It’s not normal that every time Teen Mom starts up I always sing “Sweet 16” in my head. I mean, I’m also crazy-train so I guess it is normal. Anybustedhymen, walk with me, talk with me, and feel better with me because we’re not 16 and we’re not pregnant, but it sure is fun watching others ruin their lives, no? I choose to watch this whilst drinking a beer because, well, I can and, well, they can’t. It’s a real power trip.
- Catelynn – Why won’t this poor girl get bangs? It’s no secret that Catelynn and her mom come from the same forehead and, for some reason, their hairline starts at the very top of their head. I say grow bangs and grow ’em fast. If she can’t, just draw them in with a thick Sharpie, yes? Moving on. Catelynn’s mom always acts so embarrassed when she tells her that she misses her. It’s like she has a girl-crush on her and doesn’t really want to admit it. Catelynn peaces out of the shed they’re living in to go and visit Tyler and his awesome 80’s mom. I hope she brings shoulder pads. That would be sweet. Once Catelynn arrives we learn that 3 years ago she slept with her ex-boyfriend in Florida. I’m sorry, 3 years ago? So you were 13. You were having sex at 13 yrs old and I didn’t see you on Maury Povich? Odd. I mean, I watched a lot of Maury. Sex at 13 scares me. You wanna know what I was doing with my ding-dong at 13? Peeing. And, well, that’s it. Can we put those elastics that are in her mouth over her crotch to keep it shut? And, more importantly, why does she always sound stuffed up? I have many questions that don’t have answers. Tyler decides he’s going to call this dude from 3 years ago because, you know, that makes sense. Later, Tyler tries to explain this situation to his 80’s mom and, while her eyes are typically bugged out (shoulder pads are probably too tight), she looks like she’s trying to do the math on a group dinner where 2 of the 6 people didn’t drink and didn’t get an appetizer. It’s tough. I get it. Tyler catches Catelynn in a lie about the last time she talked to her ex-boyfriend and now he doesn’t know if he can marry her. I think he has plenty of time to decide. I mean, wait it out 10 years and get married when you’re, you know, 25. Meanwhile, Catelynn is back at the shed and crying to her mom that she thinks she lost Tyler forever. A lot was going on during this, but I was in a trance, hypnotized, looking at Catelynn’s mom wearing a black baseball hat and a black t-shirt and thinking that she looks exactly like butch without a mustache (especially with her rat-tail coming out the back of the hat) and, you know what, it scares me more than words can describe. In the end, Tyler and Catelynn meet up to have coffee and talk about their relationship. Catelynn does a lot of ugly crying. I mean, a lot of ugly crying. Really ugly crying. I bet if she had bangs it wouldn’t have looked so bad. After Catelynn gives her engagement ring back to Tyler, he waits a good 3 minutes before giving it back to her and now they’re engaged again. Sweet. Oh, I have an idea. Turn 17.
- Maci – It’s big decision time for Maci. Should she move into a rented house with her friends or continue living in her parents huge house and get help raising Bint-Lee? Tough times. Although, no one is having a harder time than Bint-Lee. He’s literally banging his head on the floor over and over again until he starts crying and freaking the F out. It’s odd, I’m Bint-Lee too. That is exactly what I do when I’m watching Teen Mom. Although, once I start crying I typically sh*t my pants and, well, I don’t know if Bint-Lee did that in this scene. I’ll write a letter to Maci to find out. Anytwang, Maci and her friends start looking at houses to rent and her one friend looks like she may pull a Louise Woodward on poor little Bint-Lee if he keeps crying. Honestly, why does anyone think it’s a good idea for all these single girls to move in with an un-wed mother and her 1 year old son? I envision Bint-Lee sleeping on top of a keg. In the end all the girls decide not to move in together because they think it will be too crazy with little Bint-Lee. That one friend looks like she’s already finalizing plans to fill her vaginastein with concrete so she can never have sex and get pregnant ever. Ever. Never. Well, thanks Bint-Lee for ruining any hopes of me seeing this show turn into as close to The Hills as we’ll ever get again. Baby.
- Amber – Oh Jesus. These two. Is it just me or does anyone else think that Amber and Gary are producing and creating their own storylines themselves? Time are tough for Roseanne and Dan Connor as Dan isn’t working and Roseanne is forced to take a job at Rodbell’s Department Store a tanning salon to help pay the bills. With money being tight I’m sure this will turn into some physical violence between the two. Gary decides to tell Amber that he likes another girl by saying, “I like another girl.” Way to bury the lead, Gary! Oh there we have it. Gary pushes Amber down to the bed and Amber jumps back up like a freakin’ ninja and slaps Gary in under 2.2 seconds. Impressive. Gary’s reaction is priceless when he simply states, “Wow. You just hit me.” Yup, that pretty much sums it up, Gar. Now I know why you’re not working. Later Gary comes back over to tell Amber that he wants to break up for 4 days. I’m not kidding. He only wants 4 days. Amber, a supreme negotiator, talks him down to just 1 day of being broken up so he can go and bang that other chick. I believe on The Hills this was called “Relationship Vacation” and, well, because they don’t have a pot to piss in I’m pretty sure this is the only vacation they’ll be able to afford. Although for two people who barely work it’s refreshing to see a Nintendo Wii in the background. Might as well get really good at bowling while you have some downtime. Meanwhile, Gary decides to go out with that “other girl” and takes her bowling. Oh, did I mention she has a baby too? Yeah, she does. And she brings him…on the date. Isn’t this kinda like trading in your ’85 Oldsmobile for, like, another ’85 Oldsmobile? If you’re going to get a new car, trade up. Splurge for the ’92 with a tape-deck. In the end, Gary decides to stay with Amber because “she’s pretty.” Personally I think he didn’t choose the other girl because she didn’t want to be a dentist. Anyway, this seems like a really healthy relationship filled with Wii, Cracker Barrel, and punches.
- Farrah – Oh Farrah. Let’s go to therapy together. And bring your mom, Cindy-Lou Who, too. Ok? Ok! I don’t want to judge someones parenting but, well, I actually do want to judge someones parenting. Why does Farrah unplug the phone charger from the wall when Sophia goes to play with it? Doesn’t that just give her easy access to put her fingers into the electrical socket? Zap. Electricity doesn’t tickle, Farrah. Start thinking. Similar to Maci, Farrah is looking to get out of her mom’s guest house (randomly located across the street) and get her own place. While Farrah goes apartment hunting we get to meet some really random realtors. I guess anyone can show an apartment? Anyway, Farrah finally finds an apartment that she is qualified for an can afford (for this month). She’s like a real adult….except the fact that she wrote the check for her first months rent backwards. Apparently this was the first check she’s ever written. Maybe if she made different decisions she would have written her first check 18 months earlier and her only dilemma would have been to figure out if you hyphenate “abortion clinic” but I digress. I am kidding, of course. I don’t think anyone should get an abortion, especially when you can get a TV series out of it. When Farrah goes “home” to tell her mom and “Michael” that she and Sophia are moving out, she decides that she’s not telling them where she’s going. Farrah’s mom decides that she’s going to change the locks and that Farrah will have to make an appointment if she ever wants to see her mom. I believe that was all “code word” for “If the cameras weren’t here right now you’d be taking an upper-cut to the chin, bitch!” Farrah finally moves into her new place, but not before not looking at her mom or giving her a hug. Farrah’s parenting comes into question again when she leaves Sophia in her car-seat out in the hallway while she starts to unpack. Awesome. In the end, Farrah is all moved in and we learn that she can decide if her mom goes to jail for 5 years or just has to take 2 anger management classes. Really? Is that how that works? I’d put her in the slammer and then move back into her house. It just makes financial sense.