I have to say, I’m so pleased that these girls got themselves knocked to the hell up when they were 16 because Teen Mom really is a pleasant show to watch. I mean, sure it’s supposed to show “the kids” that your life will dramatically change if you do sex to each other and then get pregnant, but I also kinda think it shows them that if you do become “with child” and can put together a kick-ass audition tape, you can possibly get yourself on television, become a household name, get a spin-off, score a book deal, get invited to the MTV Music Awards, etc. I must admit, teen pregnancy does seem glamorous. Ooo la la! Let’s catch up with our favorite teen moms from the season premiere of Teen Mom (oh, that’s where they got the name from).
- Farrah: Where do we even begin? MTV cuts right to the chase and we kick things off with the 911 call Farrah (the worm) made when her mother, Debra, punched her in the face (allegedly). Debra, who looks like one of the Who’s from Whoville, was arrested and we keep hearing the lawyers say that the cops kept telling her that if she didn’t put the knife down they were going to shoot her/blow her head off. Um, where were the MTV cameras during this time? What a jip! They should have just recreated that scene. The Hills did it all the time and look how successful they were! Anywho, according to the court Farrah and Sophia can’t be in the same room/house with Debra unless there is another adult present at all times. Does the camera crew count? No really. So Farrah is forced to move out of her moms house and take her baby with her, but where will she go? Oh that’s right, she’ll be moving into her mom’s “second house” that is literally across the street. Wait what?! Who has two houses with the second home being across the street?! And what the hell does Debra do for a living? And more importantly, why does Farrah call her father “Michael?” And even more important than that, I thought Debra and Michael were getting divorced last season, so why is he in the house right now? And even more important than that, why is this show so good! In the end, Farrah lets Sophia cry in the house across the street and just turns off the lights to make her stop (great parenting) until Michael comes over and invites Farrah to go all the way across the street so that Debra can see Sophia. Did anyone notice that Debra’s house is gated, yet the homes to the left and right of her looks like white-trash crack dens? Just me? Fine. Next.
- Amber: Amber and Gary, the Roseanne and Dan Conner of our generation, are back together, but this season they are both out of work. I’m sure the Lunch Box is hiring. Perhaps Gary can get a job bartending at the Lobo? The job possibilities are endless in Lanford. Amber’s whole episode consists of her feeling nauseous and just assuming that she is pregnant again. Apparently she (puke) and Gary (vomit) had sex (barf) without a condom (hurl) one night when they were all hot and bothered (dry-heave). Gary rushes off to his bedroom to call his friend (who I thought he called “honey”) and tell him that Amber is definitely probably maybe almost certainly pregnant. To keep the drama up, instead of getting a pregnancy test from aisle 7 at Walgreens (I’ve heard) she decides to make an appointment at the free clinic to get an official pregnancy check. I have to be honest. This free clinic was the best part of the entire show. First off it’s like we’re watching that Appalachian Emergency Room skit on Saturday Night Live. The “doctor” comes out of nowhere and just yells “Amber!” like she just ordered cold-cuts from the deli. Second of all, I’m sure all the other teen moms in the waiting room waiting to see if they’re knocked up are psyched that a camera crew just busted into the place. Fifteenth of all, Amber can barely even stand up because she feels so sick, however, once she discovers she’s not pregnant she’s basically doing cartwheels in the parking lot and suddenly no longer feels sick. It’s a miracle! Keep your legs closed if you can’t afford another kid. Tell Ant Jackie I said hi.
- Maci: While I do like Maci (imagine) I have to admit having to listen to her pronounce Bently as “Bint-Lee” for another season may be a little more than my little brain can handle. Regardless, I’m watching. Maci’s whole episode consists of her going back to school, working full-time, and having to take care of Bint-Lee (Bruce Lee’s cousin) all by herself without the help of Ryan who remains to be doucheriffic even though he knows he’s on a television show and everyone with eyes can see him. Maci ends up having to go see the Child Support department (??) to figure out how she’s going to force Ryan to contribute Bint-Lee’s life. Sidenote, what’s up with Maci’s car? Why is it two-toned red and black and why does the front of it have a teeth-like contraption on the front of it? I’m confused. Is this like the whole Avril Lavigne vibe that “the kids” try to do? I’m still confused. Anyway, in the end we learn that Ryan has to pay Maci something like $80 per week. Seriously, where the hell do they live? Homeless kids in a Third World country require more than $80 a week to survive and that only gets them a cup of rice per day and maybe a vaccine or two (but more than likely no vaccine).
- Catelynn: I’ve saved the best for last. Me gusta Catelynn and her fiance/boyfriend Tyler. I like them for many reasons. First, they seem like good kids with a good head on their shoulders. Second, let’s be honest, they come from some pretty white trash families who look like they’ve been on a dozen or so episodes of COPS and, well, if you know me you know I love me some white-trash. I also like them because they were smart enough to give their baby up for adoption during their first show “16 and Pregnant” yet they’re still allowed to be on the 2nd season of this spin-off show, Teen Mom. Isn’t that almost like allowing a high school dropout to go to the prom? I digress. Catelynn and Tyler are still engaged from last season, but Tyler isn’t so sure he wants her still living with him and his mom. Let’s get to her. I love Tyler’s mom. I love how she is insanely 80’s and she owns it. 80’s perm. 80’s shoulder pads. 80’s everything. I love how she bugs her eyes out and looks up at her thick 80’s eyebrows when she talks. She’s like a real life Muppet to me and, well, I like everything about that idea. Poor Catelynn is forced to move back home with her mom and…wait for it….wait for it…..get a drink….wait for it….Butch! Seriously I said it before and I’ll say it again: GIVE BUTCH HIS OWN SHOW. Fine, I get it that maybe the MTV audience wouldn’t watch the show, but there has to be another channel that would pick it up? MTV becomes a huge tease and makes us wait until the very last scene to catch a glimpse of Butch. I was relieved, however, that Butch still has his mullet-rat-tail. Phew! I thought fame would have changed him. And, not for nothing, but how much meth is Catelynn’s mom on? When she has to call her mom listening to the phone conversation is insane. Her mom sounds like she couldn’t give a crap that she’s talking to her at all. When Catelynn asks to come home her mom just says, “Yeah kid, you can come home” and then she ends the conversation with, “I probably won’t be there when you come home…but “someone” will.” Ding! Ding! Ding! That “someone” was Butch! Thank Christ! Poor Catelynn. She had to move 1 hour away from Tyler and all her friends and sleep on the couch in the shed that Butch and Catelynn’s mom rent. She needs to work on a book deal, stat! Oh, and when in the holy hell is she getting her braces off? Enough is enough.