Well, well, well. Look what the placenta eating cat dragged in. Teen Mom is back! And according to the 2,032 commercials that MTV has been showing this is the most dramatic year yet. I hope that’s code for “We found Amber’s rope.” I don’t care. I said it. You think you’re going to come here for the next 8 weeks and think I’m going to tip-toe around Ambjikistan going bananas? That’s like me never mentioning Gary’s MILF of a mom or Debra’s gold-plated trash claw. So before we get into it, be sure to click the Facebook “recommend” button that I’ve scattered all the F over this place. And whilst you’re at it, click here to join me on my Facebook page where people talk about Teen Mom like I’m one of the “baby daddies.” Spoiler Alert: I am.
Amber – I decided to kick things off with Amber because I’m an American and I support trash heaps. It was wondrous that Amber gave us a nice little recap of her past two years in a brilliant pissed off voice-over all whilst MTV showed the scene of Amber pushing Gary’s TV down the stairs. Sure they edited out the TV, but we all knew it was there. We knew. We’re pros at this by now. We also learn that Leah has become awarded to the state and is living with Gary since people vandalized Amber’s house by spray-painting “Bad Mom” all over it. I think people should have sprayed “Charlotte Russe” all over it for reasons that are known to Amber. In all dishonesty, Amby-pants seems like she’s doing really well with her 2 years probation, including her future stint in rehab for “angry time” and “substance issues.” Here’s the deal. Everyone keeps making it seem like her “substance issues” is because she’s taking St. Joseph’s chewables. But we all know it’s because she’s on enough pills to stop a charging rhino (aka Gary in heat).
Since we seemed to have picked up right where we left off last year, Amber is sitting on her two-toned couch for “the poors” and waits for her cousin to show up so she actually has someone to talk to that the court will allow her see. Surprise! Krystal-Meth is pregnant again and says to Amber she isn’t sure what she is going to do with a second baby. In an instance like this I think her obvious options are: Give it to Amber so she can shake it or Gut it and use it as a drug mule to Mexico (ole!) or Put a brown wig on it and pass if off to Debra as “baby goo.” Clearly the options are endless. Krystal-Meth seems really intrigued by what Amber means when she says she has to go to “the ‘hab” for substance abuse. Amber just keeps saying, “Like mental/substance..like I’m bi-polar.” Since Amber is a female Pinocchio we know she’s lying since her eyelashes keep growing with every additional sentence that comes out of her mouth/facia bruta. Speaking “da facia” her face is looking amazing. Clean, young, carefree. Those are words that come to mind when I see her meth-marks scattered to and fro, especially fro. However, I’ll go easy on Amby-pants since she’s off to rehab in a couple of weeks. Oh, she’s going to Promises Rehab in Malibu? Oh, sounds tough. I’m pretty sure that’s the same place they shipped Lindsay Lohan off to in order to scrub the freckles off her arms, but I could be wrong. Either way, Lohan is doing swimmingly these days so clearly Promises is the way to go. I honestly envision when Amber heads to California being like the opening credits of the Beverly Hillbillies.
Meanwhile, back at the ski chalet Gary’s MILF (Carol) is coming over and is bringing her obesity and giant styrofoam container of soda. I’m sure it’s either orange or grape flavored. She might as well just spit her teeth out now because waiting another year is just pointless. Plus I want to see it on camera. It looks like Carol may have colored her hair this season, but she’s still committing to her prison-glasses and old lady polyester shirts, just like the nuns I grew up with sported. To sum up, she is a dream come true. Both Gary and Carol (stunning names) are in agreement that whilst Leah does need to see Amber, she seems to be adjusting well already. Totally. I’m sure the fact that a camera crew and the cops are around her 24/7 makes for a smooth transition. As soon as this series ends my money is on Leah huffing computer cleaner and double-fisting two 2-liter bottles of Tab. I know it, you know it, and the state (?) of Indiana knows it. That still is a real place, right? I wasn’t sure if we traded it for the Statue of Liberty. I’m kidding. Obviously Lewis and Clark sold it to the Mayflower for maize and Pilgrim aprons. Duh.
Later Amber is chilling with Krystal-Meth and her fetus in bed and decides to call up Promises to ask just a few cute questions. First off she wants to know if she can bring her suitcase of meds with her and if they’ll allow her to take them. But more importantly she wants to know if she can possibly have her own room in rehab because she has anger issues and doesn’t want to fight anyone. I say Bravo to Amber because obviously she’s been studying Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and knows that punches are typically thrown on the regular. She could have also asked if she can bring her Easy-Bake Oven for all I know because I zoned out looking at Amber’s Michael Jackson hands that appear to have a metal ball in them and the remains of a poorly applied spray tan. To paint a better picture for you, it looked like Lohan’s wrists in 2009. You know what I’m talking about. She finishes her scene with good old Cuz by screaming that she doesn’t know why she has to do any of this…followed up with stating she doesn’t know how much longer she can remain sane. I’d say as long as Gary remained at his birth weight. You do the math.
In the end, MILFy-Claus is watching Leah so Amber can go visit Gary and not go to “gel” immediately. The second Gary opens the door, Amber wants to know where her glass of wine is. She’s making progress, clearly, because the old Amber would have first sucker-punched him in the face and then demanded her wine. By the way, I love how inserting the wine into this scene suddenly made this into the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. So sophisticated. You can image my shock when I saw an actual bottle of wine on the counter as opposed to a box. Clearly I was disappointed. Also, how the hell old am I that Amber is now at the legal drinking age? Wasn’t I 52 yrs old when Amber was on 16 & Pregnant and eating Taco Bell in Labor & Delivery? Time sure flies when white trash has money. At least that’s how I think the saying goes. Anychins, as soon as Gar-Bear pours the glass of wine, Amber brushes Gary out of the kitchen so she can literally chug the glass. And I’m talking chug. Chug like Carol with a box of Gummy Worms for breakfast (allegedly). She then stumbles out to the crickety wooden bench swing in the backyard and then she and Gary get into a fight over the fact that Amber is drinking and really needs the ‘hab. She should have dipped her chin in the glass to dry that thing up, but this recap isn’t about skincare tips. It’s about making fun of people less fortunate than us so that we feel better about ourselves. If that wasn’t clear when you started reading, hopefully it is now. Amber ends her loud “conversation” with Gary by saying that people wonder why she punched him in his face because now he knows. Really? I thought the only time it was ok to punch your partner in the face was when dinner was late and/or burnt. Has there been a change to that rule? Either way, Amber continues to chug her wine and stating over and over again that she’s a bad person. Honestly, I think she’s totally off-base with that. She’s a bad mom not person. As a person she’s sub-par but as a mom she’s pretty awful. And it’s not really me saying that…I read it off the side of her house at the beginning of the episode. Oh, and come back to this here crap blog tomorrow for a recap of the second episode that MTV sprang on us at 11pm last night when I was just about ready to go to bed and dream of “sexy-dancing” Amber’s.
Farrah – Thank God Farrah and Debra are back to doing their baby talk to each other in all their scenes together because I was really starting to miss it. Debra is still under the impression that “baby goop” is shacking up with her whilst Farrah goes on 1987 Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale. Apparently this was filmed before the reunion last year because had Debra known prior to filming we would have been watching Farrah and Debra converse through a plexi-glass window and Debra sporting an orange jumper with 7 numbers on her chest. Therefore, Debra is surprising Farrah by showing her her childhood room all decorated and set up for Sophia. Honestly, it looks the same except there are some toys on the floor. Plus, I’m pretty sure Sophia would need to go to sleep with a parachute on if she slept in the bed, which is about 15 feet higher than the ground. Baby-friendly, for sure. Farrah is still being wicked creepy and chatting with Sophia all about her dead-daddy and letting her know all the places that he would hide in her room when Michael would come to the door. I was waiting for Farrah to tell her, “And this is the spot where daddy put it in me and we made you!” She would, of course, not say it in a baby-voice because she saves that kind of talk for Debra and her trash claw. I miss that thing, by the way. Moment of silence. Cool, I’m back.
Later, Farrah heads off to therapy and is sure to bring those pretty braces with her since they really make her worm-like head pop! I find myself always humming “Glow little Glow Worm, glitter glitter” every time I see Farrah. Dina, her therapist, still seems as pissed off and judgmental as ever. I’m almost certain she hates Debra and wants to choke her with her very own trash claw. Farrah tells Dina that she’s made the decision to actually bring Sophia with her on spring break instead of giving her to Debra and Michael for the next two years. I guess Farrah finally realized she’s on television and all of “The America” was giving her the side-eye for all of 2011. Dina wants to know what Farrah thinks about how Debra will react to this news. Obviously the answer to this is, “She’s going to stab me a ton with her butcher knives.” Actually I feel like Michael must take a majority of the abuse. He looks like he’s given up on his will to live and just goes to work, goes home, gets yelled at, goes to sleep, and repeats the horrid cycle all over again. Also, what the hell happened with their divorce? Weren’t they supposed to be getting one or am I making that up? I always wondered who would get custody of that “fly” 1990 cherry red BMW. However, the most important piece of the therapy scene was Farrah giving us her trademark ugly-cry. I’m not even kidding, I hope this chick is on meds. And I don’t mean that in a mean way (sort of) but she legit cries in almost every scene that she’s in. That can’t be normal. Although, I’m clearly not the person to be judging normalcy.
Farrah’s scenes were pretty short (Amber dominated) and so after a quick lunch with her sister (and her new long hair and jacked up teeth) it’s time to spring the news on Michael and Debra that she’s taking baby goop with her. It went better than expected, although Farrah does it in her usual monotone way by stating, “I’ve decided to take Sophia with me because I’m her mom and that’s what I decided.” So loving. I think it was taking all the willpower Debra could muster up not to immediately start Googling “chloroform” and doing stretches and lunges. You know how that would end. Both she and Michael think that Sophia would be better of with them since they see her every day, but in the end they support Farrah in her decision. Hahaha. Right. As soon as the camera crew left you totally know their house turned into a classic episode of Tom & Jerry and 2 out of three of them were sporting a raw steak on their eye for the remainder of the night.
Catelynn – Everyone’s favorite childless mother is back! I applaud Cate for being on a show called Teen Mom without actually having her baby. Come to think of it, Amber is in the same boat. Come to think of it, if Farrah left Sophia with Debra and Michael, she’d be in the same boat. So basically the takeaway message for all the young teen moms out there would be, “Have your baby…give it away by the time they’re 2…move on.” Either way, we kick things off with a visit to Dawn the adoption lady who clearly got a nice blowout for her scene this season. Apparently it’s iCarly’s 2nd birthday and Cate and Ty (I call them that) are there to drop off a bunch of gifts that Brandon and Teresa are likely to pick up with two fingers and quickly run them to the dumpster, followed by soaking their hands in Purell and rolling their eyes for 15 straight minutes all while screaming to iCarly, “Don’t touch anything yet!” Dawn has a surprise for Cate and Ty, which is that Brandon and Teresa want to give Carly back to them for good. Oh wait. Never mind. They just want them to all hang out in NYC for a few days just after iCarly’s birthday and before their graduation. Cate and Ty are so psyched by this as I’m sure they’ll spend all their time in the middle of Times Square getting caricatures done of them, eating at Red Lobster, and saying that got the full New York City experience. I think it’s rude that they wouldn’t alert me when they were in NYC so I could stalk them from a distance and update my Facebook page with what kind of bow Catelynn has in her hair and if she’s still sporting her retainer. Spoiler Alert: Black and “always.” It’s like, take that thing out of your mouth while you’re filming your scenes, damn it. Also, don’t be afraid of a little Crest Whitestrips to kick those yellows up a notch.
The major disappointment in this first episode is that Butch is nowhere to be found (jail) and we only get to hear April’s voice for 2 minutes whilst she talks to Cate over the phone. I love how April seemed like she couldn’t care less that they were going to NYC to see Brandon and Teresa. I pictured April opening up a can of Coors and looking at her forehead in the mirror all whilst she chatted with Catelynn and her whore-red lipstick on the phone. Speaking of phone calls, since it’s iCarly’s birthday they are scheduled to call Brandon and Teresa at noon. You totally know that as soon as the call takes place they’re changing their number. The call is as awkward as one can expect and you can hear it in Teresa’s voice that she thinks she can “catch poverty” over the phone. I looked it up on Wikipedia and, guess what, you actually can. Who knew? They get to hear iCarly say a few words and then Teresa hurries them off the phone so she can go swim in the pool of bleach that I’m sure she set up in her kitchen for calls like this.
In the end, Tyler and Cate (I switched it up) bought a birthday cake for iCarly and they’re having it on their living room floor. Cleanly. They each make a wish for iCarly that both consist of her knowing that the only reason they gave her up was so she could have a better life…and, I’m sure, so they could ensure their involvement in the Teen Mom series and not have to change diapers. At least those are the reasons why I assume most give their kids up for “the adoption.” As much as I’m sure iCarly will one day be old enough to be thankful for the adoption I kinda have a little feeling that she’s going to be pissed that she doesn’t have April and Butch in her life. I will know exactly how she feels. It’s the same way I feel every week when they don’t make it into the crapisode. It gives me the sads.
Maci – I’m always over it by the time I need to write about Maci. Luckily in episode 1, MTV only gave her about 8 minutes of scenes and they all have to do with getting Bint-Lee ready for daycare. Maci thinks the best way to get him ready for this is to throw him in a public pool (gross) and see how he does. Luckily Kyle (K-eye) is there to help him swim. It was at that moment where I realized that Kyle in the pool was exactly like the polar bear in the Central Park zoo. Same/same. If you can image, Kyle is whiter than the polar bear and with 1/10th the personality. Sometimes I feel bad teeing off on Kyle because he actually is a decent guy for taking care of Bint-Lee and dealing with Maci’s ever changing hair colors. However, since I’m a scuz-bag I’ll keep with the making fun. Is it just me or has Maci’s accent gotten worse this season? And what the hell was she saying over and over again about Bint-Lee in the pool? “K-eye, he needs to do it by his-self.” His-self? Is that a thing? The good news is that Bint-Lee constantly loses his sh*t in the pool and when Kyle or Maci isn’t holding him.
Later, Maci tells Bint-Lee that he has to go to daycare because “he is mean.” Oh that’s nice. Oddly enough isn’t that they same reason why Amber is going to rehab? Wait, is rehab the same as daycare? I’ve never been to either but hope to make it to both before my life is over. I’ll add it to my Baby Jessica in a Bucket List. That reminds me, shimmy down a well. After Bint-Lee bites Kyle and everyone talks about daycare for 60 minutes, it’s finally time to bring him there. Good. I’m over these three. The break-up scene better be coming soon. I have to admit, Maci is stressing me the F out about daycare. Now I’m all nervous about it! I think Bint-Lee is going to go into cardiac arrest when they drop him off. After much deliberation, both Kyle and Maci bring him to daycare, but Kyle is the one who drops him off. Bint-Lee does just fine during the drop off, as I know you were all concerned. Sure I’m sure he sh*t his pants minutes after the camera crew left, but then again, who doesn’t? I don’t judge. I’m kidding. I do. And you’re gross.
Don’t forget to come back here tomorrow for the recap of episode two! And join me on my Facebook page by clicking here. Oh, and spread the word of this crapbag blog. Ole!
Teen Mom Episode Rating: 1 Yawning Ryan, 1 Crying Farrah, 1 Confused Leah, and 1 Butch (just because)