Time for a little City recap! I got a lot of crap for not recapping last weeks crapisode of The City. I’m sorry, are you paying my bills? You don’t know me! You don’t know me! I pay my own bills! You don’t know me! Sorry, that was me practicing my rebuttal if the Ricki Lake Show ever comes back and I get to be a “teen” guest. Anyway, everything and nothing went down the other night on The City. Someone hit the cowbell…
- Any episode that starts off with Kelly Cutrone stroking what I can only assume is a dog, whilst conducting a meeting, whilst dressed as Mrs Roper from Three’s Company, is a GREAT episode for me. Seriously, it could end right now and I’d be ok with it.
- While Kelly does her best Mrs Roper meets Dr. Evil impression, she discusses some party that Elle is hosting? No clue. I was distracted because not only did I spot someone in the scene that wasn’t white (shock) I was also mesmerized by the chick sitting to the right of Kelly who was sporting the “Moe” haircut from Three Stooges. I’m only 10 seconds in and I already like this better than The Hills.
- Roxy Horror and Whitney are discussing the fact that Ozzy Bobby (Jay) is back from the scripted dead. Whitney chatted with the Ghost of Ozzy Bobby on the phone, but isn’t sure how she feels. She tells Roxy Horror that she “did it and then she quit it.” Whitney was so proud of herself that she made a rhyme. Now had this been Heidi Montag saying that, she would have immediately marketed herself as a rapper. Anyway, Roxy Horror squeals with delight and says, “You just said ‘I hit it then I quit it.” Uh, nope. She didn’t. Check the script.
- Olivia, my future ex-wife, shows up to work in a short black skirt that literally zips up right to her good old New York style chooch. Erin Jo Buttafucco (who is sadly growing on me…not literally) explains to Olivia about the big Long-John (??) event. Olivia lets Erin Jo know that her former colleague may be there. Really? Former colleague? Oh, you may know her as Whitney Port…you know…the girl who you star in this television show with? You took a bunch of promotional shots with her and you showed up at the MTV Music Awards with her too. Sound familiar? You know her, you think?
- Whitney and Samantha and the gap between her two front teeth, head out to yoga because, for some reason, the producers felt that the two second conversation they had about the Ghost of Ozzy Bobby needed to happen in a yoga studio.
- Oh crap. Whitney is about to walking blindly into a dinner date with Freddie Fackelmayer and his dad, Fridolin Fackelmayer, whom I will now lovingly refer to as “Freddie and Frito-Lay Fucklemackle.”
- Seriously, what in the hell is Freddie Fucklemackle doing? Why would he introduce Whitney to his father, Frito-Lay, after just one scripted date!?!
- Whitney looks like she’s about to puke during the dinner and not just because Frito-Lay Fucklemackle looks like he’s about to drop his pants, pop 2 viagra, rip Whitney out of her chair, and “do sex” to her right then and there. If this dude hasn’t been on “To Catch a Predator” I’m sure he soon will be.
- Bonus points for Whitney only ordering water. Hopefully she shot up in the bathoom before she came.
- Haha Whit asks Frito-Lay Fucklemackle is he works in “the city” and the says, “I do too.” Oh that Whitney. Such a pistol!
- At the end of the threesome, Whitney pours out all her hopes and dreams to Frito-Lay and tells him that she’s starting her own clothing line and is looking for investors. Frito-Lay basically laughs in her face and says it’s a bad time to raise money. I’m sure if Whito promises to make sweet fucklemackle to Frito-Lay, he’ll find a way to give her some money.
- For the first time ever, Roxy Horror, Whitney, Olivia, and Erin Jo are all in the same scene together. What a treat for the viewers. They’re all discussing the event and where the bar will go when all of a sudden we experience the WORST voiceover in reality show history. First off, the volume goes down about 17 notches and then you hear Erin Jo reading from a piece of paper, “Roxy, you should supervise the photographer. Olivia can help you since she’ll know most of the guests.” Wow. It was like she was doing the “homeroom news” at her highschool. Fail.
- For some inexplicable reason they’re playing “Single Ladies” by Beyonce as they show scenes of the people of New York City. Oh no. Huh? Is this actually happening? Am I in a meth-filled rage or am I actually seeing Whitney and Roxy Horror actually doing the dance to Single Ladies in Whitney’s bedroom? Wow. Yeah, I’m seeing it. Even after I poured bleach in my eyes and threw myself down a flight of stairs, came to, walked back up the stairs, rewound my Tivo…I saw it again. Roxy Horror is no joke with the dance moves. I’m embarrassed for them, for me, for the citizens of the United States of New Mexico, for people with eyes, and for people with ears. Ugh, the ONE TIME I’m actually jealous of Helen Keller.
- Anyway, during the conversation between Whito and Roxy Horror we learn that the Ghost of Ozzy Bobby’s mom sells sex toys for a living. Now there isn’t anything wrong from with that, but I can’t help but to think of you put down a plate of sex toys in front of Whitney and the phone rang, she’d try to answer one. Just me?
- The event for Long-Johns (??) is a complete sh*t-show. Olivia looks like she’s about to die of malnutrition whilst introducing people to each other. Freddie Fucklemackle looks like he’s ready to gang-bang Roxy Horror, and then Kelly Cutrone shows up and I am suddenly at peace.
- Kelly is playing “story time” with Erin Jo by yelling her tales of how she started as a magazine publicist for Spin Magazine and then quit when she was 22 to start her own business. You gotta love Kelly. No really, you do. I’m making it a law…like saying the Pledge of Allegiance in the morning at school. People should have to open their windows in the morning when they wake up and yell out, “Thank you Kelly Cutrone, I love you.”
- Someone put Erin Jo on suicide watch. The “next day” Olivia struts her socialite ass into work and defends herself to Erin Jo in regards to the “Roxy Horror/photographer” situation. I could go in to detail of that situatuin, but it’s hard to type when I’m sleeping. Anyway, as Erin Jo airs her concerns, Olivia laughs in her face and tells her it’s not her problem. Some people think Olivia is a big bag of bitches, but when you think about it, imagine having all this money and not really needing to work. Would you deal with any crap? I wouldn’t. But then again, that’s just me and, clearly, I have a high work ethic.
- In the end, we get to listen to about 6 verses of that Jessie James song while the cameraman makes Whitney walk for 5 minutes. Great way to fill time. After verse 17 and the song ends, Whitney sits down at the table of the Ghost of Ozzy Bobby. I thought she’d only be able to contact him via a Ouija Board, but apparent he is really there.
- Whitney and the Ghost of Ozzy Bobby catch up and discuss the fact that she brought Freddie Fucklemackle to Ozzy B’s house while he was out of town. Ozzy B is still singing the same tune of his hatred for people who have “jobs” and “income.” Whitney tells Ozzy B that it’s her life, they edit the piss out of the scene, and Ozzy B walks out of the restaurant. I’m sure at that point, someone yelled “cut” and then they put new clothes on Whitney, brushed her hair a different way, switched the restaurant sign, tossed some random dude in the chair across from Whitney, and then filmed Whitney’s next “date scene.”
Ahhh The City. What actually does go on?
