Sorry that this is just being posted now. Like the girls from 16 & Pregnant, I was late. Anycrap, here’s what went down on with our favorite cast of characters on Teen Mom (or “Teenage Mother” if I’m feeling fancy)
- Catelynn – So at what point are they just going to scrap the others and give Catelynn and her family their own show because, well, I’m waiting and I want to give my DVR as much advanced notice as possible. For some inexplicable reason Catelynn’s moms toddler son is literally making out with the wall and then yells out “I kissed the wall!” Butch (a national treasure) beams with pride as I’m sure that’s how he learned to “woo” women as well. To make things even more strange, Butch decides he wants to show off his basement to Tyler and the camera crew. I’ll assume he’s either high, or drunk, or both. If only he could have put his alcohol/drug money towards scissors to cut that rat tail. I’m kidding. Never cut it. Ever. In fact, one day when Butch passes on I hope to see his rat tail hanging in the Smithsonian. Um also, where in the hell is the stove? It’s missing from the kitchen. It’s legit gone. Anyway, Butch learns that he’s being ordered to go to rehab but, honestly, I don’t want him to get clean and sober. I know it’s selfish but I don’t. It really will take the fun out of watching. Eh, fingers crossed for a relapse. Later, I learn that Christmas has come early for me because we get to meet Tyler’s sister who is a spitting image of his mom (minus the shoulder pads). When Butch heads over to Tyler’s house to let them know he’s going to rehab he walks in the door and Tyler’s sister yells out, “Oh my God, I have a dad? Hi dad!” to which Butch responds, “Do I know you?” and then they all laugh. I mean this family is comedy gold. Butch fills in the fam that he’s heading to rehab and they’re all just glad at least he’s not going to jail. I can’t even process choices like that. Do you think when Butch gets sober he’ll look in the mirror and be like, “Holy crap why do I look like this? Why didn’t anyone tell me I molded my look after Billy Ray Cyrus circa 1991?” Moving on. Catelynn’s mom looks like she’s been through hell, came back to life, went back to hell, got gang-banged by Satan and his minions, and then got rabies. She’s dropping Butch off at rehab, but seriously, it’s like you’re on television sweet cheeks. Maybe put on a little makeup? Geesh. Especially with Butch spending time in “the ‘hab” maybe she can land herself a man? The lady who’s checking Butch into rehab might as well work at the DMV. With as little energy as possible she says, “Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.” She could use some coke. Speaking of that, we learn that Butch liked to snort cocaine and not crack. Did you see the arrogance in his face when she asked him if he did crack and not cocaine? Oh all of a sudden Butch is the King of England. Back at home, Catelynn is fighting it out with her mom because Catelynn doesn’t help out around the house. Uh, I’m sure some of that “Teen Mom” money might help out a bit. Also, her mom is chain-smoking so close to the baby she might as well give him a couple of puffs. You know, stunt his growth so they can save money on new clothes and a “big boy” bed. In the end, Catelynn’s mom is writing an embarrassing love letter to Butch with multiple colored pens and it’s titled, “Hi Sexy.” I’m red in the face. It also has a ton of “xoxoxoxoxo’s.” Kill me. I actually kept pausing my DVR to see if I could read it. The only thing I could make out was that I think she was sending him his stuff tomorrow. I wonder if that means his clothes or, like, cocaine? Catelynn ends up cleaning up the house so her mom is no longer mad at her. To celebrate they order a pizza and watch nighttime cartoons. Just a typical Sunday in “Butch’s World.”
- Amber – It’s decision day for Amber. Should she get her GED or get her high school diploma? It’s like Sophie’s Choice. Apparently Amber thinks if she gets her GED her daughter, Leah, will end up asking her why she doesn’t have her diploma. Does Amber think that television will be extinct by the time Leah gets old enough to ask? Roseanne and Dan aren’t really yelling at each other in this episode so I’m not really sure how to react. It makes me uncomfortable. Amber ends up going to her old high school counselor to discuss the whole GED/diploma crisis. Amber thinks that if she gets her GED people will wonder what she did wrong. Uh, what about if she gets her diploma and it shows that she started high school in 2006 and graduated in 2018? Perhaps that will raise a red flag? By the way, 10 years in high school only worked on 90210. Later Amber and Gary take Leah to a place called, “That Fun Place” and on their sign they seem to be bragging about having a “blacklight” for some reason. Is that a thing people want to experience and pay for? Gary tells Amber if she passes her GED test he’s going to take her out for dinner. Well, I sure hope Cracker Barrel allows you to postpone your reservations a couple of times. Just a guess. In the end, Gary says he wants Amber to pass her GED test because he wants to “marry a woman who’s on her game.” Well there you have it. This is coming from a guy who looks like he could have been cast for 16 & Pregnant and doesn’t have employment. At this point Gary’s only “future wife requirement” should consist of: Must have minimum of 4 teeth. Oh, and Amber ended up failing all portions of her GED practice test. That sucks. She actually asks Gary if she can take “smart pills” to help her remember how to do all this stuff. Solid plan. Gary lets her know that she just needs to listen to Mozart because “it’s proven” to make you 50% smarter. I hope the tanning salon gives Amber more hours because she’s going to need it. I wonder if she’ll bump into Farrah there? We’ll get to her in a minute.
- Farrah – Starting out Farrah’s segment any other way than showing clips of Debra picking up trash is just stupid. It makes me laugh every time. I think that Debra just being on the show and having to deal with Farrah on camera is “community service” enough. At work Farrah is chopping up pizza toppings like nobodies business with a butcher knife. I think she’s sending a secret message to her mom. She’s also trying to pick up more hours at work because of that whole pesky $3,000 car scam, but I’m zoning out a bit because I’m wondering why she’s wearing Christmas wrapping paper ribbon in her hair for the entire episode. Farrah’s friend ends up convincing her to go speed dating and thank Santa Christ she did because I was getting bored with her. Ugh, imagine showing up to speed dating and sitting across the table from you is Farrah? I would hope, of course, that Debra would be sitting across from me wearing her reflective vest and holding her trash claw in one hand and her butcher knife in the other. Seriously, Farrah is the worst. The first guy on her speed date asks her if she has any questions for him and she says, “I don’t. Just talk.” She’s a real dream come true. Although his only question for her is centered around if there is anyone negative or a “downer” in her life. Yeah, looks like someone checked out TMZ before going on his speed date. The next dude looks like he’ll strangle Farrah in the parking lot. She lets him know that she doesn’t like cats because they piss everywhere. Um, ok. Whatever happened to “So…where you from?” The third guy wants to be a professional fighter, which should come in handy if/when Farrah and her mom ever speak to each other again. Farrah lets him know that she enjoys going tanning. Tanning. Tanning? Is that a hobby? Really? Can a hobby only be 7 minutes and require goggles? All the dates were a bust so Farrah goes home. Maybe she should email that guy from Craigslist who scammed her? He seemed like a real go-getter.
- Maci – Is moving to Nashville with Bint-Lee.
Well, that’ wraps up another crapisode of Teen Mom. I love this show. I hope it runs as long as Butch’s rat tail. Join Me on Facebook!