Teen Mom Recap: How Do We Get the Easter Bunny on the Biggest Loser?

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It’s the Easter crapisode of Teen Mom and, well, clearly Jesus has risen because this is one great crapisode!  Here’s what went down last night on Teen Mom:

  • Farrah – It’s Easter for Farrah and Sophia and while she’s busy putting rabbit ears on herself and Sophia I wonder what on earth Debra could be doing on a day like today.  Hmmm.  I wonder what she could be doing?  Oh wait a second, there she is.  She’s busy wearing a reflective vest and picking up trash on the side of the road all while a camera crew is following her.  Brilliant.  This is honestly always how I thought it would have gone if they ever came out with a “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas Part II:  Hard Times” and the Grinch got busted for stealing all those toys and was required to do community services.  It’s like my childhood dream has come to life and featuring my favorite little Who.  Anyway, Margaret Cho (the Jenny Bunny of Teen Mom) stops on by to visit Farrah and watch her vacuum up her curtains and almost burn the apartment to the God-damn ground.  I’m surprised she didn’t suck up Sophia while she was at it.  Also, I know there’s a “the carpet doesn’t match the drapes” joke in there somewhere I just haven’t found it yet.  Later, Farrah makes the decision to sell her Dodge Neon on Craigslist.  I’m sure this will go off without a hitch.  Within about 14 seconds she ends up selling her car for $5,000 and receives a check for $8,000 in which she must deposit immediately and then wire $3,000 of that to the “buyer” so she can have the car shipped.  Huh?  I’m sorry isn’t this one of those Nigerian scams in which they’re claiming that they’re sick on their death bed because their father is the King of Uganda and won’t let them marry their goat, but they’re still naming you in their will and will provide you with the sum of $22 million, but first you need to send them $3,000?  Yeah, like that.  How Farrah doesn’t get killed more is beyond me.  The next day, Farrah goes to get her current car detailed (inside and out) so it can be shipped soon since she just deposited her check and sent her “buyer” $3,000.  Oh, did I mention that she’s getting her car detailed during the same typhoon that almost wiped out the entire village in Karate Kid Part II?  Another great decision.  While at the car wash, Farrah realizes that she forgot diapers for sh*tty-bum Sophia and so she and Margaret Cho get some filthy rags from the car wash and then begin to wrap up Sophia in them.  She ends up looking like the friggin Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Why not just spray her ass with Armor-All, hang a green-tree car freshener from her arm, and call it a day?  Later we learn that this whole “car selling” business was a fraud and Farrah is out the $3,000.  Ruh-roh! Someone hide the knives because it might be time to go back to Debra’s house of horror!  Once Farrah realizes that she’s out the $3,000 I do start to feel really bad for her.  That sucks.  I mean, I didn’t know that people who weren’t 85 fell for these scams, but apparently they do.  That sucks.  Wait a second….why is she leaving Sophia on the big bed by herself?  Wait…why is she walking away?  Wait…why did she just leave the room?  Well, there you go.  Bam!  Sophia falls off the bed and onto the floor.  Nice catch, camera guy.  Seriously, why did no one in the production crew prevent this from happening?  Geesh.  I miss Debra.
  • Maci – Again, Maci seems the most normal so she’s the most difficult to write about.  She seems like a good mother, takes good care of her Bint-Lee, comes from a nice family, and is just trying to finish school, balance life, and land herself a man.  I wish she were trashier but, alas, she’s not.  She ain’t (ai-not) no Amber, you know what I’m saying?  Anyavril,  Maci heads back out to Nashville to visit her friends in college and she brings Bint-Lee because, let’s face it, nothing makes guys want to hit on your more than when you have a toddler on your hip.  Plus, no boys in the dorm Maci!  Rules are rules.  Later on Kyle (where to begin) comes by to meet Bint-Lee for the very first time.  He should have brought him a toy or something.  Such a rookie mistake.  Bint-Lee is scared of Kyle, to say the least, but that may be because he looks a bit like Sloth from Goonies without the pointy head…..kinda…sorta…exactly.  Bint-Lee is seriously one cute kid.  It’s going to be sad when he needs a face transplant because Maci and Kyle took him go-kart racing and never strapped a helmet on him.  Safe.  He looks like he’s about to puke up Gerber while he rounded the turns going upwards of 155 mph.  So did Farrah give Maci these great parenting tips?  Why not just take him bungee jumping next?  In the end, Kyle changes Bint-Lee’s diaper.  Good for him.  I would have ran out of there so fast I would have left a Bugs Bunny-like cutout in the middle of the wall.  But, Kyle stays because he’s a better man than me.  Maci lets him know the rules of staying with her and being there for Bint-Lee and, well, this will all eventually piss off Ryan and I hope the cameras are rolling for that.
  • Catelynn – We pick things up right where we left them last week which consists of Catelynn and Tyler fighting about ridiculous phone records and Catelynn calling her ex-boyfriend upwards of 6 times.  She tries to justify it by saying she called him 6 times, but only talked to him twice.  So basically she admitted to stalking him?  Am I following along with this right?  Later Tyler sends Catelynn some mean text messages and because “her mom is in a bad mood” she’s forced to call her counselor to talk things out and get advice.  A bad mood?  Uh oh, I think someone is facing some fierce meth withdrawals!  This is great.  The whole time Catelynn is on the phone her mom is bugging out in the kitchen, fidgeting, lurking, and at one point just staring at her with such a scary look that I actually made sure my front door was locked in case she was standing outside my apartment waiting to kill me.  However, most importantly she has on a t-shirt that says, “I’m not short…I’m fun sized.”  I mean, it’s like she bought this directly from the Harriet Carter catalog and is wearing it just for me!  Suddenly she dashes out of the room all creepily.  I’m sure they’re filming both Teen Mom and Intervention all at the same time.  I wonder if the camera crew is the same?  Two birds, one stone you know?  I also love looking in the background during these scenes to see what I can find.  This time I found some butch-looking lady in the living room smoking a cigarette and watching TV.  Who the hell is she?  And where is the real Butch?  This is like Where’s Waldo? for me.  The next day, Tyler and Catelynn head out to the adoption lady to see new pictures of Carly since she’s 1 years old now.  That must really suck for them, no?  Can it be healthy to keep doing this?  And I thought I had problems with blogging.  Perspective.  Once Tyler drops off Catelynn back at the set of Intervention, he won’t hug her and this makes Catelynn go back to the “ugly cry” which isn’t a good look for her…or anyone.  Plus I’m pretty sure that will make her braces rust.  Hugging leads to sex anyway and, well, no one needs that right now.  Actually.  What?  I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.  Are you new here?  I also love Tyler’s mom, clearly.  Even though in this scene she’s sans shoulder pads, not as permed, and her eyes aren’t bugged out because the sun is in them and she’s squinting I still love her.  That’s how I know it’s real love.  In the end Tyler and Catelynn make up via text message.  Did they just have make-up text?  Hey oh!  Finally, Tyler ends up polluting planet earth by ripping up Catelynn’s phone records and throwing them into the river.   He trusts her now and all is right with the world.  The only thing wrong right now is that Butch was nowhere to be found in this episode.  What a jip!
  • Amber – Roseanne and Dan are back in Lanford after their extravagant engagement trip to Florida and Gary has a hunch that their house is going to stink when they walk in.  I say it’s a hunch, but it may be because he, himself, smells like a mix of Cheeto’s and failure.  That’s just my hunch.  It’s a free country, we all get to have hunches….not just Gar.  To their surprise the house doesn’t smell but they discover that they left the bathtub filled up the entire time they were in Florida.  Yum.  I just gave myself a tetanus shot.  The next day it’s Easter for the Connor’s and Gary is dressed up in an Easter Bunny costume.  You know he probably had to pay extra for the size, no?  This sh*t is priceless.  Gary, dressed as the Easter Bunny, is sweating, itching, starts to vogue (for some inexplicable reason), and then immediately needs to lay down (that’s a dead give away to Leah that the Easter Bunny is her daddy).  They end up driving to his mom’s house in his Easter Bunny costume, but I’m sure they’ll be stopping by the mall so Gar can punch-in and have some kids sit on his lap and have pictures taken.  Perv.  Anyhop, this Easter dinner is one for the records books.  I can’t even.  I never knew Gary had a brother, but he does and, well, he needs his own show and/or we’ll soon see him on an episode of COPS.  Amber lets everyone know that they’re engaged…again…for the third time and no one even bats an eye.  She explains that she’s “busy planning the wedding” (Cracker Barrel/table-cloth wedding dress/flowers stolen from a cemetery/stuffed animals as bridesmaids/boom box for the DJ/sparkling cider toast/honeymoon at the Comfort Inn) and will help pay for them to all come to Florida and stay with her parents.  That must have been the PeeWee Herman secret word of the day because Gary’s brother freaks the F out and says he won’t go and won’t stay with her family.  Per usual, Amber gets pissed off, starts yelling, and ends up walking home and leaving Leah with Gary and his family.  You totally know they all view Amber as the “rich bitch in-law” now that she has MTV Teen Mom money.  A fight begins between Gary and Amber (shocker) and they get “un-engaged” for the 4th time.  Gary comes home and starts to pack up his stuff, which probably consists of too-tight t-shirts and Pop Tarts, after Amber kicks him out.  I’m sure he’ll head off to the Lobo for some beers with Booker.  The next day Gary comes back to say sorry and Amber has her “end of the episode” break-down, but still they try to work things out.  Gary needs to be careful with all this stress because, as we know, at the end of Roseann Dan died from a major heart attack.  Amber, on the other hand, is looking really good by the way.  She’s lost a ton of weight.  I hope she’s not playing “hide the toothbrush.”  Eh, such is life.

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