The City Recap: Christmas, New Years, Jesus.



*Thanks to everyone who took part in the live blogging/chat last night on IBBB during The City.  It was good times!  We should do it again sometime.

Gas up the snow machine and leave out some cookies for Cutrone Claus because it’s the “A Very City Christmas” episode of The City and since there’s not a hell of a lot going on in this episode they also managed to cram New Years into this one too. Cow bell, cow bell, cow bell.

  • I’m not quite sure what “scenes” from New York they’re showing during Christmas time because I’m seeing a lot of lights, some ice-skating, and some light snow, but you know what seems to be missing?  The 3 gazillion people who are scattered all over the streets of NYC during the holiday asking people where the f’n Empire State Building is and Rockefeller Center is located.  Did “The City” folks ask everyone to “step aside” whilst they shot these scenes?  Trust me, it’s a nightmare.  Ho ho ho.
  • MerrK Christmas, you guys!  It’s the Diane Von Fartenburp Christmas party that’s being held right inside the office! And it gets better.  It’s buffet-style!  Whitney and her “co-workers” are cheers’ing it up and Whitney is telling hilarious stories about not knowing who the editor of Vanity Fair was at a fashion show.  All the other girls squeal with delight.  Yes, folks, this is actually their lives. 
  • Olivia is telling some random that if she wants to get into PR she can sit down with her and practice by asking her questions, etc.  This sounds like a terrible idea.  Perhaps if this chick was interviewing for a reality show then Olivia could be like, “Let me show you how to do eye rolls and not look at the camera.”  But I’m not sure if you’d want to practice your “job interviewing skills” with her.  Just a guess.
  • I heart Diane Von Fartenburp.  I’m pretty sure she’s drunk when she’s toasting her employees.  I also love how she says “Christmas” party.  None of this “holiday” crap.  Fartenburp is edgy.
  • Well kids it’s FINALLY happened.  After about 99 episodes of this crap I finally….FINALLY realize who Allie looks like.  Ready?  Ready for it?  She is totally a grown up version of Vicki “the robot” from Small Wonder.  And, as a sidenote, I’m pretty sure she’s a robot. Allie’s new name is being changed from “Death” to “Vicki the Robot.”  I may sometimes even call her “Small Wonder.”  You’ve been warned.
  • Vicki the Robot and Adam are having a “brains-off” competition and discussing their competitive game of Scrabble from the night before.  I can image that game consisting of words that include: dog, cat, woof, meow, milk, mama, dada, and binky.
  • I think Vicki the Robot and Adam are also having a douche-off.  Adam is wearing a douchey gold pinky ring and Vicki the Robot is wearing some red eye makeup that leads me to believe she’s in the middle of filming a slasher movie.
  • We have a very special guest star on The City this week!  Ladies and gentlemen I an honored to announce: Jesus of Nazareth!  I knew the second time Christ came to earth it would be for The City.  I knew it!  Yes, The Bangs Monster is actually wearing what I believe is Jesus’ crown of thorns.  Try to dodge that lightening bolt, Erin!  Seriously, what the hell is around her head?
  • Almost as fitting, Whitney is wearing what looks like a sleep mask around her head.  You know, the kind that says “Last Night’s Coctail Queen” across the front.
  • Duncan, The Bangs Monster’s boyfriend, looks like Joseph, Jesus’ father.  Am I watching a Catholic grammar school Christmas play?  Where the hell are the 3 Wise-men and the manger?  Olivia would, clearly, be Mary Magdalene.  Whitney would be the Virgin Mary.  Nevan would be Judas.  Ozzy Bobby would be one of the apostles.  Allie would be one of the aliens (they were in the Bible, right?).  Adam would be one of the lepers.  All done.
  • Meanwhile, back in Tribeca, the next morning Nevan wakes up all hungover on Olivia’s couch.  She thinks he trashed the place, but all I really see is a bowl of chips and one can of Bud Light.  Really?  Bud Light?  These people pretend they’re rich, but kick back Bud Lights?  What happened to the “Champy?”  Also, Nevan has a band-aid on his arm that pretty much makes me think he’s shooting up heroin in Olivia’s walk-in closet.  I bet Mr. Butler helps tie a belt around his arm so he can find his vain.  I learned all that from Intervention.
  • Uh-oh, Adam and Ozzy Bobby are about to throw down.  Adam, who’s wearing Cliff Huxtable’s sweater, is telling Ozzy Bobby that he wants Vicki the Robot to move in full time and Ozzy B needs to move him and his kangeroo out.  Ozzy Bobby storms out of the empty restaurant.  It’s like Ernie and Bert are breaking up.
  • Look, I couldn’t care less about The Bangs Monster and Duncan situation.  I’m more engrossed in that f’n black and white picture of The Bangs Monster and her dad that’s in the background of every scene.  Can they start mass-producing that an selling it at IKEA?
  • Duncan wants TBM to “figure her sh*t out” and get back to him when she’s ready.  TMB takes a cue from the “Lauren Conrad School of How to Cry with One Tear” and lays on the couch and does, in fact, release one tear from her eye and down her cheek.  This is a deep moment.  TBM has real life problems.  What recession?
  • As a sidenote, watching TBM cry with one tear reminded me of that episode of Full House when Uncle Jesse was moving out and Michelle gave him her favorite stuffed pig and Uncle Jesse left Michelle’s room and one tear fell down his face.  Brilliant.
  • Alright alright!  It’s New Years!  Vick the Robot is trashed!  Thank God, it’s the only time she seems actually life-like.  Adam and Ozzy Bobby are wearing top-hats because they’re those d-bags who still think it’s funny to wear top-hats and canes to parties and/or high-school proms.  It wasn’t funny that and it’s not really funny now.  It smells like salty-douche to me!
  • Ozzy Bobby tells Whitney that Adam wants him to move out and he may need to stay with her for a few days.  Whitney looks like she may vomit.  It may be because he asked her that or it may be because I suspect Whitney to be drunk off of Zima.  That can do it to you as well.
  • It’s midnight and everyone kisses…..except The Bangs Monster.  Sad.  She should take down her bangs and try to kiss them.
  • In the end, The Bangs Monster goes outside to check her voicemail and no one called her.  She does this on speaker phone so that we can hear her recording say “You have no new messages.”  Uh-oh.  Dirt nap alert!

What a lame Christmas and New Years.  The only good thing that came out of this was that I finally realized that Allie looks like Vicki the Robot.  See?  Everything happens for a reason.

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