Teen Mom Recap: Stairs 1, Gary 0

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Farrah – Ooh la la!  Someone is finally ready to get back into the wonderful world of modeling.  I guess leopard print caftans aren’t going to sell themselves!  After boobs have been bought,  Farrah is thumbing through her “portfolio” and this is the first instance in this episode where I literally squealed with delight.  I’m pretty sure half of the photos were taken at Glamour Shots and consisted of side-eye and a hot pink feather boa and then the other half, I think, were basically mug shots.  The only thing missing was the height numbers on the wall behind Farrah and, well, she wasn’t holding that contraption with her name and prisoner number on it.  I must admit that I would buy that portfolio and use it as a coffee table book when high society company comes over.  That’s just me.  Also, our little Debil Dog should have been featured in that book as well.  Perhaps some photos sporting her leather jacket with shoulder pads and maybe, just maybe, a seductive pose with a shiny gold dipped trash claw all whilst she mouths the words “court ordered.”  Eh, one can dream.

Speaking of Debra and her joyous art of parenting, she’s taking Farrah and Sophia to the boobies doctor so he can take a lookie-loo at her knockeroos to see if all is well on her front.  I love when Debra is in the driver seat and we get to witness any form of a car ride because it only increases the chances that she’ll start slapping at Farrah in the passenger seat.  In typically Farrah fashion, she sasses out Debra for asking her if she’s “eating well” and claims that “of course she does” because she goes to culinary school.  I mean, who’s kidding who?  You’re making pizzas and your weekly assignment is making brownies with chocolate chips.  Relax, Gulch.  Focus on Toto and stop being a big C.

After a thumbs up from her perv doctor, Farrah is finally ready to get back to work!  She really thinks that her new boobs is going to help her book jobs now.  Hand jobs maybe.  I’m sure she’ll be quite the hit on Craigslist.  But, there is egg on my face (mainly because I’m eating eggs) because Farrah’s rack has booked their very first modeling job at some ghetto hair show in Denver.  And these crack boxes in Denver are actually going to fly in Farrah for this event.  See how lucky you are that you let some dude park his dinky-doo in your glove compartment without a condom just two short years ago?  You were just a scared teen with a tv show then and now you’re a glamorous model at a hair show in the lovely state of Colorado.  I’m sure this is what Madonna must feel like.

Farrah makes it out to the Denver hair show and randomly tells the guy at the airport that this was her first time ever traveling.  Really Pinocchio?  Because I’m pretty sure you’ve been to more than a few Teen Mom reunions in NYC.  Did you teleport there or take a hot hair balloon?  Don’t teach Sophia to lie!  Either way the hair show was everything I thought it would be an more.  Farrah is forced to sport a tacky blue prom dress, clear hooker high heals, and they basically just curled her hair and then just hair sprayed the F out of it on the very top of her head.  She looked like a meth head in heat.  And can you imagine the look on the faces of the people in the audience who had to witness Farrah’s trademark pissed off persona?  They’re all like, “Why is that glow worm giving us angry eyes?”  Glitter, glitter.  However, modeling isn’t all as glamorous as Farrah originally thought because she spends a lot of time sitting by herself as she claims she can’t really relate to the other “models” at the show.  Um, maybe that’s because they’re all chit-chatting backstage and you’re literally sitting on a chair in the doorway of some sort of kitchen with a b*tch look on your face?  Modeling is hard.  Sure some girl iced her by asking her if she was 5’8″ or 5’9″ and Farrah had to b*tchily respond that she was only 5’7″ and then the girl just looked away, but still, toss on a smile and stop being so miserable.  Also, get on meds.

In the end, Farrah heads back to the airport, buys a jacket for Sophia at the gift shop, and then heads home to Debra’s house of horror to explain to her how hard it is to be a mom and a model.  I’m sure that’s true when your Heidi Klum, but not sure how accurate that is when you’re modeling “curled bangs” in a prom dress.  I don’t know.  I’m not a model.  I’m not sure what’s involved.

Maci – Ok let’s just get Maci’s recap over.  I remember the days when I wouldn’t recap her scenes.  I mean, how many Avril Lavigne jokes can you make each week?  5?  278?  I’ll let you know later.  Anyorangegreasyskin, we kick things off with Bint-Lee being highly abusive to Maci’s friend Keelie.  Or was it Kiwi?  I don’t know, I’m half paying attention.  Keelie ratted out Bint-Lee right away (b*tch) and therefore Maci had to put Bint-Lee on a time out in the corner.  It lasted about 15 seconds and she laughed the whole time.  When Bint-Lee ends up knocking over a 7-11 at the age of 13 please remember this moment.  Also, was Keelie stabbed repeatedly in the arm because she has some crazy scars.  Eh, maybe she just spent some time in the state penitentiary.

Times are getting tough for Maci because apparently magazine covers aren’t paying as much as they used to and she’s having a hard time paying her bills where she currently lives.  Maybe she can sell her breast implants back to the doctor to make ends meet?  And, not for nothing, but I thought these chicks were getting at the very least $2500 an episode?  Their apartments are about $400 month so if my math is correct they could pay their rent with this money for the next 62 years.  Carry the 2, remainder 1.  She ends up calling Kyle to let him know that she is takin’ Bint-Lee and moving back home because things are two diggity-dang-dong expensive (shoot two guns in the air all whilst chewing on some hay straws).  Yee-haw!  Kyle ends up coming over to talk to Maci about this decision.  Oh, and when did Kyle turn into Simon Van Kempen with a blond fright wig and a touch of albino (for good measure)?  In order to keep Maci under his watchful eye and not have her run back home to be with Ryan (pronounced: Rhi-ne) he decides that the best thing to do is move in together.  Ah yes, when Bint-Lee is taking a Shasta McNasty in Kyle’s bed at 3 in the morning I’m sure he’ll be rethinking this “great idea.”  For those of you keeping track at home, this is basically like when Julie moved in with Ross.  Poor Rachel.

Later Maci tells her mom about the plan to have Kyle move in with her and her mom basically says that she doesn’t trust her decisions anymore since she got knocked to the up just  a few short years ago.  Oh, and since Maci is a natural ginge let’s just assume that her “ring of fire” technically was ring of fire during the birthing process.  Was this not the proper time to bring that up?  Well then when the hell is?  Later, Maci stops by the local parking lot to chat with Ryan while he sits on the hood of his truck and she informs him that she’s decided not to move home and that she’ll be living with Kyle instead.  Ugh, can you imagine their sexy times together?  With Kyle’s albino skin and Maci’s different color reds it much be like Casper going into a house fire to save his dog.  Where was I?  Oh, Ryan is pissed about this and starts spouting out random Tennessee law about not being able to live with someone without being married.  Huh?  Either way, Ryan is filled with piss and vinegar this season and I like it.  Sure he yawned, but only once.  And I’m pretty sure it was just his body’s reaction to his hat being so low on his head and it’s making him sleepy pants.

In the end I’m not the only one that thinks that Ross and Rachel need to get back together because whilst laying in Maci’s telanovela leather bed and telling Kyle about Ryan’s reaction, Kyle says that he thinks that Ryan is still madly in love with Maci.  Finally, Kyle is making some sense!  Why won’t she just give it a try.  Just for like 10 or 15 years or something.  And if after 15 years it doesn’t work out with Ryan she can get back with Kyle.  Maci, just think about it.  Also, let me know who stabbed Keelie.

Catelynn – Get ready to pack up your complete set of McDonald’s Happy Meal Beenie Babies and other useless trinkets because Catelynn and Tyler are going apartment hunting!  The places that they’re looking at are a real treat for the eye.  First off they’re definitely Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure but I wouldn’t want it any other way.  Also, the places they are looking to rent are $400 a month.  I mean, really?  My cable bill and cell phone bill equal $400 a month.  I’m moving.  After looking at a few different places Tyler is hesitant about all these places…even the place by the creepy guy who is going to charge them $100 to clean the carpets before they move in and has a love of birds.  We only know Tyler is hesitant because Catelynn informs us of this during her voice-overs.  Anyone else notice how dramatic Catelynn’s voice-overs are getting?  At one point I just said to my TV, “Catelynn, you’re yelling.”

As these two are struggling to make a decision, I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact that we may end up seeing less and less of April.  I need a second.  Ok, I’m better.  All we got to see of April this crapisode was for about 5 seconds and it included her folding socks in a room in her house that looks like it was literally hit by a tornado.  At least the sheets on the windows (for curtains) weren’t disrupted.  And then later we only get to hear April on the phone telling Catelynn that she bought her some dishes for her new place.  And, bless her heart, April was as proud as a peacock whilst telling Catelynn that these dishes also matched as well. It’s like she won the showcase showdown at the ghetto Price is Right or hit the jackpot at the local yard sale!  Good old April, friend ’til the end.

Meanwhile Tyler’s moms eyes are bugging out more than normal over the fact that Tyler is going to be moving out and still can’t grow facial hair.  This week we have a special guest star, which is Butch’s other kid Amber!  I kinda wish that MTV would add a fake audience applause track when the characters enter the scene like on Happy Days.  I mean, I was applauding when Amber showed up but I want to clap with others as well.  Whilst at the house Amber tires to give Tyler and Catelynn words of wisdom and telling Tyler not to move out yet because he needs to finish school first and get a job and blah.  I was more interested in seeing Amber’s daughter and trying to figure out how the hell old Amber was.  I mean, her daughter looked like she was 12 and Amber looks like she’s 19.  And I won’t say that the little girl looked a whole lot like Butch but, well, I’m going to say it.  The little girl looks a whole lot like Butch.  She was just missing the rat tail.  Oh and Spoiler Alert:  Butch is out of the slammer and back on Teen Mom next week!  Set and respect your DVR.

Even though Amber and Kim tried to talk them out of moving out, Catelynn and Tyler did end up getting an apartment and I’m pretty sure Cate is the one paying for it.  Tyler, meanwhile, looks like he’s about to projectile vomit and have explosive diarrhea all at the same time right there in their very own apartment.  I hope there’s an extra bedroom for Butch!  When moving day comes around Tyler and Catelynn will be doing all the moving themselves, but that’s pretty much just because they’re taking their beds.  They’re literally dragging their disgusting mattresses all through the house (some with the sheets still on them) and end up tossing it up on the mini van and head on out, but not before Kim let’s Tyler know that if she finds out he’s not going to school she’s going to go after him.  I have to admit, Kim rules.  She’s smart enough to say “let’s agree to disagree” and she let’s him move in with Catelynn.  I used to think I wanted Kim to get one of those makeovers that they do on Friday’s on The Today Show, but now I don’t.  I just want Kim to stay just how she is.  Me gusta Kim.  I’m also happy that Catelynn is in her own place because I think after 17 or 18 years she’s finally in a healthy environment.  Was that mature of me to say?  However, that doesn’t mean that a camera doesn’t have to be on April at her home 24/7.  I miss April already.

Amber – Jesus everyone is looking to move in this crapisode, even Roseanne and Dan.   Hopefully they’re not moving out of Landford and just moving within Landford.  Either way, right off the bat we learn something very interesting about Gary.  You see, apparently Gary pays the bills by working in “home heath care.”  I’m sorry, what?  “Gary” and “health” are not two words I’ve ever heard used in the same sentence before.  What the hell could he possibly be doing?  Anyhighcholesterol, Amber and Gary got themselves a house to rent.  Yee haw!  I don’t understand anything about this house at all.  All I know is that it is chock full of dark wood and dark wood paneling all over the place.  It’s basically like they’re moving into Mr Brady’s home office.

Before they move, however, we get back to our roots with Amber laying in bed, talking on her phone, and watching Leah play by herself.  This time around Leah is standing up on her makeup mirror chair and Amber yells at her and kinda just (in slow motion) grabs her by the neck to pull her off the chair and she kinda ends up falling off of it and just starts screaming and crying and rolling all over the ground.  This, my friends, is typically what I do when Teen Mom starts each week.  Leah stole my moves.  Anyjunkee, once they move into their all wooden house, within minutes the best thing that my eyes have ever seen in my whole entire life happens.  I can only describe it in song and that song will be represented by Paula Abdul and Mc Skat Cat (ahem):  “Gary breaks two steps forward, he breaks two steps back.  He breaks all the steps ‘cuz Gary’s ass is fat.”  Fine he didn’t break all those steps, but as he was walking down to the secret basement, he literally breaks one of the steps.  He goes through it.  Amber (and America) squeals with delight and tells him to go on a diet again, but Gary is sticking to his claims that this only happened because it was “pressed wood.”  Uh yeah, and earthquakes happen because God sneezed.  I think Gar Bear should take Amber up on her offer to start up a diet.  I’d like to see Gary’s endless AERO shirts turn into ZERO shirts.  Hey-oh!

Later Gary, Amber, and Leah are all heading on the open road to meet up with Amber’s brother at some ghetto water park resort of the weekend.  Road trips, historically, never really go that well for Amber and Gary and this time is no different.  They fight the entire time, mainly because Amber swears like a truck driver in front of Leah (who just happens to be sexy-dancing in her car seat).  After Gary tries to psycho analyze Amber’s relationship with her father growing up, Amber continues to scream at Gary and then tell him that “she’s done.”  Well at least they gave their new relationship a whole 5 day trial.  In typical Gary fashion, he tells Amber that if she keeps swearing in front of Leah then he’s going to take Leah from her.  Can you do that?  For swearing?  After Gary, literally, does some rap (bloop bam dloop) in Amber’s face he tells her that he’ll pull over and she can walk home.  More like she can “sexy-dance” her way up the highway.

Once they get to the water park “resort” Amber gets out of the car and then uses a pay phone to call someone to “get a plane back to Indiana.”  I’m sorry, you’re making “rent a plane” money?  What the hell am I doing wrong?!  Gary randomly blurts out to Amber that she’s beautiful and she’s a really good mother.  Even Amber seems confused by this.  What does Gary see that we don’t?  Perhaps he’s legally blind.  This would explain why he’s wearing the same t-shirt all the time.

In the end, they end up “enjoying” one day together at the water park.  I’m actually trying to spoon out my eyes for the remainder of this as Gary is shirtless and going down a water slide and, well, this is more than my eyes and brain can process.  That place must smell like chlorine and lack of ambition.  At one point a giant waterfall just dumps down on Leah and I assumed it killed her, but if Amber and Gary haven’t yet then a little waterfall isn’t enough to take down Leah.  She’s a fighter.  Amber ends up talking to her brother about Gary and he spends the time by trying to teach Amber how not to swear on the regular.  Apparently, however, they both think it’s ok to call people “retarded.”  They call Gary “retarded” but then kinda look at the camera realizing what they said and then back off a little by saying, “well only sometimes.”  Good save you uneducated trash boxes!

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