Woo hoo! Let’s put these rust dumpsters under the microscope of Dr. Drew Potato Head and his removable hair piece! I always love how we kick things off with a close up of Dr Drew with his face right in the camera like he’s trying to analyze each and every one of us through the magic of our television-sex-boxes. I also love how Drew keeps on committing to that whole “t-shirt and a sports coat” trend that keeps never happening. It’s like Miami Vice every day at Drew’s house. And someone needs to tell him that Kermit green mixed with Gerber’s green bean medley isn’t a good color combination for anyone unless, of course, you are in fact Kermit the Frog eating Gerber green beans.
We get to quickly touch base with all the “girls” before we break into smaller groups and talk about politics. Wait, that part doesn’t happen. What does happen, however, is that each girl get to talk about the feedback they receive from randoms on the street. Let’s just say thank Santa Christ I’m not one of those randoms on the street or the “feedback” would have consisted or retraining orders and regret. Catelynn starts talking absolute nonsense about how she talks to girls in the hospital over the phone whilst they’re giving birth so she can convince them to give their bastards up for adoption. Yeah, Catelynn, yeah I’m sure that doesn’t happen. She should spend her efforts on talking to little sluts at Claire’s in the mall from getting piercings in their chin and cheeks like they’re auditioning for an endless Avril Lavigne video. Amber, of course, says that most of her feedback is negative because, well, it is, and Farrah tries to convince everyone that people give her such positive feedback. Yeah, I’m sure the lady who lives next door to you that took and, most likely, cooked your dog has wonderful things to say. I mean she also give positive reinforcements to her tea cups and hair rollers too. So, well, there’s that. Oh, and Maci thinks that if Bint-Lee uses his “paci” until he’s 17 years old he won’t get his girlfriend pregnant. Apparently Maci still thinks that sperms shoot from the tongue. Bricks.
However, we’re officially starting things off with Farrah. “Horray!” rejoiced the Who’s. Farrah, who is dressed like Mrs Roper in a floor length caftan and sandals looks less than pleased to be there. Our little glow worm looks puffy and huffy. Not much is new, really, with Farrah since the last time we saw her. She still has a chip on her shoulder and is still rocking that sexy ugly cry all the live-long day. Dr. Drew wants to know about her big plans on moving to Lauderdale, probably because he wants to put on some board shorts, black shoe polish the hell out of his Potato Head hair, and wrestle with a fragile Farrah on the beach during Spring Break 2012 for an MTV special. Eh, either that or he really does care, but I think I was closer with my first guess. He then asks Farrah why she doesn’t have any friends and says that she seems like someone who would have a lot of them. Uh, clearly he doesn’t watch the show. My only regret is that he didn’t ask what in the holy hell happened to Margaret Cho from last season. I’m sure the answer is, “Debra finally saw all the episodes where Cho was talking smack about her, so she killed her and turned her into Moo Goo Guy Pan.” It’s a half rhetorical question and half a “no really, answer it” kind of question. Anyworms, Farrah says that she doesn’t have friends because she doesn’t have time for them in her life right now. Yeah, all that sulking really eats up a lot of hours in the day.
Later, Farrah lets the cat out of the bag when Drew is asking how long Farrah will be away from Sophia whilst at school and Farrah answers “two weeks.” What is this the Money Pit? Two weeks? Two weeks? Somewhere backstage Debra is literally turning into the Incredible Hulk because she was under the assumption that Baby Goo was living with her for two years. My ass literally started to sweat when Farrah admits that Debra has no knowledge of her new change in plans. Full disclosure, after my ass started sweating I immediately started drafting up an exit strategy on how to get the hell out of my apartment in case Debra jumps through my TV and beings to trash claw the sh*t out of me. After Farrah breaks the news, out comes Debra. Gulp. She should have come out in her reflector vest and set of butcher knives, charged the stage, and started yelling to Drew, “Someone better tack on another 120 hours to my community service because I’m going to pin this b*tch down!” At least that’s what I would have done. I was surprised, however, how calm Debra remained and how feathered her hair stayed during her segment. She even said she thought it was a good idea for Farrah to take Sophia for a few weeks to see how it really will be. I mean, this is her passive aggressive way to say, “You’ll make the wrong choice” but still at least she didn’t swat at her.
In the end, Farrah cries because Debra gave her room away to Sophia, but the good news is that there are 4 other bedrooms in the house that Farrah can stay in any time she wants. I actually felt bad for Farrah because she said a big part of moving to Florida was to make some friends. If she just spent a little time on this here blog she’d instantly get hundreds of friends. I mean, we’d be the type of friends to make fun of her to her face but, still, friends nonetheless! Underbite FTW!
Next up we have Amber. It’s shocking to me that no one is trying to kill the two giant spiders that have taken up shop on her eyelashes. I think she looks spooktacular. See what I did there? Dr. Drew and his thigh-high leather boots wants to know if people at home should think that being Amber and pregnant at a young age is glamorous. Amber basically calls herself white trash (which takes the pressure off of me) and says that no one should want to be like her. And the country collectively let out a sigh of relief. Amber also seems to think that if she ends up having to serve her three years in prison it’ll be horrible being away from Leah for that long. Something tells me deep down inside she’s hoping for a least a year off. I love how “tot mom” is free to roam the world, but Amber is under the watchful eye of the court.
Is it just me or is Amber kind of spacing out a lot in this reunion special? Part of me thinks that she’s holding it together and then the other half of me thinks that she’s on an Ecstasy trip and keeps looking up at the lights on the set. Dr. Drew decides to be a downer and bring up her sister who died from SIDS when Amber was only 4 or 5 and this forces Amber’s face to take on all new shapes. Some, I’ve never seen before…like the Octagon. Wait, is that the “stop” sign? One may never know. Oh wait, we may know. We may know. Anylashesfromsatan, Dr. Drew is kissing Amber’s ass by saying how awesome she is for seeing 16,000 different therapists and not smacking the Taco Bell out of Gary’s ass on the regular. And…enter Gary. Gary, who has been basically given his own couch to sit on, is apparently bigger than we’ve ever seen before. Seriously, it’s not even funny anymore. We need to stage an Intervention or else Gar Bear is going to be visiting Farrah’s baby daddy in purgatory. I’m kidding. They’ll both be in hell for not following the Bible and having sex before marriage. Sorry dudes, Jesus hates that sh*t. I mean, in their defense people in Biblical days got married at like 12 because life expectancy was about 30 so “no sex before marriage” really meant “don’t have sex when you’re 11.” It’s all relative. If that was today, Amber would have been like an old spinster. Anycarbskill, Gary is sporting a beautiful blue blouse and shorts. Yes, shorts. Because nothing says, “Hey mom! I’m on TV!” quite like seeing knees and hairy tree trunk legs.
Dr. Drew talks a lot to Gareriffic about pushing Amber’s buttons and always saying that he’s going to take Leah away from her and Amber always is a catty little C-word to Gar on the regular. Drew wants them to stop this immediately because it’s not ok for parents to do this. Sure, it’s not ok but it sure is entertaining as all get out. Gary admits that he still loves Amber and when Dr. Drew asks Amber is she still is in love with Gary she, no joke, takes about a 15 minute “looking break” where she just basically looks around and then says she has to see how this will work out before she knows if she loves him. Something tells me Gary will be eating his feelings tonight in the hotel after the taaaaaaping! The good news is that they’re all becoming BFF with the CPS and realize that they’re trying to help them and not keep their family apart. Apart like Gary’s sex-pot Mom’s legs when she’s in heat. So, you know, Monday-Sunday. Allegedly. Phew! We also learn that Amber’s favorite part about being Leah’s mom is…wait for it…wait for it…..dancing! Yes! Jackpot! They both love to dance and know they’re “sexy-dancing” to anything that the Selena Gomez sings. Which is the Disney girl who tried to off herself? Was that Selena Gomez? Oh wait, or was that Demi Lovato? They’re actually the same person, right? Like when Lindsay Lohan played both roles in that terrible remake of The Parent Trap? Eh, I’m over it.
In the end, Amber’s mom comes out on stage without her puffy vest, but with that same old slur that we’ve all come to love. I have no idea what she was saying. All I know is that Dr. Drew basically forced her to talk about the night her baby died and Amber has a breakdown and has to leave the set. They then flash a “…to be continued” sign across the screen like this is a cliffhanger episode of “Who’s the Boss.” Hopefully next week Drew asks Amber about her alleged dirt nap she tried to take after this season wrapped. Until next time….