I wanted to title this one “The One Where Everyone is Pregnant” but I just figured that was a given since if it’s one thing we’ve learned from 25 years of Teen Mom episodes it’s that when doing naughty boom boom feels good, the hell with protection! This week we learn that Gary’s Polygamist Sect girlfriend, Kristina, is “with child.” We learn this because she took three pregnancy tests and then looked at herself in the mirror whilst the MTV cameras looked at her. I call Garyshit on this scene because I’m pretty sure they already knew they were pregnant since Kristen came down the stairs to tell Gar Bear and she was basically already in labor.
When Kristina half-assed told Gary the news without any form of life in her face or inflection in her voice, Gary basically tells her that it doesn’t mean they’re getting married, they may not be “the one” for each other, and she has some options…like adoption. I’m sure that’s the exact way your parents also ‘celebrated’ the news that you would be entering their lives in 9 months. And was it just me or do you think that Gary was really gunning for a good old fashion abortion? I mean, I’m sure if he just sat on her that would take care of the problem or at least he could have give her a little bourbon whiskey and then sent her over to Ambjikistan to get her ass kicked down the stairs…with a 1998 television trailing quickly behind her. Presto! Problem solved!
Meanwhile, Catelynn and Tyler Perry head off to the doctor so they can see how the better Carly is progressing. Oh, and Catelynn gets fat shamed for about 20 minutes by Tyler and the doctor (who has a long flowing perm, mind you). Apparently Catelynn is supposed to only gain 1-3 pounds per month and she’s already gained 20. 20. 20 pounds. In one month. Slow clap for her. How did she do it, you ask? I picture her to be like the garbage disposal on The Flintstones. You know the one. Here’s the thing, there’s a bit of a disconnect because Tyler is trying to get Hello Kitty to just eat healthier and, you know, not gain 150 pounds before the wedding and Hello Kitty just wants to “enjoy her pregnancy.” I think she thinks that means “catching the ‘betes, y’all!” She keeps saying that she can’t be that perfect skinny pregnant lady, but the doctor is like, “If you gain any more weight I’m giving your baby to Brandon and Teresa….again” Also…the doctor said that when pregnant you should only add an additional 100-300 calories to your diet per day. PER DAY! Um, and I pregnant?! I just added 250 calories to my diet so far today and I just got out of bed. #America!
Back in Amber and Gary Land, Leah is all excited to have a new baby brother or baby sister…or “dinner!” as Gary may refer to the baby as. I was legit shocked (!!) when Gary then says to Leah, “The baby was an accident. That means that we didn’t plan on having it.” I’m sorry, come again? I had to hit rewind to make sure I heard it all correctly. Is Gary on something? For real. And I’m not talking about a diet plan. Hey-oh! Either way, accident and all, Leah is stoked. Oh and you know what else Leah is excited for? Shitting her pants. For real. When the miracle that is Gary’s car takes his weight to go pick Leah up from school, she lets him know that the teacher would not let her go to the bathroom so she literally pooped her pants and has been sitting in it ever since. I mean. Gary just kinda smiles and has a look on his face that says, “You did? Well I’m doing it right now!” I couldn’t believe he didn’t go into the school and do “shaken baby syndrome” to that teacher! WTF!? Spoiler alert, Leah stays with shit in her pants for one more entire scene before anyone even mentions getting her out of those poop pants.
As they head over to Amber’s house of horrors, I squeal with delight when Amber answers the door and Leah hugs her and says, “I’m stinky!” and Amber thinks it’s a cute little saying and is like, “I know Boo Boo!” No. Leah meant she smells because she has actual hour old feces in her pants and could use a little assistance from an adult. The surprises just keep on coming when Gary decides to tell Amber that he is having a baby. At first she guesses that Gar Bear and Stoic Kristina are getting married. Gary is all, nooooo! But we’re having a baby. Amber calmly just says, “Well good luck with that” and then she…wait for it…wait for it….doesn’t freak out. She doesn’t yell. She doesn’t swear. She doesn’t kick him in the rear. She doesn’t scream. She doesn’t shout. She doesn’t say, “Get the f**k out!” She’s calm….and I’m scared. She does however politely inform him that he’s on national television so he shouldn’t say he’s not going to marry Kristina. Suddenly there are etiquette rules?! By the end of the scene they’re both laughing and shit-shaming Leah and all seems right with the world. Sure, by the end of the episode Amber is crying on the couch because she’ll never be with Gary, but that’s another story for another time.
Back to Cate and Ty. They’re still all pissed off that Brandon and Teresa don’t want to pretend that Carly really isn’t theirs. But they do call up Cate and Ty to let them know they want to have a sit-down talk so they can talk all this bull crap out. Cate and Ty are like, sure! And then they want to know if they’ll get to see Carly after their meeting and Teresa half-assed says yes. I’m pretty sure this is more of an intervention than it is a meeting with Carly. I’m sorry, but these two need to move the hell on and stop watching slideshows that Tyler created of Carly from 3 years ago whilst the MTV cameras watch them watching the slideshows for dramatic effect.
You know what the best part was though? If you know me you know EXACTLY what it was. It was when Tyler and his mom, Kim, were at a restaurant having lunch and Kim was sporting that baseball hat. I’m not joking, tell me it didn’t look like he was having lunch with Bruce Jenner mid-transition??!?! For real, watch that scene again and tell me I’m wrong. It was the best mind-f**k ever! Also, I love Kim, as you know. I also love April more than life itself. But is it so strange that when they tell everyone that they get to see Carly in a few weeks everyone else is like, “But did you ask them when the rest of the family can see her?” I mean. I’m pretty sure the rest of the family IS the reason why Teresa and Brandon want nothing to do with them! Awww….poor poor people. Either way, I’m letting my first born not only see April and Kim, but I’m making them the official god-parents! You’re welcome.
Oh, and Maci is pregnant too.
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