The City Recap: Criss-Cross Applesauce



  • It’s always a wondrous sign from our Heavenly Father when Kelly Cutrone is in the opening scene for the crapisode.  This is typically when I smile from sideburn to crooked sideburn, grab a beer (or 10), and fasten the seat belt I’ve installed on my couch.  While I feel, a little, that Kelly lied to me since she is wearing brown and I thought she only wore black, I am comforted by the fact that she is helping the ever-loving piss out of Whitney’s fashion line.  I’m pretty sure Kelly is running the show and is allowing Whitney to sew her label in the clothes, but I digress.  It’s fun to see Whitney’s facial expressions whilst Kelly runs through her “to-do” list.  It looks like Whitney is trying to do Chinese long division, which I don’t even know exists, but if it does….that’s the look. 
  • Once again, Kelly has the best advice and phrases.  When Whito-palooza says she wants Roxy Horror in charge of casting, Kelker Seltzer thinks it’s a bad idea and leave us with, “You have to put your best foot forward because if you don’t, the other one doesn’t get to follow.”  Seriously, brilliant.  I’m officially going on record by saying that Kelly needs her own t-shirt line with these sayings on them AND her own line of greeting cards from Hallmark.  If any of these things happen and I’m not thanked, I’m suing.
  • It’s time for Whitney’s casting for her “look-book.”  When Kelly sees that Roxy Horror shows up she give Whito the side-eye, which I totally caught the second time I watched this.  The “models” that showed up for this are nightmare.  One girl, who surprisingly isn’t white, doesn’t have her portfolio yet because it’s “like in the mail.”  Kelly gives her a “ciao” and sends her on her way.  Up next is a girl who looks like she’s what I like to call “Weekend At Bernie’s” dead.  She can barely hold her head up and looks like she hasn’t eaten since her days of sucking down Gerber’s green beans (stage 2).  Kelly, lovingly, laughs in her face and then decides to stop wasting time and just goes up and down the line of girls who are left letting them know who can and can’t stay.  I’m sure if there was a follow up we would learn that 4 of the girls pissed themselves and 3 threw themselves in front of the E train.
  • Yet another episode where we’re only 5 minutes in and I find this more interesting and entertaining than the entire current season of The Hills. 
  • Kelly is pissed at Roxy Horror and pulls her aside to let her know that models suck and that the theme is “Fairy Tale Tea Party” and not “Gothic Nightmare.”  She continues on by telling her that if she wants to be the “super flying ranger in the song of redemption” then she needs to call in some more models STAT.  No joke, I want to meet Kelly and just have her yell at me and sh*t.  Ugh, what does that say about me!?
  • Meanwhile on the other show, “Olivia and Erin Jo Take Fist Fight Manhattan” Erin Jo fills in Joe Zee Messina that they just locked down the Today Show for their A-Z looks.  I have no idea what any of that means, but Joe Zee is psyched and Erin Jo’s cheeks are flapping in the wind.  I’m assuming this is all good news.  Joe Zee Messina thinks this will be a ton of work and insists that Olivia helps out, to which Erin Jo laughs in his face and tosses in a few sarcastic comments.  I’m surprised she’s smiling, but I’m assuming she’s discovered the trick to not blowing up by jamming a wine cork up her old chooch-a-nella whilst doing kegels at the same time.  If she gets upset the cork shoots out like a bottle of champagne exploding and will put a hole in her foot like she’s just been shot at.  I say “discovered” but I really mean that I may have anonymously emailed her that tip that I made up.  Anyway, I think that’s what is keeping her happy.  Seriously, what the hell am I talking about?
  • Uh-oh.  You guys, this isn’t going to be good.  Erin Jo is filling in Olivia on the Today Show segment and, well, Olivia is going to start “taking notes.”  Yowza.  I’m impressed that Olivia didn’t pick up the ruler on her desk and try to start writing with that.  Poor Olivia.  Erin Jo gives her the info and she’s writing soooo slooooow.  I bet my life that if she were to turn the paper around it would read, “DIE BITCH” on it and have nothing to do with the information needed.  Actually scratch that.  I bet she’s just filling out a Mad Libbs.  If she read it back it would say something like, “For the Today POOP Show be sure that the FARTS are all in proper fitting BOOBIES and look like they’re having the time of their DINKY.
  • Anypassiveaggressive, Erin Jo is pissed that Olivia doesn’t look concerned or stressed at all.  I think that’s called, “Having Money.”
  • Back over at the photoshoot, Roxy Horror is coming up with the worst ideas.  She wants to models to eat cupcakes, scream, and then have a food fight.  Whitney looks like she doesn’t know what any of these words mean and Kelly looks like she’s about to take a Shasta McNasty in her pants and then throw it at Roxy.  I’m all for that. 
  • I guess I don’t understand the fashion world at all because they’re all psyched over how cute one of the girls is posing, but it looks to me like she’s either about to spit out her coffee or “something” else…if ya know what I mean. 
  • Kelly decides to pull Roxy Horror to the side to fill her in on how the rest of the shoot will go.  This is when I chug the rest of my beer because I truly feel this will totally be elevated with a good buzz.  It is.  Kelly tells Roxy to stop giving her stupid ideas and let Whitney just keep moving forward.  She ends it by saying my favorite line of the episode/my life which is, “…no cake fights, no nothing.  Let’s just make it criss-cross applesauce and make it nice and clean.”  Can you nominate people for Emmy Awards because if so I will make it my lifes mission to get Kelly one.
  • Whitney tries to motivate the models by saying, “We’re laughing and smiling and woo-hoo we’re having fun.”  She says it like she’s giving the eulogy at a funeral.  Hopefully mine.
  • Since Roxy Horror has listening problems she instructs the models to pop open a bottle of champagne and “die laughing like it’s the funniest sh*t you’ve ever seen.”  Kelly obviously disapproves of this, but Roxy, obviously, makes them do it anyway.  The model pops the bottle and basically breaks some dishes, takes out an eye of one of the other models, and spills it all over her dress.  Is this fashion?  Am I learning?
  • At the end of the shoot Roxy Horror smooths things over by having a cake fight with Whitney.  I’m enjoying this part because I’ve noticed that when Whitney laughs hard with her head tilted back she looks like a cartoon turtle and, well, that’s alright with me.
  • Changing gears.  Uh, so is Stacie the Pointless Bartender from “The Hills” also the intern that works “for” Olivia?  I know it’s not, but the beer is telling me otherwise.  I also may have tossed on the beer goggles, but she looks pretty hot. Interns have to be at least 18 right?  Anyway, Olivia and “Stacie the Intern” are “pulling looks” (which is a term I’ve learned. Sometimes I “pull looks” off my apartment floor, sniff these “looks,” turn these “looks” inside out, and then wear these “looks” for the day) for the Today Show segment.  Stacie the Intern is all freaking out because Erin Jo scares her and Olivia has no clue what the hell she’s doing or where the F she is.  My guess is that Olivia thinks she inside a Christmas snow-globe.
  • In a section of the show I like to call “Oh No She Just Did Not!”:  Olivia brings her “looks” back for Erin Jo to critique.  First off the clothes are about 10 sizes to small for the models, but Olivia seems to think this is fine.  Erin Jo, on the other hand, seems to think that this must signal a terrorist attack because she is piiiiiiised.  Olivia keeps saying that she disagrees with Erin Jo and Erin Jo flat out says she doesn’t care what Olivia thinks.  I like this.  I like awkward confrontation.  You know who I think doesn’t like it?  Stacie the Intern.  She looks like she got that feeling in your stomach when it feels like it drops down and you hear this insanely loud noise like a wolf growling so you run as fast as you can to the bathroom with your butt clinched together and then you’re  fumbling with your belt and doing a little dance and trying to pull your pants down and praying that you don’t sh*t inside your underwear and when you do finally sit on the toilet and let loose you are basically pissing out of your anus.  So, yeah, she kinda has “that look” on her face.  Too far?
  • Olivia asks Erin Jo is she would talk to Joe Zee Messina the same way she is talking to her.  I’m pretty sure Erin Jo’s cork popped from her vaginastein because she starts squeaking about Olivia not being a creative director, etc.  She then sends Stacie the Intern out of the room, which is good for her because I’m almost certain she’s going to change her tights before the skid marks start to harden.
  • In the end Erin Jo decides to vent to Stacie the Intern about the fight that just took place between her and Olivia.  Poor Stacie the Intern.  She’s trying so hard.  My blackened heart turned a slight shade of red for her.  Look, I love Erin Jo as much as the next, but she seems to always complain to the wrong people about her issues with Olivia.  First Cobra Starship and now Stacie the Intern?  Not cool.  Oh God I just legit analyzed a scene from this show without any jokes.  I must go now.  I must go.  I’m gone.

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