The City Recap: Bangs, Hats, and the Kiss Heard Around the World

Today, my dear Americans, there is change in the air. No, I’m not talking about the inauguration of Obama as President. I am, of course, talking about a the addition of “Allie” into the cast of The City. Hopefully she’s only making a cameo because, after watching this crapisode, I may have to stop watching if she becomes a regular. Trust me, she ain’t no Heather Locklear arriving to save an ailing Melrose Place.
Here’s what slowly went down last night on The City:
  • We get to meet Adam’s girlfriend, Allie, whilst the troop is out at another restaurant/bar in NYC that is, yet again, candlelit. Stop trying to pull the wool over my loser eyes. Not every bar is lit up like that. The camera crew and producers totally have a dufflebag filled with Glade candles that they set up for each scene. I bet the whole place smells like nasty cinnamon apple pies. Anycrap, Allie is a model. I think. She looks like the low budget version of Mila Kunis. Oh, and she looks sleepy…like her eyes are about to shut at any moment. Kinda like mine are about to shut from watching this.
  • Olivia and her d-bag cousin, Nevan, are visiting an art gallery and talking about him being a tool-bag-low-life-booze-hound-rent-paid-by-his-parents-fast-talking-loser. At least I think they’re talking about that. I’m basically just watching Olivia and tuning out of the conversation. From what I can gather, Nevan’s family has stopped paying his rent because he’s not working and Olivia seems to think he’ll get his rent paid for again if he gets a job. I tell ya, if this dude suddenly sprouted Santa pubes on his face I’d be convinced he was Spencer.
  • It’s boy’s night out and Ozzy Bobby, Adam, and other randoms head out to a club in Chelsea to drink their faces off and talk to Whitney’s “friends” that happen to be there. I’m confused. There are too many people in this show. Whatever happened to the good old days on The Hills when it was just like 5 people on the show and they only talked to each other?
  • Whitney’s “friends” go over to talk to Ozzy Bobby and d-bag Adam. That one chick, Catarina, looks like she’s in heat and yells out to Adam, “Let’s have fun!” That’s code word for…..actually that’s not code word. She’s ready to ride. P.S that “club” looks like an epileptic nightmare.
  • Holy hell! Are Whitney and Erin wearing a costume to breakfast the next morning? Maybe they think they’re in a play. Erin has on Audrina’s old blue beret hat from last season and white sunglasses that went out of style about 2 years ago. However, my favorite is the thing around Whitney’s head. It looks like a gray knitted garter belt that Carnie Wilson used to wear around her leg. Perhaps Whitney bought it at a Carnie Wilson yardsale? We learn that Catarina, the pig in heat, made out with d-bag Adam. Boring. Plus, who cares.
  • Like a game of horrific “telephone” that you used to play in the 2nd grade….Sam tells Whitney that Catarina made-out with Adam. Whitney tells Ozzy Bobby this information whilst sitting on a bench in the park. Ozzy Bobby tells Adam this as he sips on red wine (manly). I’m surprised by the time Ozzy Bobby told Adam he didn’t end up with, “Whitney told me that you f’d a cat in the club last night. Meow.”
  • What does Adam do for work? He picks up Sleepy-Time-Allie from JFK in a Range Rover. And, someone emailed me telling me that he owns a bar? And he also models? Wait. Am I jealous of Adam? Wait a second. I think I am. Maybe that’s why I call him a d-bag? Nah, he does seem douchey, but I totally want his car. Perhaps he’ll give me free drinks at the bar he owns? Doubtful.
  • Anyway, Adam tells Sleepy-Time-Allie about the “rumor” of him making out with some chick whilst she was out of town “modeling.” She wonders what type of girl would make up something like that. I wonder how Sleepy-Time-Allie is a paid model. Also, I don’t know what to think about the rumor. On one hand that chick, Catarina, did look like she was in heat. On the other hand….I actually don’t care.
  • Back to my love, my life, Olvia. Apparently Nevan will be crashing with her. Who cares. Olivia sets some ground rules for Nevan which includes, “No chicks ever wearing Olivia’s clothes” and “No chicks in the apartment.” Seriously, what girl is going over to Olivia’s apartment and putting on her clothes? Maybe they should install a webcam so we can see that?
  • Finally, this crap is almost over. Whitney, Sam, The Bangs Monster, and Sleepy-Time-Allie head out to a 14 second brunch to confront Sleepy-Time about “the party” the night before when Adam allegedly kissed Catarina-in-Heat. This is the worst. All of it. Who cares?
  • Sleepy-Time calls up Adam, who walks over to the restaurant with a golf-umbrella, to “talk” about the 8 in the morning party. Sleepy-Time starts to cry and I’m wondering if she can drowned from this. What is the tears back up into her sleepy eyes? Adam wants to give Sleepy-Time the world so she doesn’t cry. What does that even mean? Is the world for sale? Is it? How much? If the world is for sale, where are the receipts?
  • The end.

Yowza folks, this was a rough one. I think I learned, however, that this series is basically about bangs and strange hats. They could technically change the name of the show from The City to “Bangs and Hats.” Next week on Bangs and Hats….

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