Pull off your braces, crack open some Twisted Tea, and start your very own “sexy-dancing” because it’s the last episode of Teen Mom for the season. It’s funny because I didn’t think it would impact me the way that is has and I never thought I’d feel this way, but as far as I’m concerned I’m glad I got the chance to hear April say, that I do believe I love you and if April and Butch should ever go away, well then close your eyes and try to feel the way you do today. And then if you can remember; keep smokin’, keep swearin’, knowing you can always count on meth, oh for sure, that’s what Butch and April are for!
Here’s what went down on the season finale of Ye Old Teenage Mother:
- Amber – It’s been a solid one week so it only makes sense that Amber invites over her new boyfriend, Chris to meet Leah. I mean, hell, MTV even changed his title to Amber’s “boyfriend” when she’s talking to him on the phone so it must be official. That’s like changing your Facebook relationship status for the “rich” and “famous.” I’m surprised Amber is just inviting him over to meet Leah. Geesh. Make the diddler work for it, you know? Gary, on the other hand, is making sure to make my stomach turn one last time as he’s at the batting cage with a Lego helmet that looks like it’s about to pop off his head all whilst his nasty ass crack is shown with every swing of the bat he takes. Although it looks more like he’s swinging a golf club than a bat, but I digress. I just want to move on from this scene as fast as I can and start pouring bleach into my eyes. Meanwhile, Chris heads over to meet Leah and I’m screaming “Run, Leah, ruuuuun!” as he walks up the apartment stairs. By law, doesn’t he need to introduce himself to everyone in Amber’s apartment? Court ordered? This dude is totally creeptastic. He basically has a puppy for Leah to pet and some candy that he just happened to leave in his beat up van that’s parked up the street and she should just walk with him to the van for one quick second because he’s lost…and he needs help finding the way…and if she tells her parents he’ll kill them. Whoa. Child Safety flashback overload. Moving on. Amber’s house is still a complete filthy mess and there are giant sized Dr. Pepper cups left, literally, all over the place (remnants of hurricane Gary). Since Amber has a track record of making award winning good decisions she lets Diddles McGee move in with her an Leah (run) since he’s fresh out of jail and doesn’t have a job anymore. Better yet, she lets him borrow her car or the “Diddler Mobile” as the police department will eventually refer to it as. The “next day” Leah is over at Gary’s mom’s house where she is playing on the front lawn all with an old-fashioned Pepsi vending machine placed smack-dab on the lawn. Makes sense. Gary is on the phone with Amber and questioning her as to why Leah is in dirty clothes and has scrapes and bruises all over her legs. Um, I’ll guess because Amber’s new boyfriend has a criminal record and may or may not be a sex offender (allegedly, maybe not who knows)? I know math isn’t Gary strong suit…or healthy eating habits…or grooming…or anything that isn’t white-plaid shorts…or having employable skills…or being able to say “no thank you, I’m full”…or exercise, but let’s add 2 + 2 so solve this, shall we? After Gary fights with Chris over the phone, Amber surprise attacks Gary at his house and so he goes as fast as his legs will take him,which is slightly slower than a dog with 3 legs and tourettes, and jumps into his car and drives away. At first I was thinking this was going to be a sweet Tom & Jerry game of chase, but unfortunately Amber doesn’t have much left in her meth binge so she decides to head home to Chris. Seriously, why does Chris act like he’s known her for years when he tries to comfort her? It’s like, dude you’ve been in the slammer and we’ve been watching this for 2 seasons so, no, she isn’t the greatest mom in the world. Gary heads over to his friends house to do his own venting about the situation and he tells his friend, “I miss who she was. I don’t miss who she is now.” Whoa, deep! I wonder if he misses how his white-plaid shorts used to fit too? In the end, Gary finally heads over to Amber’s Meth Den to discuss Leah’s schedule and we learn that Gary doesn’t want her boyfriend to change Leah’s diaper. Um, ya think? See, even Gar knows what the deal is. Amber ends up freaking out on Gary, per usual, and flips the hat off his head in anger. I think there’s gonna be a rumble in the jungle (16 & Pregnant foreshadowing, folks). Gary immediately gets up to leave the apartment and kind of slams Amber with the door a few times like we’re watching the WWF. I thought Amber was supposed to slap Gary in the face again? Did this not happen? Did MTV remove the slap, because I did see it over and over in the commercials all weekend. Weak. Amber is now uncontrollably crying (meth withdrawals probably) and Gary ends up coming back over to finish the schedule planning. With Amber crying and crying Leah just looks at her and, literally, says “Quiet. Now!” Amen! How Leah is the smartest person in that room right now is beyond me. Amber and Gary kind of call a truce and we end their segment with some crazy slow motion video of Gary playing the guitar. I mean, awesome. I wouldn’t want it to end any other way.
- Farrah – We kick things off with Debra outside of her house digging in the garden. I mean, come on. I’m sure she’s learned a lot of good tips and tricks from her work-release and I’m sure that trash claw can weed like nobodies business! Debra is trying to set Farrah up with her hairdressers son, Julien. Uh, why is Debra doing this all of a sudden? I’m sure she’s probably trying to get Farrah knocked up again to secure her spot for Teen Mom Season Three: Toddler Boogaloo. After Debra sets up a hair appointment so Farrah can meet this kid, they both end up at the salon getting their hair did. When they walk in I’m pretty sure I heard Debra whisper into Farrah’s ear, “Lose the condom. It feels better.” Debra won’t stop at anything for more camera time! As a sidenote, I love seeing Debra with wet hair. She looks like a little wet rat-Who and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Farrah ends up basically asking this dude Julien out on a date with her to his brothers restaurant. Someone must be in heat. Good for her. Their haircuts are done and, HOLY CRAP, both Farrah and Debra have matching half-perms. Brilliant. I’m sorry, what? What did Debra just say? Excuse me? I had to rewind it 4 times just to verify and I’m pretty sure I heard correctly. When Debra’s hair is all done she stands up and says, “I don’t look like a felon now, do I?” and then they all start laughing. Seriously this may be the highlight of the entire episode for me. Debra is now officially up to April status for me. Well, almost. She should have hi-fived them all with her trash claw if only she had it with her. The “next night” it’s date night for Farrah and she tries to explain to Sophia exactly what the plan is. It’s like, are you just telling the camera man or Sophia because I don’t think she can understand anything you’re saying. Anyway, on the date they both order some random peanut-butter-bacon-toast which sounds like it would immediately give me the sh*ts directly at the table. Like, I wouldn’t even make it to the bathroom. I would just let loose right then and there. Anycrap, Farrah is nervous to tell her “date” that she has a daughter. Um, what the hell show does he think they’re filming? I’m sure the cat is already out of the bag. Although Julien does look like he was kicked in the nuts when she mentions she has a 16-month old daughter. Farrah should probably have unprotected sex with him just to make up for it. Later in the crapisode, Farrah decides she is moving into Debra’s rental house two-week earlier than planned and she’s making Debra sign a “privacy” contract. In turn, Debra makes Farrah fill out a tenet application and go through the move-in checklist. Touche! This process starts off all light and fun and it quickly turns into an argument when Debra mentions she prorated the rent she owes since she’s moving in early and will only have to pay half the month. Farrah thinks Debra should knock some money off the rent because some rooms still need to be painted. She has no clue. It’s like, hey Cavallari, welcome to America. These are the rules, dummy. Also, your date colored and curled your hair. Just sayin’. Later Margaret Cho makes a guest appearance, which is a nice surprise, and she’s also dressed like Carmen Sandiego as an added bonus. Cho tries to remind Farrah that Debra tried to murder her and she can’t go back to that. Gee, thank for the reminder. Cho better keep her mouth shut or she’s going to end up on the butcher block next! Later Farrah and her mom have an adult discussion about the whole rent situation and I have to say that I’m siding with Debra on this one and not just because she can literally kill me. Seconds later Farrah give us one last “ugly cry” of the season and even Debra starts crying, which basically consists of her voice going real high in almost like a song-like sound. Interesting and creepy all at the same time. Debra lets Farrah know that she knows that someone is going to love her one day and, in the meantime, Debra loves Farrah no matter what. I’m content with this ending. They hug it out and you can tell Farrah has no idea how to do this because she kind of gives Debra the “good buddy” hug/back tap. Somewhere in the back of the garage Debra’s trash claw is smiling.
- Maci – Right off the bat we learn that Ryan has changed the custody agreement by adding upwards of 2 more days to the schedule where he gets Bint-Lee. I’m not technically sure if that’s true as I’m more focused on Ryan, literally, coloring flowers on the place mat. Also, because it’s the season finale, Ryan let out his biggest yawn of the season. This is kind of how I felt about the last 2 seasons of The Hills. I feel his pain. Maci lets Ryan know that they’re going to have to go to court if they can’t agree on this schedule and Ryan thinks that Maci would lose custody in court. Uh, perhaps he forgot that the first year of Bint-Lee’s life was filmed and put on national television and we all saw it? The defense rests. Maci heads home to her parents house to tell them that she and Kyle the ghostly cartoon bulldog broke up and that she’s going to stay in The Nash. Why can’t Maci just move home with them, get back with Ryan, and make all of America happy? She’s so selfish like that. Later Maci gets a letter from, no joke, “Step By Step Divorce Solutions.” Geesh, they leave nothing to the imagination. Did you ever notice how much Maci talks on the phone whilst driving? Oprah would be totally pissed at her. In fact, I might reach out to Maci and make her sign Oprah’s “Phone Zone” pledge. Maci ends up meeting up with her friend for lunch and tells her that she wishes she could have the baby without the baby daddy. So, uh, is she going to kill Ryan or is she going to hire someone to do it for her? I don’t want to wait until the Lifetime Movie to find out. Anyway, it’s finally Mediation day! Hooray! This must be thrilling for Ryan as he is yawning up a storm. They start disagreeing on the visitation and have it narrowed down to an extra day that Ryan wants with Bint-Lee. Maci ends up giving in to Ryan and his yawns so that he can have Bint-Lee for that additional day and she ends up having a little mini-breakdown and starts crying. You’d think Ryan would say, “Fine keep him but you have to give me oral pleasure every other Sunday until Daylight Saving time kicks in.” That’s how mediation should work and is always how I thought it did work. In the end Maci and Ryan quickly talk about getting back together for the sake of Bint-Lee but both decide that it’s not the right thing to do. That’s fine. Ross and Rachel played this game for about 10 seasons. We’ll see what happens next season (which can’t come soon enough). Although if Ryan ends up dating some chick from London and then Maci has to decide if she’s going to the wedding only to make it at the very last minute when Ryan is saying his vows and says, “I Ryan, take you Maci” I’m throwing in the towel.
- Catelynn – Yee-haw! Catelynn and Tyler are heading out to West Virgina to meet Carly for her 1st birthday, but first they’re stopping by Tyler’s mom’s house to say goodbye. Does his mom’s tank-top have shoulder pads in it? I totally love how Kim has Sandra’s perm from 227. That, clearly, should never go out of style. If only Kim could start a catch phrase like “Oh Marrrrry!” Seriously, if their whole episode takes place in West Virginia and there isn’t an April and Butch wrap up I’m going to be pissed. Also, I’m in the process of making bumper stickers that say, “Free Butch, Bitch!” and “Don’t Snarl With Darl!” Anyway, once Catelynn and Tyler have been on the road for a while Catelynn gets a call from April who is being all soft and sweet and saying, “Don’t forget about me” and “I love you honey!” Ruh-roh, someone has been hitting the Twisted Tea early in the morniiiiing! They end up stopping for some Mexican food in Ohio. That seems like a great plan with 6 hours left on the trip. If April and Butch were with them I’m sure she’d be in the back seat farting and doing Shasta McNasty all whilst Butch would “dutch oven” himself or “Butch Oven” as I will now only refer to it as. They finally make it to West Virginia and check into the Hampton Inn and call Teresa to let her know that they’ve arrived. This must mean it’s time for the awkward conversation of the week. This is when Teresa says the name Carly over the phone and they all kind of nervously laugh. I always cringe during this part because it feels so awkward. As a sidenote if I were them I would have been like, “Oh, thanks for springing for the Hampton Inn, Tre. I mean, we gave you a human being and you gave us 2 star accommodations with 50% off a continental breakfast vouchers.” Click! The next day they finally meet up with Teresa, Brandon, and Carly. The interaction is so awkward. Honestly, I don’t know how they do it. Cate gives Teresa the shirt that April bought for Carly and Teresa kind of sings “Oh, this is from April” and has a look on her face that suggests to Carly that if she touches the shirt she’s going to take all her toys away from her and put her in a time-out until she’s 12. You know that sh*t is being tossed into the woods before they leave. Was it just me or was it kind of sad watching them with Carly? What must that be like? I give them a lot of credit and it kind of breaks my heart to watch them interact with her. Wow, has my blackened heart started to come back to life? As a sidenote, when Carly makes that funny little “pig face” she looks just like Butch, no joke. Oh Darl. Later at the picnic, Teresa talks to Catelynn about the relationship she has with April and she assures Catelynn that she’s going to be so different from her parents because she’s already making good decisions in her life. Oh no she didn’t! It’s still sad seeing Carly hug Catelynn and study their faces. I feel like Catelynn and Tyler are wondering if they could have raised Carly and made things ok, but now it’s too late. Deep. It’s times like this that really make me miss April and Butch. Oh, and Kim too. And Tyler’s sister! Basically I need my trash to make me feel better right now. At the end of the day they head back to the Bed Bug Inn and finish their scrapbook for Carly. I love how these 17 year olds are like 40 year olds. April calls again to check in and see how her day was and if it was tough on her. Why is she being so nice? Does meth make you sweet? If she keeps up this behavior, I’m going to like April less and less. The next day they give Carly her scrapbook and then they give her one of those recordable books where you record your voice reading a story. Seriously, this sh*t is depressing. Carly is listening to the story, hearing Catelynn’s voice reading it, and keeps looking over at her. At one point she just puts her head in Catelynn’s hand. Do you think that even though she is so little Carly can feel this connection with Catelynn? I kind of feel like she can and I’m sad for both of them. Yowza why am I turning this into an Oprah book club?! Back to the 10 year old jokes. Had April been there during this breakfast with Carly looking at the book she would have yelled out, “Hey, uh, Carly you done with them hashbrowns?” In the end, they all have to hug goodbye and Teresa, Brandon, and Carly drive away leaving Catelynn and Tyler left to just kind of sit on the sidewalk and digest everything that happened. Most importantly, what in the holy hell happened to Butch? Is he still in the slammer? Rehab? Where in the world is Butchy?! They better discuss this on the reunion episode next week. I already saw a sneak peak and it looks like April has to take the hot-seat with Dr. Drew. Can’t wait. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!
Well folks that wraps that up…until the reunion with Dr Drew and his gray Weeble hair. In the meantime, I’d like to say thanks to all of you that have recommended, liked, commented, and shared this site all over the crazy Interwebs! I firmly believe I have the support of an army of “mommy bloggers” who live at BabyCenter, TheBump, TheNest, TheKnot, BabyZone, JustMommies, and more! If I could become the father of all of your children I would.
IBBB Housekeeping Item: Tomorrow I will have a special Teen Mom posting, which is likely to make you think I am even more insane than you already do. I mean, it’s dumb but should provide a laugh or two. See you tomorrow!