Teen Mom Recap: Is Ryan Back to His Old Ways?

Farrah – Pack the extra hair extensions (that we can always see the tracks on) because Farrah is heading overseas for a spell and needs to drop Baby Goop with anyone who hasn’t had rabies before and may know their way around an Epi-pen.  But first, she wants to spend as much time with Sophia as possible.  This includes taking her to get a pedicure all whilst Farrah wears giant bug-eye sunglasses and drinks what looks like a mimosa.  Sophia looks like she’s having a great time.  I’m kidding.  She is, of course, plotting new and innovative ways to escape from the family she was born into even it means finding a way to get to Daddy Derrick as soon as possible.  Wink.

I did love, however, how when Sophia got to choose her nail polish color she chose some gold color that has marijuana leaves in it.  Oh please like suddenly Farrah thinks that’s a problem.  Farrah tried her hand at a little standup comedy by telling Sophia she had to choose another color and not one where “Snoop Dog” would be there…and….blargh.  The joke bombed and, per usual, didn’t really make sense.  You know, like every other time she just chooses words at random and tries to string a sentence together.

Did anyone else think it was weird that Farrah kept telling Sophia not to play hide-and-seek with Michael and his wife while she’s away?  I was like, ohhhh is that when the naughty no-no was potentially performed in Farrah’s youth?  I say that Sophia should pack a bag of weaves, hop on Starburst, and just head on out of town for good.  Perhaps try her hand at magician school or the like.

Watching Farrah pack her bags was the worst/best thing I’ve seen in a while.  She’s gone for 10 days and has around 56 outfits from where I can only assume is Wet Seal.  She doesn’t even fold anything, she just throws it in the giant suitcases, sits on it (giggity) to try to get it to close and then screams for Michael.  He’s like, “Ugh, this b**ch again.”  Later they all head out to a goodbye lunch where Farrah thanks Michael and his crunchy-curly-haired girlfriend for being so easy to live with (I mean) and how she can’t have that with her mom because…and then the ugly cry just starts to form.  Everyone freezes and watches it like it’s a solar eclipse.  You don’t look directly at it for fear of going blind, but you can’t help but try and test the waters for a little sneak peek.  It was glorious and clearly a gift from God.  Merry Christmas everyone!

Speaking of the Who’s in Whoville, Debra made quite the appearance in last nights episode.  She was wearing some form of hot-pink hat and, literally, had hair extensions down past her bum-bum and kept saying how people on social media keep telling her to cut her hair because a woman her age should have short hair.  Did I mention they walked into a hat store because, yes, that’s where they’re filming these days.  Oh, and she wants a hat that is on trend and makes her look young. Oh, and her friend is what I can only assume is a 30 year-old man who likes men and older mothers of teenage moms.  I’m pretty sure I forgot about 15 apostrophes in that sentence, but I couldn’t believe the scene that really unfolded right before our very eyes.

In the end, Farrah shoved off and Baby Goop was probably trying to remember if she was or wasn’t supposed to play hide and seek with Michael.  Ruuuuuuun!

Bonus:  This is What Parents REALLY Want to Do To The Elf on the Shelf!

 

Amber – I love when there are really crossover episodes on TM-OG or “TMOG” as no one pronounces it.  Amber is fresh off her ‘break’ with Matt and so her mom accompanies her to some place where she’s getting little tiny eyelashes individually glued onto her eyes by some woman (?) who I assume is the town busybody.  Oh, and she’s talking about how they’re going to be in LA for a few weeks filming this “Marriage Bootcamp thing” with Matt.  I was surprised MTV allowed them to film talking about another networks show but, per usual, I’m grateful for all the 4th wall breaking that MTV does for me.  Yes, I think it’s specifically and pacifically done for just me.  Also, why was Amber’s mom going to be on the show and is she on something else too?  She seems to skittish and terrified of speaking in front of Amber.  I wonder if Amber makes her watch that old episode of slapping Gary in the face and kicking his 24″ tube-television down the Section 8 Housing & Foreclosure stairs.  Hmm, I wonder!

Later, Amber heads over to spend time with Leah before she ships out for a bit and Leah has Amber and Kristina play this game where everyone writes letters to each other and then you only read your part.  I was 1,000,000% confused on the rules of the game, but was just happy Amber wasn’t trying to sniff that glue for the construction paper.  Did anyone else feel bad when Leah was like, “I miss when we used to do things together” and Amber was like, “Yeah we should start doing that again.  And listen to music and get ice cream.”  Ok sure. I’m sure she’s getting plenty of scoops at home.  I think she wants her mom to spend more time with her without creepy Matt lurking in the background ready to pounce.

When Amber leaves for filming, Gary and Kristina are filming what I’m assuming are 4th of July scenes because they take the whole family to watch fireworks.  I’m smart like that.  They discuss how Amber told them she’s done with Matt and met some other guy on Twitter who has his account verified.  Apparently that little blue checkmark is enough for Ambjikistan to think she’s found “the one.”  Didn’t she also meet Matt on Twitter?  I mean, at least try Bumble. Is that an app even?  I’m old.  I loved the little shade Kristina threw when she said Amber should focus on spending more time with Leah and herself and then maybe one day she’ll find someone.  Burn.

By the time Amber comes back she confirms that she and Matt are no longer together and she’s going to just spend time with her dogs.  She may have mentioned Leah, but I can’t be 100% sure.  Roll them tapes back!

Caitlyn – Here’s the thing.  Cate and Ty’s whole entire episode centered around them launching that random clothing website and how it didn’t really go live when it was supposed to.  I call BS on so much of it.  And by BS I mean “Brenda Strong” from Desperate Housewives, but she didn’t answer.  So I hung up and just called plain old BS on this storyline.

They were supposed to launch the site at noon (while the cameras were rolling) and suddenly they claim the site crashed because there was so much traffic on it.  People were waiting and on social media telling them “I’m ready to buy!”  I mean.  Someone point me to the emoji eye-roll button.  And then they were like, “We already crashed the server” and it was 12:01pm.  Yeah that’s not how that actually works, but good try.  Something tells me April was in charge of flipping the switch, but was passed out from one too many Twisted Teas back in the server room.

They were all so stressed about this dilemma and the site was down for 24-hours, but they finally got in touch with the person in charge of all this mess and realized that because they have so many millions of followers on social media they didn’t get the right server. Because you know how when you push something live, everyone clicks on your link all at the same time.  Yawn.  It was finally fixed and before you know it they had 50 orders!  And after 1 week they were pretty much sold out.  So they celebrate by taking some pontoon boat out for a spin and drink Bud Lights.  #Ballers

Maci – I know.  I never really recap Maci’s scenes, but this drug stuff aftermath is just too much not too quickly mention. As we know, Ryan is back from “the ‘hab” and seems to be doing pretty well.  I mean, something still seems off to me, but I’m not a doctor and can’t diagnose.  He and Maci are basically playing a game of “Guess Who” via text message because Maci thinks that texts coming from Ryan’s phone are actually from Mackenzie.  Speaking of her, what’s her deal?  She looks so conniving in every scene she’s in.  It’s like, you pretty much just got on this show so take several seats (I heard Wendy Williams say that once).

Everyone is trying to figure out what to do with Bint-Lee.  Even Maci wants him to spend time with Ryan, but she also wants Ryan to take a drug test for $400 that she’ll pay for to make sure he’s clean and won’t try to light up Bint-Lee on a metal spoon.  Ryan, on the other hand, contacts a lawyer and asks him questions on speakerphone about what his rights are.  The lawyer pretty much says that Maci isn’t doing anything legally wrong, but then here’s the thing…he keeps saying “I assume you’ll pass a drug test” and Ryan is just kinda like “Yeeeaaaaah” all whilst Mackenzie gets fidgety and looks around the room at the camera crew with a look on her face that says, “If you say a word, I’ll cut you.”  The whole thing was super suspect.

Oh, also what was strange was that scene with Larry  and Ryan’s mom where Larry just said the whole time that they knew something was going on with Ryan last season because they’re not stupid.  He also said that now they know what Ryan’s drug triggers now, which include Bint-Lee and when Ryan’s mom cries.  For real.  Her tears were a trigger.  Oh, and did I mention she was crying this whole scene?  Good luck!

 

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