You may think that this Teen Mom recap is over a day late. You would be incorrect. I deliberately withheld the recap from you as a way to symbolize how Ryan feels about Bint-Lee being hijacked to Nashville. So did you like coming here and not finding the Teen Mom recap? Well neither did Ryan. Also, I lie. It’s just late…as late as April to charm and poise school. Here’s what went down on Ye Old Teenage Mother:
- Amber – We kick things off at Gary’s moms house, which almost always proves to be a real American classic treat. Why do “the poors” always have big fluffy leather couches in their house? Also, why is there always too much furniture jammed together in their living-room when it can’t even fit? It’s like, stop buying so much fluffy leather and buy books. Leah is busy mimicking Amber by walking around the apartment in her high-heels. I’m sure Leah is just seconds away from dropping F-bombs and doing “psych-out” punches to Gary. Oh, and you know she’s going to be all over that “sexy dancing” that Amber loves. And, I mean, who doesn’t, really? Gary is busy looking for new places to live and calls a realtor to start looking at some places that, according to the website screenshot, start at around $1595/month. Really? Loft goals, Gar. Does the “stocking shelves” job really pay that much? Per usual, though, an argument begins between Roseanne and Dan over Roseanne leaving her fork and knife that she ate dinner with on the suitcase in the living-room. Ok. So, many things were wrong with that sentence and that argument. Why is there a suitcase in your living-room and why does it seem like the best place for a knife and fork holder? Plus, it’s not the worst idea. I mean, if Leah can get her hands on the knife perhaps she can cut through the screen on the front door and run to DSS herself. Also, any chance Gary can stop wearing petite-sized Aeropostal t-shirts? He should be forced, contractually by MTV, to wear a Triple-Fat-Goose jacket at all times. Oh, and Spanx. Later Amber heads out to kickboxing class so she can learn how to properly beat the bag out of Gary. She actually starts fighting some random chick from the class, but personally I think she should pretend she’s fighting karma because, well, that can’t be too far off. Once she gets home she and Gary start fighting over the fact that he won’t be telling her who his new “roommates” are going to be. This, of course, makes Amber scream in Gary’s face all whilst doing that “yell-clap” thing that I’ve really be digging lately. While the screaming takes places Leah is just standing on the mattress that’s on the floor and is pressing herself against the window. This, my friends, is how little kids fall out the 2nd story window, land on the sidewalk, and make the 11:00 news. As we see in almost every episode, Amber kicks Gary out and so he takes Leah with him. Amber looks like she could use the break and some space so she can probably practice some more “sexy dancing.” God, I hope so. Dan picks up Booker so they can take DJ to the park. While Booker is a complete d-bag, he actually is the voice of reason in Dan and Roseanne’s relationship. Also, these two can totally be on next season of The Biggest Loser if they ever have a trailer-park themed season. In the end, Gary comes home to Amber, says he’s sorry, and is allowed to sleep on the couches until he finds a place. Anyone notice that Amber said, “you can sleep on the couches.” Couches. Plural. Meaning, your fat arse can’t fit on just one couch, so push two couches together and see how it goes.
- Farrah – Times are tough for our poor little worm-like Farrah, so she decided to save some money by making her own clothes and, therefore bought her very own sewing machine. As she tries to figure how to use it, Sophia dumps a cup of Farrah’s coffee down her face. Thank God it was iced. Farrah is literally being a b*tch TO the sewing machine. Also, the sewing machine looks like a toy…like an Easy Bake Oven. I’m pretty sure she can only make gimp bracelets with it. Later Michael tells Farrah that she can get Social Security from Sophia’s dead daddy and Farrah thinks this sounds like a spooktacular idea. Why not just dig up his casket and tip it over and shake it out for any loose change? I have an idea. Make more pizzas. I’m calling this “tough love” so save your hate mail and nasty comments. I’m kidding. I love them. The “next day” Farrah heads out to see her lawyer who, clearly, hates her. No joke, you can tell he actually can not stomach Farrah. Also, he wears a t-shirt in his office even though he knows a camera crew is showing up and that he’s going to be on national television. I just thought this should be noted. Things are very official around here at IBBB. The lawyer tells Farrah that in order to try and get Social Security she’s going to need Sophia’s dad’s sister to take a DNA test. Farrah, of course, is being a big b*tch to him and he’s basically like “Get a grip ya dumb whore.” Sidenote, Farrah is totally banging one of the camera guys, right? I figured so since she’s basically the Kristin Cavallari of this show. Anybugeyes, the lawyer calls the sister and leaves her a message that literally goes like this: “I’m John Jacobmeyer and I’m Sophia’s lawyer. Call me back.” Huh? I’m sure the chick who listens to that message will have no clue what any of those words meant. Farrah ends up sending the sister an email asking her about the DNA test and appears to be a b*tch over email as well. I’m starting to think Debra may have been right to roam the grounds with a butcher knife. Later Farrah calls the sister about the DNA test, talks to her, and doesn’t even say “thank you” when the sister claims she’ll go and get the test done. Farrah takes herself and Sophia to go get the DNA test…which is at a strip mall in the middle of an Army Recruiting office and a Cash Advance store. I’ll let you all make your own judgments here _____. In the end, the sister never ends up getting the DNA test taken so Farrah decides to cook Sophia and herself dinner all while Sophia lays down unattended on the couch. I’m waiting to hear the “thump.” Farrah ends up almost burning down the apartment when the stove catches on fire. I’m shocked she didn’t try to throw Sophia over it to smother the fire. I’m sure she’s thinking her landlord scammed her.
- Maci – I always have a hard time writing about Maci because she seems the most normal and actually seems like a decent mom. I feel like she’d be the 4th Lohan, you know, that was probably given up for adoption and raised by a good family. Anyfreckles, Maci is packing up her box (she should have done that before having “da sex” with Ryan) so she can move to Nashville with cartoon Kyle. I’m sure if this was Farrah she would have put her baby in the box and then said the USPS scammed her. Maci later says goodbye to everyone and her parents look like they’re on suicide watch. Maci brings Bint-Lee over to Ryan’s on her way to Nashvegas to tell him that they’re going to be moving this week. Um, her boxes are in the car and she’s heading to Nashville right now. Like, this second. More importantly, why is Ryan always just hanging out in his garage? Ryan ends up calling Maci a sh*tty person and Maci says that it’s now her decision if and when he gets to see Bint-Lee. This is all sad to me, which is even sadder to me. Maci leaves and we’re left just watching Ryan sit in his garage looking at his phone. I’m actually waiting for Maci to leave him a message that goes something like this: “…and then I realized I don’t want to go to Paris Nashville because everything I’ve ever wanted was right here. I love you, Ryan. I love you. I love you? I need to get off this dirt-bike. I need to get off this dirt-bike.” And then we’d hear someone say, “Ma’am you can’t get off this dirt-bike.” And then the message would just end. Ryan would shout out, “Get off the dirt-bike! Did she get off the dirt-bike? Did she get off the dirt-bike!?” And then Maci would appear at the garage doors with Bint-Lee in her arms and would say, “I got off the dirt-bike” and then the crowd would scream. Oh, wait. Is it just me that thought it would end this way? Odd. However, it didn’t end that way (yet) as Maci moves into her new place and Bint-Lee goes running into cartoon Kyle’s arms when he shows up. Ru-roh. Awkward. I wonder what Ryan is going in his garage right now? Yawning, perhaps.
- Catelynn – Obviously I saved the best for last. Catelynn’s scenes were filled with April in rare form and cameos from the rest of our favorite cast of characters. Catelynn is cleaning the “house” of it’s 2,000 Dr. Pepper cans before April comes back from her Vegas vacation. April shows up and let’s just all assume she’s still a little drunk from the plane. She’s with her friend who doesn’t even look like she knows how to enter the house or walk through it. They all discuss how the Vegas trip was and, apparently, the highlight of the entire trip for April was seeing a shirt that said, “If you think I’m a b*tch, you should meet my mom.” This makes April, literally, squeal with delight. This, folks, is the exact target demographic for the Harriet Carter catalog. You know it. I know it. April may know it. April asks Catelynn if she had any big parties while she was gone and if she “saved her any” from it. She does a little chuckle that says, “I’m in recovery, b*tch! How ’bout that?! Now shut your mouth, Catelynn, before I shut it for you. B*tch!” I would have answered her by saying, “Oh, did you bring me any of your wine bottles from the flight?” The “next day” we’re at Tyler’s house and, thank God, because his mom is in this scene and she is inexplicably dressed like Gilligan from Gilligan’s Island. Also, notice the fluffy leather furniture in the background? The defense rests. Just when I’m having a real hoot with Tyler’s mom and watching them make a scrap-book for Carly with a hot-glue gun, Catelynn gets a collect call on her cell phone from Butch in the clink. I’ll assume Butch has found a way to smuggle coke into rehab because he’s all bubbly and happy on the phone screaming, “I love you guys” into the phone and then later telling everyone that he got Carly’s name tattooed on his arm with the rest of his illegitimate grandkids all wrapped around an angel. Um, sweet? I’m sure the angel is definitely giving the side-eye as I am right now. In the last 3 minutes of the call, we learn that Butch is actually in the slammer again, and not rehab, because he violated his parole by calling April. The phone suddenly just hangs up and we end the scene by seeing the page on the scrap book which is a picture of Butch that says, “This is my father, his name is Darl.” I literally shouted out “YES!” to my TV when I saw it. Also, I pronounce that like “darling.” Darl-ling (extra emphasis on the l’s) This is my father, his name is Darl-ling. Or, this is my Darling father. Say it with a British accent for added class. Later April ends up writing a letter to the parole board to try and get Butch out of the slammer. I’m wondering if she wrote it with crayon or a #2. I bet it’s like a letter to Santa. You know the parole board is going to get it and be like, “Awww little April wants her Daddy to come home for Christmas.” Butch ends up calling April, even though he isn’t supposed to, and April calls him “Boo.” Really? Why not “Daaaaahl?” Hey Daaaaaahl! Well, looks like Darl needs a lawyer so April brings Catelynn to the strip mall to have an initial consultation with some random lawyer. She claims that during their domestic violence spat she was drunk and can’t even remember what she told the police. Really? Why won’t anyone suggest to rewind the episode of COPS to see exactly what she said? Anyway, the lawyer explains to April the situation and April (our budding comedian) says, “So what do you suggest I do? Hire you?” and then she lets out a very smokey chuckle. I think she actually coughed up Misty 120’s during that laugh. The lawyer lets her know it will cost her $1500 and April gives him a look that says, “Can I just give you a handy under the table and we’ll call it even?” Sidenote, real or fake? And, yes, I’m talking April’s teeth. In the end, April cries and can’t afford to pay the $1500. Perhaps she shouldn’t have spent it all on her trip to Vegas. I actually feel kind of bad. April is looking at Catelynn like, “So are you gonna give me any of that Teen Mom or ‘cover of Us Weekly’ money??” Join Me on Facebook!