Well good day my good people of IBBB. As many of you know (those who follow me on Facebook and Twitter) I have been battling what I can only assume is a giant dose of karma with a slam punch of bronchitis, sinus infection, 102 fever, and possible pneumonia. I, of course, blame Amber and Leah. Regardless, I’m not feeling overly in a “haha” mood but am pulling myself together to take a trash-claw stab at recapping the final crapisode of Teen Mom. I figure I’m on enough medication to silence the Tasmanian Devil (i.e., Milania) so this will either go over funny because I’m drugged out and haven’t eaten in 5 days or really mean. Either way….ole!
Farrah – I’ll miss you most of all, Ms. Gulch. Farrah kicks the piss out of things right off the bat by saying, “Shut the hell up, Michael!” when he simply says “Hi Farrah!” For those of you reading this where English (or Ingrish) is not your native language, “Shut the hell up” is slang for “Good morning, friend. Tis nice weather we’re having!” I really think people should bring back ’tis. ImBringingTisBack.com. Our brace face glow worm is all bent out of shape because it’s Baby Goop’s 2nd birthday and she doesn’t want to ruin the surprise she’s bringing in which I’m pretty sure is a pink high-heel pinata without candy in it. Kids love that. Also, is it just me or has their house been decorated for Christmas all season? I feel like I’ve seen that randomly large toy solider hiding behind the front door in almost every episode. Eh, makes sense in Whoville, I guess.
Farrah basically bought a stale cookie cake from Mrs Fields in the food court of the Trash Claw Pine Mall and then is trying to write something on it. It looks like Michael went to town on it..if ya know what I mean…and I think ya do. Debra, without batting an eye is waiting in the wings to give little digs at the way Farrah is trying to decorate the cake. I mean, she only has her associates degree in (insert robot voice) Culinary Arts Management. Beep. Bop. Beep. She shouldn’t even get to “cake writing” classes until she captures her dreamy bachelors degree and then LOOK OUT San Jose!
Sophia’s birthday party is the saddest party ever. No one is there. I’m shocked none of Farrah’s endless friends aren’t there. I suspect Debra murdered them all in cold blood over the years for spilling soda on the carpet and smiling too much. During “the party” the gang decides to recap for us what it was like when Farrah gave birth to Sophia. Of course she’s being a b*tch about it and saying everyone knows it hurts but they left out the part (from her 16 & Pregnant episode) where she was apologizing to the nurses for having to look at her vagina. That literally popped into my head and I was like, “She was nuts all the way back then.” Well not nuts, technically. Mainly vag. Debra throws Michael under the bus for not even being there and he sasses her right back. For some inexplicable reason Debra and Sophia start screaming, followed by Farrah doing her ugly cry (+3 points) and then Debra gives us her best cry yet. It was that “high pitched talk cry.” You know the one. It started to almost turn into an opera, but settled around the level of where my overweight nun in first grade would start singing. Debra was just missing the pitch pipe. Toot!
Am I still conscious? How many days have I lost? I have a blog? Oh, hi. Anymeds, because this whole story-line is bat sh*t crazy, Farrah is bringing Sophia to some random empty bar to see some random friend that she hasn’t seen in years because…wait for it…she wants to ask her what she thinks of basically letting Debra buy Sophia from her. (You want to buy my baby?) She should see if Baby Goop can just work at that bar (and live there, under the stairs) while Farrahs is learning to cut carrots in glamorous “Lauderdale.”
It’s time for Sophia to learn if she’s being given up for adoption via her Magnadoodle! Hooray! Farrah is listing out to Sophia her pros and cons for leaving her behind. I’m sorry so this actually isn’t a joke? I honestly am horrified. Farrah thinks she can’t afford proper daycare for Sophia but she had money for boobs and braces? Seriously, you make decent money from Teen Mom and your magazine covers. 2 covers alone would pay off daycare for the year. Horrific. Horrific: meaning: Actions a whore might take whilst in a worm-like state.
In the end, Farrah ends up telling Debra that she can keep Baby Goop for 2 years because she’s Audi 5000 (I think they still say that in Lauderdale). So that means that there’s only one thing left to do. And that is, of course, to take Sophia on one last “Daddy Death Tour” so she can “see” all the places that her mommy and deaddy (typo, but I’m clearly keeping it) spent time together and knocked robotic bodies together. Can you even picture it? “Shut the hell up and put it in. Are you done? Good take it out.” I actually feel bad for Farrah because I think she’s clinically depressed and I hope she gets on the meds because I’m sure it will balance her out and she won’t be so angry about everything. One day our little glow worm will turn into a beautiful butterfly because that, my friends, is what I imagine glow worms to do.
Amber – There’s an ice storm in east bum and that means the courts are closed down so we have to wait an extra day to find out if the no contact order is being removed when everything melts away. They should just have Gary’s sex-pot of a MILF lay down on the open road spread eagle because she is likely instantly melt the ice. I’m not sure why they couldn’t just hold court at Gary’s ski chalet. He could serve the judge that cheap ass Swiss Miss that tastes like hot coke. Gary, clearly, wasted his best Affliction shirt on a non-court day. I’m sure he’ll be Febreezing the pits in the morning and slapping it back on. Meanwhile Amber has some random friend that we’ve never seen before come over and start asking her questions relating to if she thinks Leah will learn her abusive behavior. She was just missing the z-snap. Besides, do you even need to ask that when we’ve already seen Leah’s mean left hook? Amber has said that through therapy she now realizes that she can’t “bitchslap people 24/7” anymore. Well of course you can’t! I mean, with eating and sleeping you can probably only bitchslap for 14 hours max! Also, why does Amber think it looks good that she has birds sitting on her eyelashes? Plus, she should have been sitting there with her stomach out so we could see the tattoo. Come on, it’s the last show! I’m left feeling disappointed and unattended.
Speaking of random friends, Gary’s “friend” is over again to chat with him about all things that are bothering Gar Bear. Gary, who’s dressed like the apple in the Fruit of the Loom commercials is literally jammed into his puffy leather recliner. He also looks different and that’s when I realized he shaved his beard but, sadly, he is now missing any differentiation between his neck and chin. He needs an equator. Anychins, his “friend” tells Gary that to get Amber back he should…dear Jesus…he should…is it the meds I’m on…he should write her a song (puke) and sing it for her (Shasta on my living room floor). I’m sorry is this White Trash Justin Bobby for real? I actually kinda hope so because hearing Gary sing will soothe my soul and simmer my fever.
It’s finally the actual court date. Oooh la la, jeans for court? Everyone is overly fancy for this occasion and you can tell they’re taking it serious. Bleach stain wash outs totally depict, “We won’t hit.” It’s like they think they’re going to the Presidential Inauguration. The long and short of it is (and I never know what that term means) is that the no contact order has been “revised” and what that means is that Gary and Amber can go on dates, but can’t be together in front of Leah. Makes sense. Great, this is likely to lead to Leah getting a key to the chalet and having to babysit herself and cook Playdoh hotdogs for her dinner. Also, what the hell language does Amber’s mom speak? All I hear is dueling banjos every time she opens her mouth. It makes me want to hoe-down right here in my death bed.
Later, Gar is almost ready to win Amber back and we get to witness it by watching him sing (with a miraculously sprouting beard) with his guitar…to The Grinch who is laying on the puffy leather couch. Now I’m presently sick, but I was really seeing that right? Imagine if none of that really happened? Oh God I could be in hell right now and I don’t even know it?! Anyway, if this did happen I’d like to comment on the fact that Gary’s beard looks like a chin strap. Like, he’s in the school band. Meanwhile, over at Amber’s House of Lashes and Clown Makeup, Leah has painted a proper Hitler mustache on her face with Amber’s “expensive” makeup (from Big Lots). Amber starts yelling at her for taking her makeup and Leah looks at her like, “B*tch, you lay one hand on me and I’ll ice-skate right down to the court house and tell them what you did.” This “tense moment” was interrupted by Gary calling Amber and…wait for it…sing his song to her that he wrote whilst on speaker phone. Amber looks visibly embarrassed and I have swallowed all of my pills and yelled out, “I’m comin’ for you Ambuuuuh!” Also, I have no clue why Gary is singing with a legit British accent. He’s like the opposite Madonna from song to speech. He’s like the WT version of Milli Vanilli which, in his case, he’d be “Hillbilly Where’s My Willie.”
In the end, Amber and Gary fight it out over the phone just like old times because Gary is “a man alone with his song” and wants Amber back but she thinks it’s not the best idea right now and that someone needs to be the adult. I agree. I also agree that someone should be Leah. Because I’m pretty sure that “adults” know that bedazzling your fake nails with diamonds is not overly adult-like. Also, take a sandblaster to that face. Oh, and the best part for me was when Amber called Gary back after he hung up on her and we see that Gary has, not only, programmed Amber in his phone as “Plain Old Amber” but her picture is of her…in lingerie…on the puffy leather/suede combo couch. Thank you Jesus you are free to take me now! I wish these two the best. See you in the obituaries!
Catelynn – I love how every time they show a quick clip of Butch he’s always just aimlessly crossing the street, carrying a plastic shopping bag, and just looking around. Brilliant. Butch calls up Tyler to ask if he can live with him for, you know, 3 months or so. Tyler and Catelynn end up coming up with this list of “rules” that looks like it was written by a 4 year old learning to write for the first time. It has real gems on it like “no drugs” and “nothing illegal” in the house at all. Yeah you definitely don’t want iCarly to have to live like that. Oh, wait. Butch is also going to have to “respect their house like it was his own.” Now that just sends a mixed message because do they want him to turn it into a crack-sex-den or not? I mean, be specific in your demands kids.
Later Butch comes on over to Tyler and Cate’s house wearing chili-pepper pajamas, a rat tail, and a dream. I just love when Butch is around. Everything just seems…better. When it’s time to read him their list of rules he puts on his glasses and says, “let me get my sexy specs.” And I squeal with delight. Moreover I’m laughing because I think the real joke is that Butch is pretending he can read. I was waiting for him to look over the rules list and then just say, “Yeah, milk & eggs, I get it.” However, Butch agrees to the rules being read to him and Catelynn rewards him by placing her large white flower (not meant as a sex joke) on his ear. It looks better on him anyway.
It also wouldn’t be a great Butch episode if he wasn’t doing something that would gross me out. Insert the scene where he’s pouring hot sauce into what I can only assume is a can of Red Bull. It’ll give you wings alright. Wings outta your arse! A typical fight breaks out because Butch wants to know what iCarly is going to call him at graduation. One person replies “Butch,” one person replies “Darl” and nobody replied with “Snarlin’ Darlin.'” These tots are so rude. Also WTF is everyone talking about?! They’re legit arguing over iCarly and I find myself trying to yell, “Move on! You. Gave. Your. Baby. Up. For. Adoption!” Seriously, iCarly should get a sex-change and move to Tajikistan and become a professional puppeteer or something. Seriously, run. More importantly, what’s up with Cate’s nails? Or all their nails for that matter? They all look like thick fake Barbie nails that 4 yr olds use to play whore dress up with. All terrible. And Maci’s always look like they’re about to twist off.
Later, Cate and Tyler end up talking about maybe “uninviting” iCarly to their graduation because of Butch and April. Uh, save your paper because she wasn’t going anyway!! Teresa and Brandon are freaked the F out. Trust me, they’re watching this too! They’re all upset because they thought iCarly would be clapping for them as they walked across the ghetto stage. Yeah, more like looking at the crowd and then self-injecting herself with multiple tetanus shots. I’m sure even if they mail that letter to Brandon and Teresa they’ll never receive it as they are half way to Mars right now, taking their chances on life off of this planet. I don’t blame them.
In the end, we all receive the horrible news after Butch never came home last night. Apparently he was arrested and sent back to prison. We find out when April comes busting through the door saying “knock knock” to which little Nick keeps yelling back “who’s there? who’s there?” Of course for them the answer is always, “the police!” followed by all the adults in the house rushing to the bathroom to immediately flush their drugs. Anyway, April just gets in Tyler’s face and says, “Your dad went to prison, dude.” Awesome. Then Tyler says, “was he dropping dirty?” I’m sorry what, Ice Ice Baby? What in the holy hell is “dropping dirty?” At first I assumed it meant he was caught taking a Shasta McNasty in the middle of a busy intersection…so then I had to Google it. Apparently, I’m old. Also, it evidently means that he “failed a drug test.” Eh, I like my definition way better. April is ripped to shreds and I actually feel bad. I mean not really, but a little. Poor April can’t catch a break. Little nick starts crying and that’s when I finally realized that he’s the more “Hee-Haw” version of Bint-Lee. I mean, he’ll also be arrested by the time he’s 7. They leave us all on a devastating note with everyone crying. Well that sucks. Although I’m pretty sure I did see April holding a beer (!!!) so there’s hope for us next season hopefully!
Maci – Maci, you make my medication stop working. Get a clue, bricks.
Well folks that concludes another season of Teen Mom! Thanks for sticking with me all this time. Continue to spread the word, visit me again, and help me to sell out.