That’s right folks it’s time for another episode of “Are You Sure It’s Not Too Late for An Abortion?” The answer to that is always “no.” Although I’m sure modern western medicine would disagree. Consult your physician before reading this recap. Also, as always if you’d like to join me on my personal Facebook page just click here and I’ll pretend I’m your physician. And be sure to click on the “Recommend” button that I force-feed you so that you can share this recap with your friends on Facebook and I’ll somehow get famous. I don’t know.
Amber – Well the vacation to California for Amber is almost coming to an end. Before the week is up she’ll be free to attack innocent civilians again on the regular so buckle up America! Before Amber can bust on out of “the ‘hab” she’ll need to chat with hundreds of thousands of her therapists so they can make sure she isn’t ripe to the kill. She tells her one creeptastic therapist that she already has a list of things she’s going to do the second she gets home, which includes getting her license (if not Leah will have to pick her up in her Barbie Jeep), starting her schooling (8th grade book reports), and find a new house. Finding a new house will be key considering that Gary is in the process of moving out of the ski chalet, which is the worst thing I’ve heard of in a very long time. Although I thought Amber had her own home? I mean, we even get to see Amber’s mother, Tonya, cleaning the sh*t out of that place. I’m sure she’ll get to keep whatever “pipes” and “pills” she finds. Most likely she’ll use her nose as a vacuum. Per usual “the poors” are wearing the most creative t-shirts in this show. This time around Tonya is sporting a t-shirt of cats in a basket. She’s really giving Gary’s MILF a run for her money food stamps. Meanwhile, Amber is on to her 13th therapist before checkout and lets her know that she’s anxious to leave because once she’s at home everyone is out to get the best of her like ex-friends and ex-boyfriends. The therapist on the puffy leather couch had a good point when she asked Amber why these people would be around her if they were “ex’s.” Amber could barely keep her eyes open during this session so she looked as puzzled as Gary trying to decide if he’s pissed about the Trans-fat ban.
…and then the Lord said, “Ye shall heal your lepers, clean your prostitutes, and free ye wild beasts back to Indiana before ye serve 5 years in a minimum state prison for ye poors.” I believe that’s a Psalm. Anyway, Jesus (who I feel like I turned into a pirate) was clearly talking about our beloved Amby-Pants. Amber is busy packing up all of her hip-happenin’ rehab attire the same way she cleans Leah’s room, using tornado-like techniques and slamming her ass on hard surfaces until things fit. Ironically, this is the same way that she courted Gar-Bear. However, in his case I’m sure the only thing able to be hardened on his body is his arteries. What did you think I was talking about? Pervs. Fine, now I want you to think of Gary with “the erection” and eating KFC right out of the bucket. Serves you right. Anyway, Ambjikistan is leaving sunny Malibu and going back to the part of Indiana where I can only imagine Tom Arnold is currently bagging groceries and installing spy-cameras into the women’s restroom. As soon as Amb-tusin gets off the plane we see Tonya (delicate name) doing all these odd hand motions like she’s trying to wave Gary’s MILF, Carol, from third base all the way home. I found myself yelling towards the TV, “Run your fat ass over the mound, Carol!” And then someone spilled a beer on me. Spoiler Alert: That someone was me. Amber’s mom hugs her as awkwardly as her Indians t-shirt fits her and then they are off to drive their ‘victory freedom tour’ through Landford. I noticed the flags were at half-mast. As was Gary. As. Was. Gary.
Once back at Casa de Violence, we symbolically notice the “Welcome Home” sign falling off the wall. I was waiting to see Krystal Meth jump out from behind the couch with some cupcakes and 4 illegitimates but, sadly, no one attended this welcome home party. It was kind of like a white-trash version of Extreme Makeover because Tonya Harding was giving her a tour of her home and showing her how she purchased food for her refrigerator, did her laundry, and paid her bills for her. Someone even wrote in alphabet letters across the refrigerator “Love You Amber.” I’m sure it was Leah and I’m sure it originally said “F*ck You Amber” followed by “I’ll see you in hell” fingerpainted with her own feces…but I guess someone cleaned it up. Thanks production! As soon as they sit down Amber stands up and says, “Ok you can go.” That’s sweet. If this was the old Amber I bet she would have used Tonya’s vagina as a shoe and walked her out of the house, but not before banging her head into the door and knocking a TV or two over. Damn it I miss the old Amber. I wonder what “Bonnie” and “Isadora” do to her in prison?
In the end, Tonya brings Leah over to Amber’s house of horror the next day for a little visit and so Amber could give Leah all these gifts that she bought her…which I assume were just at LAX airport. It included things like a pink water bottle and hat. I’m pretty sure I also saw pens that said “Delta Airlines” on them. Everything seems to suddenly be going really well for Amber. I’m sure it will last.
Farrah – The good news is that Debra is still in Florida visiting Farrah which means that she and her sister haven’t killed Debra or been killed by Debra. I guess if you wake up alive at Farrah’s apartment it’s considered a good day. The even better news is that Farrah has a date with some dude tonight and Debra is going to watch Baby Goop for her. I’m pretty sure that I saw the dog cover its penis as soon as he realized Debra was babysitting. Getting ready for her date Farrah places what I can only assume is twigs and pigeon feathers in her hair. Legit it’s turned into a nest. Perhaps the date will take place in the forest. Sadly it does not, but she and her date Daniel head off to some ice cream place where they split what looks like 17 pounds of ice cream and will most likely give you the sh*ts hardcore. Nothing like having to bolt to the bathroom during date number 1 to do number 2. Daniel seems like a nice enough guy but I’m pretty sure he’s just Farrah with less hair and some scruff. Also, it was a little odd when Daniel was like, “Oh you have daughter? Cool. What’s her name?” Um, really Mr. Gulch? Because I’m pretty sure you knew. What they hell did you think you were filming right now, an episode of COPS? Sure I could understand you would think that if Debra was around but still. After three minutes into the date Daniel mentions that he’s from Austin and would eventually like to move back there. Farrah is like, “Yeah we should totally go!” This chick is on the fast track to marriage and looks desperate. She also looks like a Glow Worm in heat. But all kidding aside Farrah totally needs to do “the sex.” I’m sure it would improve her attitude from terrible to simply horrible.
The “next day” Debra, Farrah, and Baby Goop head on out to dinner as it’s Debra’s last night on Spring Break. Baby Goop is passed out at the table and Debra is busy being on her best behavior and making it seem like she’s happy that Farrah had just a nice date. She wants to know what Farrah found the most interesting about him, to which her reply was that he wasn’t trying to be “competitive” with her. Huh? I mean WTF, it was a date not American Gladiators. What did she think he was going to be competitive about? I is be confused please. Debra keeps saying that she was so happy to spend this time with Farrah and how nice it was to be with her. Really? Because I’m almost certain last crapisode both your daughters said they hated you and you ruined their lives. Maybe I just had a dream about that. I tend to do that with my Teen Moms. One time I had a dream that Maci realized she really wasn’t Avril Lavigne. It was a nightmare, obviously.
It’s time for Debra to spray her hair once more with some Aqua Net and then head off to the airport so she can continue ruining Michael’s life. While on the way to airport Debra tells Farrah that once she passes in her paper (??) she plans on basically just coming to Florida all the time. Shockingly Farrah didn’t punch her but did give a bit of an attitude and eye rolls. Shocking, I know. However, Farrah can’t get too upset because Debra is now gone and she has her new babysitter over to watch Sophia so that she can go on her second date with Daniel/Mr. Gulch. For reasons that are unknown to the general population their date is going horseback riding. I’m sure that smells nice. At least now I finally understand why Farrah has all that crap in her hair (food for the horse and trail mix for her date). As soon as she arrive the horse owners are like “Hi welcome!” And Farrah just says “Which one is mine?” She is such a joy. She was dressed appropriately as well for riding a horse. Clearly wearing Angela Bower’s power dress for horseback riding makes the most sense. After they’re finally on “the trail” (which is evidently just on the side of the highway) Farrah and Daniel kiss whilst riding their horses. Farrah initiated it. No wonder she got pregnant at such a young age. Insert sidewards winky smiley face here.
Catelynn – To all our surprise, Brandon and Teresa ended up coming over to Cate and Ty’s for a visit with iCarly and then they asked them if they wanted iCarly back. I’m kidding. All that really took place this episode for them is that they had friends over to the trailer to eats tacos. Tacos in a trailer? I mean, all that was missing was a beer stained wife-beater and Kool Aid mustache. Speaking of Kool Aid, I’m pretty sure Cate used some red flavor to dye her T-Boz comb-over. Tyler is all in a heated huff because he’s starting “college” in one month and Cate still hasn’t even signed up yet. All their friends are freaking out because she only has 30 days to get all this stuff done so she can start on time. Let’s be honest. It’s community college. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I’m almost certain it’s like daycare for adults. You can show up any time as long as you pay. And all the friends are saying things like “in high school there were so many distractions…now that you’re in college you’re instantly serious.” I mean. Where are they getting this from? When I was in college I had to go to student court because I got so drunk I pushed out the screen in my dorm room, threw my coffee pot out the window, and was screaming that Ma’am Paupadopolis was a f’ing whore. True story. Either way, all the friends leave and Cate and Ty get into their messy bed with their clothes on. Ugh I bet they wear them again the whole next day too! Ring around the collar for sure.
Since Butch is MIA it’s time for April to enter the scene again, which is always a treat for both the eyes and the ears. She comes over to visit Catelynn and is smoking butts in the trailer and giving Cate advice about her schooling. That seems sound. First off her forehead is officially starting at the top of her head and second her advice is “So you just going to like, go, and figure it out later?” Of course it was followed by an “I’m proud of ya, kid” all whilst she shakes and looks all around the room like the cops are about to bust through at a moments notice and drag her off to the slammer. Maybe she can be cellmates with Amber? Bucket List. Not much else is going on for them this episode so it only makes sense that Kim is getting a makeover and bringing Tyler for hairstyle tips and ideas. I actually couldn’t believe that Kim was getting a new hairdo since I love her 80’s look so much. She’s going so Hollywood right now. As she’s sitting there with foil in her hair she’s chit-chatting with Ty about him being too much like a father to Cate in regards to him pressuring her to go to college. In fact, Tyler states that if Cate didn’t go to school he probably wouldn’t be with her. Oh all of a sudden he’s the King of England? Pipe down there Tyler. If it wasn’t for your girlfriend you wouldn’t be on television making more money than anyone your age who lives where you live should make.
In the end, Kim comes home with her new hairdo and looks about 30 years younger. I’m not kidding. Had Butch been home I’m sure he would have tried to rekindle. And by “rekindle” I of course mean “mug and sexually assault.” Catelynn finally stops being lazy and after Tyler haunts her for 10 minutes she decides call financial aid and make an appointment. I wonder how much financial aid colleges usually give you when you’re on the cover of Us Weekly and have a television show?
Maci – Ugh. Ok so I cut Catelynn’s a little short because it was a snooze (minus the Kim makeover) so I figured I could muster up enough energy to at least make a few comments on Maci’s scenes. Bint-Lee is still losing his sh*t over going to pre-school. This kid hates it and screams and cries anytime Maci or the cartoon albino bulldog (CAB) even makes reference to it. I actually feel bad when he freaks out but it kinda makes me laugh only because Ryan tries to pretend he’s such a tough guy so it’s ironic is son cries more than Leah on the run from Amber. The part that I can’t seem to get my mind around is why Ryan and his family are so confused about what pre-school actually is all about. They don’t see the need for it and I’m pretty sure they think this is a new concept. I think it’s actually good that they send him just for the fact that he hangs out with his mother, CAB, and a camera crew all the live-long day.
Maci drops off Bint-Lee at pre-school and then has to run out of the room and hide behind the wall all whilst Bint-Lee reacts like he just lost a typical game of “Sophie’s Choice.” Ryan is supposed to yawn his way to the pre-school to pick up Binty-Fresh but ends up having to call Maci because he got “stuck” on his way home from his girlfriend’s house. And by “stuck” I’m pretty sure he meant “stuck.” See what I did there? Read it again. Yeah, me either. I felt bad for Bint-Lee after school when he asked why Ryan hadn’t come to pick him up but then I stopped feeling bad for him once I remembered he is on TV and got to paint all day and I need to hurry up and finish this recap so I can go to work. Hash tag Jealous! Hash tag, hash tag, hash tag.
In the end Ryan and his mother decide that Bint-Lee shouldn’t be going to school and, instead, he should just sit in the garage with Ryan and he can teach him how to yawn on camera and snort. I’m not sure how much of that is true because I actually started falling asleep a little.
Episode Rating: 2 Awkward Tonya Hand Gesture and 1 Falling Down Welcome Sign