Roxy to go with Whitney to Miami and run the show.  Even better, Kelly says she won’t be going and that Whitney and Roxy can totally do this themselves.  The best part is that Kiko tells Roxy that she believes in her and is going to “up the ante and double down on another death bet.”  If by calling it a “death bet” doesn’t scream “I have faith in you” I don’t know what does.  She starts rattling off a list of things that Roxy will be responsible for and then stops, looks at her, and says, “do you need a pen?”  Oh no!  That’s a trick question, as we’ve learned that Kelly requires pens especially during a recession (see old episode from Season 2).
  • In the end, Erin Jo has a “status update” meeting with Rita Wilson at Elle and basically throws my little Olivia under the bus.  Sniff sniff.  Rita Wilson asks Erin Jo if Olivia is valuable to her and Erin Jo responds “no.”  Ugh.  No?  Really?  Come on.  She’s a little valuable.  She’s valuable for my jokes.  She’s valuable as a BFF 4Eva to Joe Zee Messina.  She’s valuable to a show you’re currently filming called “The City.”  But, alas, Erin Jo sticks with “no” and Rita Wilson says, “Ok.  Ok, I’ll make a phone call.”  Who is she going to call?  Is it like a mafia phone call?  Is Olivia going to be malnourishedly sleeping with the fishes?  Damn you all straight to hell for this!  If Olivia gets fired from Elle, I quit life.

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