And so we meet again. Dr Drew and his baby vomit green decides to bring Amber back after she stormed off stage due to her mom talking to Dr Drew about her daughter dying from SADS. That’s a typo and, well, I’m keeping it because Amber stuffed into her blue blouse without spanx makes me sad. Ambjikistan finally comes back out on stage and Drew tries to smooth things over with the whole SIDS thing and then kinda sorta makes Amber’s mom (who should clearly be named Bonnie) feel like it was pretty much her fault because he keeps talking about how SIDS can be prevented. Truth be told, I’m looking it up because I want to make sure I can’t die from it too. I plan on adding one of those “angel” breathing monitors to my bed. I’ll ask my neighbors if they won’t mind turning on the alarm around 11pm and calling 911 if they hear it go off in the middle of the night. I’m a good planer like that. Anywheresyourpuffyvest, they quickly wrap up the time with Amber and she and her mom give each other a little kiss. I’m sure needles and pills were slyly being exchanged during that kiss. See you whores in 2012.
Next up is Catelynn and Tyler. For reasons that I’m not aware of they’re both dressed like AOL IM WeeMee’s circa 2001. Catelynn looks like what would happen if Hello Kitty wasn’t so Asian and came to life in the form of a girl who is still trying to shed her 24-month old birth weight. You can tell all that simply from the Snooki bow placed very high up on Cate’s forehead. I’m talking real high. Like, Mistletoe would ideally go up there during the holidays. And, per usual, Tyler is dressed like the male version of a Bratz doll. These two really yawn it up for me and, most likely the editors, because we’re forced to watch about a 4 minute clip of their season and then…wait for it…we’re also forced to talk about “da club” incident and how that made Catelynn feel. Good going, Drew. I mean, certainly don’t use any of your time with them to talk about where the F Brandon and Teresa are and how crazy it was that Kim (I love that sick son-of-a-b*tch) called them to invite iCarly to their graduation. Stalker! Yeah, no, let’s talk about “da club.” I mean, it wasn’t even a real club. It was like a Bickfords with a disco ball and some rust dumpster playing his iTunes through elevator speakers. Kill yourself. However, kill me first. Or second. I’m not picky. Just get it done.
Later, Tyler talks about how he loves Catelynn (puke) but sometimes has feelings about the possibility of dating other girls. Really? No sh*t. You’re 12. Life expectancy is, like, at 90 now. You could diddle your way to freedom and then swing back and pick up Catelynn when you’re 40 and still be married for 50 years. I’m kidding. Butch will kill you in a botched cracked out robbery by the time you’re 22. Please defer your student loan payments. Trust me. In fact, put them in iCarly’s name so she’ll remember you every month when she’s making payments. Teresa will love that.
We are, however, in for quite the treat because we have a special guest appearance from none other than April! When I saw her I immediately stood up, kissed her on the lips via my television, and then briskly scurried to the walk in clinic to make sure I didn’t catch anything. The only thing that would make April’s scenes better is if this was in 3D. I want to see that damn forehead coming at me from every direction. I’ll sit here with a fly swatter for protection if need be. April, of course, looks like quite the dish in her gray stretch pants, brown suede cowboy boots (via In Living Color Fly Girls circa 1991), and tank top that really make her breasts say, “Hello. I’m filled with Twisted Tea and I’m spectacular!” Apparently, however, the higher up on April we go the more we see that she has just given up. She kinda just ran a hair pick through her bangs and then kept brushing the rest of her wet hair with a horse brush until it dried. She’s a woman that is all forehead and teeth. A dream, actually. We learn that Butch went back to the slammer because he violated his no contact order with April and was caught on film. Booo to that. These two sex-pots can’t keep their hands off each other. And, I mean, who can blame them really? I have a feeling that foreplay for them consists of April opening up Natty Lite’s with her gentlemen greeter and Butch licking his own rat tail in the heat of the moment. I, for one, just made myself sick with those two thoughts. Either way, Butch is in jail and April regrets listening to him over her own daughter. All is forgiven and multiple hugs ensue. I love how Catelynn is actually the mom and April is the F’d up teen. I wonder if Catelynn can technically give her up for adoption too. I’m sure Teresa and Brandon will buy her. Did you just ask me to buy my baby?
In the end, Tyler cries because he loves his mom so much and Catelynn tries her best to suck in her stomach when the camera is on her but we see it. We. See. It. Remember, food can’t love you back. God is love, Rev Run.
Ugh. Of course we would have to end things with Maci. What a funny way to kick me in the dice bag one last time for the season is officially over. Now I get a lot of questions on why I don’t make fun of Maci’s horrible skin. I, too, used to have really bad skin back in the day before I turned into the crapbag that I am today. Here’s the thing. I took enough Accutane to make me want to fly a twin propeller plane into a Ferris Wheel at a Six Flags Great Adventure. The point is, that sh*t works. I mean I’m sure it sucked the soul of of me, but I had clear skin in about 2 months and it’s stayed that way ever since. And, as we all know, it’s really what’s on the outside that matters because you can’t judge someone by what’s on the inside because you can’t see it. That’s how that works. In closing, get Accutane.
Dr Drew looks like he’s about to pin down Maci and try to give her that second baby that she so desperately wants. Amber should just give Leah to her. Two birds with one stone(r). Maci finally explains that she wants another baby but isn’t going to have one until she’s married one day…or forgets to take her birth control. Whichever comes first. She should just have sex in the mouth to play it safe. I’m surprised Drew isn’t giving pointers about that. Hey-oh! Anywhitehaironwhitegirls, Kyle ends up “walking” out on stage with one dead leg. At first I was like, “Wow! That albino polar bear stole Gary’s shirt and is doing the robot! Alright!” Then I realized it was just Kyle and I was truly let down. Kyle isn’t a man of many words, but I guess we can’t blame him because it’s impossible to know all the words. We end up learning that if Kyle were to dump Maci’s ass she would not let him see Bint-Lee because she really doesn’t want to turn her life into an episode of My Two Dads. I don’t blame her. But only because I actually don’t care. It makes things easier for me to process.
Later, Kyle tucks-and-rolls off stage and Ryan comes out with a couple of snorts, a held back yawn, and his eyes bugged out most of the time like he’s Ramona doing Turtle Time. Ryan is trying to come across as “changed” and “rational” and I think he’s really putting the moves on Dr. Drew because Drew is eating it up. At one point I thought I heard Drew squeal, kick up his legs, and mutter, “Boop-Oop-A-Doop!” The whole time you can totally tell that Maci and Ryan still want to get it on, but there’s a giant polar bear in their way. Luckily, I think polar bears will be extinct soon so maybe they won’t have to worry about Kyle after all. At one point, even Dr Drew is saying how he really thought that Maci and Ryan would get back together. They should just try it…and film it. I mean, I’d be totally fine if they just reenacted scenes from Friends as if they really were Ross and Rachel. It doesn’t need to be real. I’m open to a little white-trash role playing. But, alas, they both say that they’ll never be together but they do love each other…as friends. Were the Friends really friends? Now seems like just as good a time as any to ask that question because, well, it’s been in a while since I’ve asked. I’m not sure if anything else happened with them because I went to take a Shasta McNasty and closed my eyes on the toilet for what seemed like 30 minutes.
In the end, all the Teen Mom’s, Teen Dad’s, and their applicable bastard children are back for 2 minutes of complete BS. Bint-Lee takes a liking to Farrah. I’m sure he just wanted to take a peak at the metal in her mouth to see what he’ll be up against in 10 more years. Sophia (Baby Goo) is making animal noises and keeps looking out from the top of her eyes like she’s possessed by the devil…or just simply trying to scare off Debra who’s probably behind the cameraman spit-shining her trash claw and packing her own suitcase for Florida because you totally know she’s going to be crashing that trip. Even Leah is getting in on the action by running victory laps around the stage. Eh, at least she’s exercising. It’s going to be an uphill battle I’m sure. iCarly was nowhere to be found, as I’m sure Teresa and Brandon are finalizing their paperwork for the Witness Protection Program.
Well folks, that’s all from the Teen Mom saga. I won’t be recapping the “unseen moments” as I’ve already missed it and would rather punch myself square in the penile than write about this one more time. I need a break from Ye Old Teenage Mother as I’m sure they need a break from me. Feel free, however, to talk about all this crap in the comments section of this here blog. Good luck getting past my comment blocker…it’s a real wise guy. Oh, and feel free to spread the word and follow me on Facebook and Twitter. There are links everywhere for it, in case you haven’t seen them. Insert sidewards winky face here ______. Ole!