The City Recap: Fergie’s Cover of Elle AND Olivia Apparently Cloned Herself. Que Suerte!

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Another crapisode of The City hot off the press, whatever in the holy hell that means.  This week, like an episode of Laverne and Shirley, Fergie is guest starring and Whitney is still shooing the ever loving piss out of her look book.  Can’t people just go online for that?  Here’s what went down on the most recent episode of La Ciudad!

  • I love when we kick things off at (h)Elle Magazine with Joe Zee Messina, Erin Jo, and Olivia all in the same room together trying to make decisions.  If this was olden days (or even “days of yore,” or “yesteryear”) I have a feeling that Olivia would be on the first catapult over the stone wall and Erin Jo would be the one cutting the rope with an axe.  Just me?  Moving on.
  • Everyone, especially that one lady with the “boys regular” haircut is losing their mind over the fact that Fergie is going to be on the cover.  Joe Zee wants people to, literally, do projectile Shasta McNasty in their pants when they walk by a news stand and scream, “Oh my God is that Fergie!?”  I’m pretty sure we could reach that goal if they just refused to do any airbrushing and/or photoshop on her.  Anyway, Olivia is, for some reason, dressed like Martha Washington in this scene and may or may not be awake.
  • Olivia makes this rocket science suggestion that Fergie should wear a ring that Olivia just happens to have on right then and there.  Let’s just thank Santa Christ that Olivia wasn’t holding a plate of ham sandwiches or I’m sure Fergie would have been dressed in ham.  Oh and I’m kidding about the ham sandwiches thing.  Olivia doesn’t eat.
  • Erin Jo is wishing Joe Zee all the best and will see him in sunny LA, but Joe Zee keeps Olivia behind to talk to her and Joe gives Erin “the eye” that almost subtly says, “Ugh, I don’t want Olivia to not like me, even though I’m her boss, yet I’m afraid she’ll shoot the place up one day and I haven’t solidified my escape route yet.  What do I do?”  At least that’s what I think he’s trying to say.  Although his actual words tell Olivia that she needs to be consistent and that she’s not going to LA.  He says she knows why, but I don’t know why.  Maybe LA has an official ban on all things toothpicks?  It’s a real toss up.
  • Meanwhile back over on the other show that’s being filmed at Pubic Rev, Whitney is literally stealing ideas from Vogue magazine for her very own look book.  See you in court, Whito.
  • Kelly Cutrone, who has the kind of spring in her step that suggests midgets may be tickling her “down there,” is talking to Whitney about her going out with that random, yet “brave” war photographer.  Kelly likes the idea that he’s French and she also lets Whitney know that she can take this opportunity to learn the language and “get banged.”  Her words, not mine.  I’m classy so I probably would have said something like, “do boom boom” or “Spring clean the front lawn.”  I’m neat like that.  Whitney and Roxy Horror are in stitches over this comment and they slap each other five and that’s when I see it.  Her.  An Asian girl in the background.  Laughing.  What?  I thought The City and The Hills had a strict “whites only” policy?  I’m glad to see they’re slowing letting others into the mix.  Although, Joe Zee is of a different race…but I kind of feel like he’s on a different show.
  • I’m officially pissed off.  Who the F is this Seth character and why are they showing his name like he’s a central character?  He’s Rita Wilson’s assistant, but still.  That should be my job.  I mean, sure I don’t know anything about fashion but sometimes I do wear shorts in the summer and, well, that should qualify me for something, right?  I want to be Olivia’s assistant where I would just constantly say to her throughout the day, “Are you a F’n joke?,”  “Are you F’n serious right now?” and then I would probably constantly hold a mirror up to her several times during the day and say, “Look at yourself right now.  You should be ashamed.”  I’d then put the mirror under her nose just to make sure she was breathing.  It’s hard to tell when she’s sitting at her empty desk that I’m pretty sure still has a “Welcome New Hire!” packet placed on her chair.  Phew that was a lot.
  • Seth asks Olivia if she’s heading to LA and Olivia laughs like Lucille Ball just dug herself out of her grave and started doing standup in the accessories room.  Olivia lets us all know that she’s staying in the NYC office because she has many important things to do.  If this was taped in front of a live studio audience the crowd right now would be reacting to the applause sign.  What important thing does she have to do that doesn’t consist of her “hallway runway walks” and her “looking down at all times when someone is talking to her?”  I mean, besides those two things how could she even find the time to do anything else?
  • Joe Zee Messina and Erin Jo land in LA and are having a little breakfast at the hotel (minus the food) and are talking about all things Olivia.  Joe Zee still thinks that Olivia can “pull some good pieces” and Erin Jo thinks it’s not enough to keep a job.  Let me help them clear this up.  I “pulled some good pieces” during the majority of my teenage years, sure it was my own piece, but still, practice makes perfect.  And you wanna know what I didn’t get out of it?  A job.  So I have to agree with Erin Jo.  Although, if Joe Zee ever fired my little Olivia I would be pissed.  You hear me?
  • So, uh, Whitney is either dressed up for her date with that random photographer, Jonathan, or she’s auditioning for the role of a Solid Gold dancer.  I’m not kidding. She has what I can only assume is Christmas tinsel in her hair.  The good news, however, is that Whitney takes her first ride on a motorcycle and, to my surprise, didn’t throw herself off of it in absolute fear and panic.
  • Their date kind of sucks, but mostly because this douchey-come-lately is talking about “war.”  Oh it gets better.  He’s also talking about drinking bacteria water in some random village and getting sick.  Mmm romantic.  If I were Whito, I would have said, “Well I guess then you won’t mind this” and then I would have lifted one leg and farted  on the chair.  I would have, of course, excused myself and said it was due to “bacteria water” because I, my friends, am a true gentleman.
  • Sidenote, Jonathan should date Olivia.  Imagine that conversation?  I’m sure paramedics would have to be on stand-by hitting them with those electric paddles to bring them back to life every 60 seconds.  Clear!
  • Well it’s time for Erin Jo and Joe Zee Messina to dress up Fergie for her photo shoot.  Fergie loves the skank outfit and dragon diamond that Olivia picked out for her and Erin Jo looks none too pleased.  If I were her I would have said, “Yeah Fergie, that diamond ring looks great.  It’ll really make your cameltoe pop.”  And then I would have lifted my shirt and pretended I was honking the horn like a truck-driver of an 18 wheeler does.  That’s just me though, perhaps the rest of you would have reacted differently.
  • At the end, Erin Jo likes the cover where Fergie looks less rotted and Joe Zee likes the cover where Fergie looks airbrushed within an inch of her life.  Which cover will they choose?  We will never know.  Oh wait, no we will.  We will know.  Well, those of us with eyes will know and those of us who are blind will just have to ask someone which cover was chosen and then pray to God that person is telling the truth.  It was, it was…..soap poisoning!
  • Meanwhile, like a girl who just snuck out of homeroom to go make out with her football boyfriend under the bleachers, Seth calls up Erin Jo to sassily tell her that Olivia is nowhere to be found and that he thinks she went to lunch with Alexis the new fashion director.  Oh no!  But who will run all of Olivia’s reports and update all her spreadsheets, charts, graphs, and projections while she’s gone?!  The business is sure to fail.  Oh well, I guess if someone needs a necklace they’re just going to have to literally pick it up from the pile of necklaces themselves.  What a world.  The unemployment rate is still at like 9.9%.  Just sayin’.
  • Oh God.  Either Olivia is having lunch with her cloned self or that really is Alexis Bryan Morgan, the new Fashion Director.  Regardless I’m sure this lunch will consist of picking at lettuce with a fork while never letting it enter your mouth and sleepy smiles.  What do ya know?  I’m right!
  • Honestly this lunch is soooo bad it’s actually good.  Not only do these two schmucks kind of look like each other, but they’re dressed like each other, are sitting the same way as each other and have the same lifeless monotone voice as each other.  If  Joe Zee wants to fire Olivia can he just hire Alexis instead?  Fair swap, I think.  And they sound like those two SNL characters that do “Delicious Dish.”  You know, the radio hosts (Molly Shannon and Ana Gasteyer) that just keep saying, “good times, yeah, good times.”  Brilliant.
  • Alexis asks Olivia how it is working with Erin, to which Olivia replies, “It’s good. She does what she does and I do what I do.”  That’s code for, “She works and I don’t.”  We’re all clear on that right?  I was waiting for her to end it with a good old fashion Popeye, “I yam what I yam.”
  • On the ride home from the Fergie shoot, Erin Jo and Joe Zee are, once again, talking about Olivia.  Joe Zee still thinks Olivia is a gift sent from Jesus Claus and Erin…well…Erin….not so much.  I’m pretty sure if this show was on HBO or Showtime, Erin would be telling Joe Zee to go F his mother and then she’d hit him in the head with a shovel and toss him into the trunk of the black Lincoln that they’re driving.  However, since this is just MTV, Erin Jo says that “Olivia did a great job” but she looks like her teeth are about to shatter into a million little pieces as she says it.  The one thing, I have to say, missing from this entire episode is Erin’s facial expressions.  I mean, if they’re going to edit them out I’m not watching.  However, nevertheless, therefore, and so on, since I want to elevate my loser status I made sure to make the facial expressions whilst Joe was saying all of this.  I think I’m getting pretty good at it too.
  • Is Whitney still on this show?  Oh there she is.  She’s having Frenchy shoot her look book crap, I think, and decides to tell him she doesn’t have time to date right now.  He looks saddened by this.  Perhaps a little war photography will cheer him up!
  • In the end, it’s the big unveiling of the new cover of Elle magazine.  Which Fergie will stain the cover?  Trashy Fergie or Classy Fergie?  Seth seems to be on team Olivia and wishes her good luck.  I would have assumed he was just trying get on her good side to, you know, bang her and junk, but I have a feeling that’s not his angle.  Also, is Olivia wearing army fatigues?  I hope she’s getting shipped off to war!  Maybe Jonathan can shoot her?  You know, either with his camera just good old fashion bullets.
  • Drum roll please………and the Elle cover is…….Erin Jo’s cover of Fergie looking classy(ish).  Congrats!  I would say Olivia looks displeased but, let’s face it, I’m sure she has no idea what’s going on, what this meeting is about, what the cover means, and even where she is for that matter.  Erin is smiling from ear to ear and Seth give her a “good job” mouthing.  Looks like Seth may have won himself a free motorboating with Erin but, again, doubtful.  And for some reason as Olivia leaves the boardroom and Erin is smiling they start playing “Sweet Dreams are Made of These” by the Eurythmics.  I’m not entirely sure why, but it was a good choice.  Also, I suck.

Things I liked in this crapisode:  Olivia and her clone having a snoozefest lunch, Erin Jo getting the cover, Whitney on a motorcycle, and Kelly Cutrone telling Whitney it’s good to get banged.

Things I didn’t like in this crapisode:  Not enough facial expressions from Erin Jo, Joe Zee Messina talking a regular pace,  Seth taking my job as reality show assistant.

I’d also like to take a second to say hello to all the folks (the 2 of you) at Elle who I hear may or may not be reading the craptastic recraps.  Spread the word…and, possibly, other things too.  You’ll know what I mean.

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