Farrah – Grab your protective shields and put yourself in lockdown because it’s Baby Goop’s 8th birthday! This year the theme is “Princess” and Farrah wants everyone over to her house of “non-negativity” because, well, she’s filming a TV show and it just makes sense. Michael ends up meeting up with Farrah and Goop at lunch and honk your horn twice if you shuttered like me when Farrah gave Michael a hug. He goes in for the hug and she kinda half slaps his back from the side and just goes “ooookay.” Now that’s real love. Also, I’m probably pretty late to the party on this, but did I hear from another show that Michael had 21 affairs when he was married to Debra? For real, how can you have that many affairs, like, literally? Do you skip family dinner on most nights? Blow off Christmas? Skip out on any month ending with a “y?” I need to know.
More good news! Debz OG (yeah you know me) is flying in to be with Goop for her birthday. Farrah hasn’t spoken or seen her since Goop’s store opening. Fun fact: Did you know that Sophia’s store is sponsoring her birthday party? Remember when your lemonade stand hosted your 8th birthday? So same/same.
Personally, I loved when Debz arrived at Farrah’s House of Empty Hearts and was locked out of the front gate and had to call Farrah to figure out how to get inside. I was like, “Oh she’s as good as dead!” Have you ever seen a Who in the hot Texan heat? It ain’t pretty. Finally after typing in the code on the garage (I’m sure it was 6969696969) our favorite Teenage Grandmother (after Barb) is let in the house and then let all the dogs out who were jam packed in that tiny little cage. So if you ever wondered the age-old question “Who let the dogs out?” well, now you finally know. Thanks Teen Mom!
Setting up for Baby Goop’s birthday party is as horrific as you could ever imagine. Farrah, per usual, just screams at Michael for messing up the balloons and then sends him out of the house to get more balloons all whilst screaming. Luckily Paola shows up to save the day and is either coming back from “da club” or is getting ready to head out to “da club.” Either way, “da club” must be involved somehow. Later Farrah, Michael and crew all spray-paint Starburst and put a rainbow unicorn horn on his head, you know, to really sass him up. Michael makes sure to let the camera know that they’re not hurting the mini-horse in any way as all the paint is totally safe. I wish he would give the same messaging to the camera when they’re all screaming at each other.
Later Farrah continues to yell at Debra for asking questions throughout the party and for not really doing anything for her birthday when she was little. She also claims there weren’t really any pictures of her either. Debz tries to explain that they didn’t have iPhones back then so all her pictures are printed out in photo albums. That wasn’t enough for Farrah. Did that lead to the porn, I ponder? I’m always trying to pinpoint the exact moment that flipped her script. Do the kids still say that? I heard it on TRL once.
Overall the party was a huge success. Princess Belle came and taught all the little girls how to stand because, apparently, that’s a thing. She also spoke like she was on a meth binge so there was that. And they had an 8 layer birthday cake like at those horrific weddings where all the lighting is purple like it’s 2005. The next morning Debz made pancakes for all the kids (one at a time) and Baby Goop got her pancakes first because she won some game Debz was playing in a baby voice. In the end, to no surprise Farrah and Debz fought because Farrah thought she was leaving the next day, but Debz explained she was staying with her for a few days and The Big F lost her shiz. She instructed her to stay at a hotel, but Debz couldn’t because she couldn’t rent a car and then a whole other fight broke out about car rentals, as one could assume.
Amber – This episode with Amber is really all about her new website she’s launching, Forever Haute, and everything she needs to do to also have her own fashion show. Apparently there are a lot of decisions to make when having your own fashion show like, “who’s wearing the clothes” and “what’s the name of the show” and “where do we have it.” Amber seems freaked out by all of these, but Sully is right there by her side to agree with whatever she says to help ensure that money train doesn’t slow down any time soon. Choo the the f’n choooooo!
I’m actually happy for Amber starting her own site. Personally I was kinda hoping she would use this show to launch a singing career, one that would rival even the most talented of Housewives. But, alas, she’s getting into eCom. She and Sully even stop by “da club” because that may be exactly where they want to have the fashion show. The place looks horrific and you totally know it looks like the kinda place where perhaps sex-trades may be dealt with on the regular. I’m not saying it is, I’m just saying it looks like it. The club promoter has so many questions for Amber, none of which she can answer like “when is it” and “how many people” and “is everyone 21.” Amber seems freaked that there may be drinking at “da club” and really isn’t sure who will show up so she’s starting to stress. I held my breath when the promoter asked if she was going to bring in a DJ or a musician and I was really hoping it was going to be Debz OG to, of course, rap during the entire runway show. Why doesn’t anyone dream as big as me?!
Meanwhile, over at Gar Bears House of Dad Bods, the family is all playing football on the side lawn and Leah is getting handsy with the boy. She’s kind of elbowing him and so finally he pushes her down (ahem, repeating the cycle, ahem) and Leah freaks, runs into the house, and slams the door. Apparently she has her momma’s strength because she somehow breaks the door and no one can get in the house and Leah is just crying on the puffy leather couch all by herself as Gary is banging on the door and telling her to clean up her attitude. Ah the poors. Just another sporting event.
In the end, Amber and Sully having a casting for “models” for the “fashion show” and they love all of them. They literally choose all the girls. It’s like America’s Next Top Mode, but on Opposites Day. Amber keeps telling the girls who aren’t white to “be sassy” so I’m not too sure what was going on with that. She also loved that some girls were plus sized, some were tall, and some were short. Basically everyone just showed up and was like “I model now.” And then Amber was like “You’re hired!” Sadly after all of the planning they realized this was hard and probz won’t make any money so they scrap the fashion show and figure they’ll just use the “models” on the website. Sully kept saying things like “Return on Investment” so, clearly, he knows what’s up. Gross.
Catelynn – Butch is still outta the slammer and doing well. He’s living, as we know, at Ty and Cate’s old house and is trying to stay the hell away from coke and whatnot. Ty goes to check on him and see any of the repairs that Butch has been doing on the house, which includes filling in holes in the walls and putting up an antique light in the upstairs hallway that is 2 inches from the ceiling and will most likely set the entire place ablaze due to faulty wiring. Butch claims he’s pretty much bored out of his mind because all he does is stay home and pace back and forth trying to not do drugs. I’m sure being on a TV show helps.
Meanwhile, Cate and April (!!) are at the salon getting makeovers and, I have to admit, I’m totally into it. Cate, of course, is picking out colored hair extensions because she’s still trying the make “pink ends” a thing and plans on riding that idea until the wheels come off. April (!!) on the other hand is cutting almost all of her hair off so she can donate it. I’m truly hoping she’s donating it to Butch so he can super-glue that long braid she has to where his old rat-tail was (R.I.P). April looks like a drowned rat as she’s waiting for the rest of her makeover to conclude but, sadly, we never get to see the final result. I was really hoping for like a T-Boz hairdo from the “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls” video. I guess we’ll never know. What a disaster for me.
Truth be told I can’t really remember much of what else took place for these two. I think Amber called up Cate to ask her if she wanted to be a plus size model in her fashion show. I think that happened. If it did I like how the Teen Mom’s are talking to each other on the phone on this show. It’s like they’re trying to morph this into The Real Housewives of Dumpster Fires and I’m ok with all of it.
In the end (because nothing else happened that hypnosis won’t help with), Cate and Ty head over to see their therapist Kathleen and talk about how they have no clue how to have a relationship because the examples their parents set for them were garbage. Kathleen is all “I know, you don’t have a fighting chance.” I mean she didn’t say it, but I think she was thinking it in her head. Also, why do I feel like her therapist office is the common space of a Comfort Inn? Just me?
Maci – Turned on Ryan’s parents on camera.
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