Hello my good people. Before we get down to brass tax, let’s get down to brass tacks. For those of you who’ve helped me during the Celebrity Twitter Bomb, we’ll be playing again today. It’s simple. If you like this recap and want to help me continue to sell out then “Tweet” this recap (you can use this shortened URL: http://bit.ly/qlEhBL) to the following people: @joelmchale @kellyripa and @andersoncooper. Pretty simple, right? Tweet away! Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Farrah – In case you forgot, Farrah’s life isn’t all hair modeling and slicing pizzas. No no, not at all. It’s not all glitz. You see Farrah still has a daughter and she needs to learn how to take a mean Shasta McNasty in places other than her Dora Diaper. Places like, the toilet. So in order to train Sophia on all things potty she simply places her on the toilet and then leaves the room so she can figure out how to make mushroom risotto for her big final coming up. Don’t worry about Sophia falling in and being flushed to China because the camera crew is watching her. In a moment of defiance Sophia starts pulling all the toilet paper off the roll like she’s just taken the Double Dare Physical Challenge. She’ll be trying to pick the orange flag out of the giant nose before you know it. Kids grow up fast like that. Like Pavolv’s Dog, I’m shocked that Debra didn’t enter the bathroom, trash claw in hand, and start picking up the toilet paper all whilst sporting her florescent lime green reflector jacket. Oh, and we’ll get to her actual jacket selections in a little bit.
Farrah’s dead boyfriend’s dad and stepmom (Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!) want to meet baby Sophia in person and not just see her on places like “television” and “Life & Style.” When the stepmom calls Farrah to meet up Farrah, of course, goes into her lifeless stare and finally agrees to meet up for a bite to eat and then quickly just hangs up the phone. She’s bringing Debra to this lunch in case, you know, someone gets out of hand and needs to be stabbed repeatedly with a butcher knife and/or slapped in the car. The funny part is that the stepmom and dad seem pretty nice. They even told Farrah that the dad would have taken the DNA test so that Sophia can start collecting social security like she’s the elderly. While Debra has a smile on her face the whole time, her eyes are sending out messages to them that quietly say, “You’ve seen my mugshot. You know what I’m capable of. Now hand me back Baby Goo and no one here gets hurt…except Farrah, probably, on the car ride home.”
Later, Farrah receives the final decision from the Social Security people who are denying her and Sophia any form of Social Security because there is question that the “baby daddy” was the father or some junk like that. Farrah immediately calls Debra over to discuss this and she. is. pissed. I mean, she’s also sporting some sort of a Billy Ray Cyrus fringe suede jacket with shoulder pads and class. I’m not quite sure how anyone is keeping a straight face. In “new and innovative ways to humiliate Farrah on national television” Debra just blurts out how she doesn’t know why Social Security is saying this because, “We caught you having sex in our house.” Caught or filmed? There’s a difference. And what’s up with Farrah’s red iPad? It looks like a Speak-n-Spell. I want to hear it say “slut” just like when I was little.
Things get even more “serious” because John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt (Attorney at Law in a T-Shirt – coming this Fall to TNT) calls up Farrah to let her know that Derrick’s real mother wants grandparents visitation rights and she wants them now. Farrah, per usual, is a giant C to poor John Jacob and says the only way she can prove all this is to bring Derrick back from the dead to he can say that he’s Sophia’s father. Seriously, if there isn’t a Oujia Board and a reenactment of Weekend at Bernie’s in the next episode I’m going to be pissed.
Taking matters into her own hands hasn’t really paid off because apparently Yogi Bear has come to her front door to deliver her a petition from the grandmother demanding court ordered visitation rights. Debra looks like she’s fit to be tied and ready to just start stabbing and clawing and, well, she has the ability to do both of those things at once. Sure her hip-happenin’ black leather coat is going to slow her down, but she still can muster up enough energy to follow through. Farrah tries to make this seem like it’s not a big deal, but Debra says that she can’t “gar-en-tee” that she would win in court. I don’t follow, but I don’t dare question a woman in a mans leather coat. Ever.
In the end, Farrah heads off to see her therapist because she doesn’t have anyone else to talk to, apparently. Her therapist kinda seems like a b*tch, no? She’s definitely an icy b*tch and kinda looks like the physic medium who was at Camille’s dinner party smoking an electronic cigarette during an episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Seriously, she’s the same person but with a blond Kate Gosselin wig. Anyuglycryisaboutothappen, Farrah tells her that she doesn’t really have anyone to talk about her problems too, including friends. What happened to hair cutting Margaret Chow from last season? She seemed like a good listener. Also, I don’t care. However, Farrah seems to care because she has officially busted out her first official “Ugly Cry” of the season! Hooray! During this Ugly Cry we notice that she’s somehow jacked up her finger. It’s probably because she’s always pointing blame on others. See what I did there? Oh, and the therapist tells her to stop being angry. Farrah should call me. I’ll help her out. I’m not sure if she’s into topless therapy sessions where she’s forced to do “the snake” the whole time all whilst I throw fish food at her, but we’ll see. We. Will. See.
Butch Catelynn – It’s what we’ve all been waiting for all year. Butch is about to be freed from the slammer and back into our lives where he belongs! Sure he’s going to have to go right to a halfway house (symbolic of halfway finishing middle school) but there’s just one issue. Even though he’s about to be freed he is not allowed to come into contact with April and, well, since April makes awesome decisions she wants to pick up Butch at prison because she “loves him and wants to be with him.” Reuniting at prison will, I’m sure, be very reminiscent of her wedding night. Apparently if this happens Butch will go back to jail until 2023 so Tyler talks some sense into April and they all decide that he’ll pick up, our friend, Butch. Is it just me or does anyone else think April’s sex toys consist of a plunger with a paper cutout of Butch’s face on one end? Just me? Oh.
I was really nervous that Butch’s first scene would be a let down but boy was I wrong. Tyler and his awesome sister Amber pick up Butch and Butch is, literally, running from the prison, across the lawn, with a bag of trash (I was waiting for Debra to snatch it with her snatch trash claw), and his rat-tail flowing in the wind. He stops, kisses the ground, and screams “freedom!” Seriously? Did he someone score drugs on the run from the prison to the parking lot and we just missed it? Do you think that his bright yellow shirt was his “planned outfit for tv” or do you think that the jail is filled with people sporting bright yellow shirts? Eh, either way it really makes his mullet pop on camera so good for him. And us. After his official ground kissing ceremony, they all jump into Tyler’s “sweet ride” and Butch asks his daughter “what’s new” to which her response is “I’m pregnant” and then they all have quite the laugh. Honestly, I couldn’t love this family any more than I do. Butch ends up asking her if her mother tried to convince her to give the baby up for adoption or anything and her response was something to the effect of, “Nah, I already heave two babies.” So pretty much Amber is living a life of just “F*ck It” and lets the chips fall where they may…which will, of course, be in the dumpster.
Before Butchy-Poo has to head to the halfway house he stops by Tyler and Catelynn’s apartment so he can see Cate and his stepson Nick. Cate give him a hug so tight that I truly believe it was on behalf of all of America. I love how Butch is smoking directly in the apartment and within inches of his sleeping 4 year old stepson. I hope the government gives out free oxygen tanks. I’m surprised Butch doesn’t want to shower and change into something less blindingly bright before he heads out but, alas, he doesn’t. He doesn’t have time because he needs to talk to Tyler about wanting to go against the court order and bang the ever loving bag out of April. Seriously, Butch is shaking. He tells Tyler that he’s a “natural born predator” and needs to get his “freak on.” Imagine? All this for April. The whole time in prison Butch couldn’t wait to get out of there to bang April. Out of all women…April. There’s a lid for every pot, clearly. And why do I have a feeling that they use trash bags as condoms? I’m kidding. I’m sure they don’t use any protection at all. April probably makes him shoot into her Twisted Tea bottle which she turns into “Butch Perfume” for when he’s gone. I actually just made myself sick with that thought.
Well, Butch will have to rely, once again, on his hand because it’s time to say goodbye and drop Butch off at his halfway house. Um, his halfway house appears to be a large brick building without windows and protected by a barbed wire fence. So, uh, he’s just going back to prison, right? I hope this isn’t the last we see of Snarlin’ Darlin’ because he brought so much joy to me this episode. The only issue is that if we see Butch then we don’t get to see April. And if we see April then we can’t see Butch. It’s like Sophie’s Choice for “the poors.”
Amber – Oh Jesus. We’s getin’ investigated, y’all! Right off the bat we learn that the police are looking for Amber and want to talk with her. They should check her couch because she typically can be found there and/or in her bed. Apparently they want to question her about her beating the ass out of Gary on national television. I hope this line of questioning also includes why she’s living in an abandon ski lodge. Sometimes life is about really tough decisions and this time is no different for Roseanne and Dan. You see, they’re trying to figure out what is more cost effective; should Amber go to jail or hire a lawyer. Decisions, decisions. This is like Gary trying to decide between a diet coke and a giant Big Gulp. These are decisions that no one should ever have to deal with.
Per usual, Amber and Gar Bear start-a-fightin’. She keeps saying that this is about her and not about Gary. She’s screaming all this while Leah is playing with Q-tips and nails on the nasty matted down rug. Safe and cleanly! More importantly, they’ve apparently upgraded the puffy leather couch to a tight leather couch that kinda looks trendy…like it’s in a hip lounge…that just happens to be in an abandon ski lodge. Gary is freaking out and saying “What are you gonna say if they ask you if you ever hit Gary before.” Without skipping a beat Amber simply states, “I’m gonna say, duh, why do ya think I’m here.” Well then. Case closed, legs closed.
While these two fat f*cks are laying around in bed, Gary gets a call from his hot MILF of a mom who alerts him that Child Protective Services were at her house looking for them. She should have given then some skis and then pointed them north to the “chalet.” Amber decides that she doesn’t want to go to jail, which I think is odd because she’ll be able to have some piece and quiet, punch strangers, get three meals a day that aren’t Taco Bell, and can get visits from her daughter behind a glass wall so she doesn’t even have to touch her or change her diapers. Seems like a nice vacation for Amber. However, they decide it’s time to lawyer up so Gar whips out the yellow pages and just starts-a-dialin’. He legit is like, “Yeah are you a lawyer for domestic violence?” Amber just rolls her eyes. Had the camera crew not been there she would have, most likely, slapped Gary upside the head and then forced him down the secret basement for a “lights out time out.” Either way, they hit the jackpot because they found a lawyer who will help him and is name is Bob. That’s all, just Bob. Like Madonna. Bob.
After telling Bob that he thinks that the neighbors called the cops on him after Amber hit him (Uh, I don’t think it was so much the neighbors calling as it was there was a camera crew there filming it for a television show, which “America” saw and I blogged about) they decide to make an appointment to meet. Getting there will be half the challenge because Amber and Gary both have lost their license for unpaid parking tickets so they have to call a cab. Brilliant. Showing up to your domestic violence attorneys office via a taxi may be one of the white trashiest things you can do. If only they were drinking Kool Aid in the back seat out of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle water gun it would have been more white trash. “Bob The Attorney” ended up being quite the surprise treat for us this crapisode. He’s sporting a red bow tie and blue sport coat. He might actually just be a boat captain who happens to have watched enough episodes of Judge Judy to know a thing or two to be dangerous. I can’t take him serious with that bow tie. He’s like a clown. “Charlie Chuckles, Attorney at Law” – this Fall on TNT after “Attorney at Law in a T-Shirt: The John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Story.” Anyway, Circus Bob is being all kinds of dramatic and telling Amber that she can go to jail for a year and lose her daughter forever. Well who will get Leah? Is it like a lottery type thing because I’ll buy a ticket.
In the end, Amber and Gary are laying in bed and Amber is talking really slowly and saying that she’s a very tired person. Of course she’s tired. She’s either in bed all day or beating up Gary. That takes a lot out of you! She then starts yelling at Gary for asking questions. So, uh, she’s definitely under the influence of something in this scene, right? Amber is trying to justify hitting Gary by saying that he made her hit him. I’m pretty sure that was Ike’s defense with Tina. You better eat ‘yo cake, AnnaMae. Oh and you totally know that Amber was eating the cake. Seconds later, Amber then switches up her voice and facial expressions by placing emphasis on certain words while yelling at Gary by saying that MAYBE you may lose YOUR daughter. She kinda said it matter of fact like she would tell Gary that maybe Cracker Barrel got rid of their early bird special. Amber ends up telling Gary that she hates him and then goes on her usual “I’m done, I’m done” tour. You, my friend, are not Audrina Patridge and Gary is no Justin Bobby. Although they kinda are the trashier version (if you can imagine) of Sam and Ronnie from Jersey Shore. On the way out of the house right before Amber slammed the door did anyone notice that random black and white GIANT picture hung up so high on the wall of some lady with her fists on her chin wearing a Claire Huxtable-type hat? WTF. Where do they live?!! Oh, and then Amber went to visit her friend who is living in Amber’s old apartment with all her old furniture. Is any of that odd to anyone? Is it odd to anyone that Amber is missing half of her eyebrows?
Maci – Ugh, I can’t. Nothing happened! No really. Kyle moves in looks more ghostly than ever. They discuss him meeting Ryan. Maci’s face is orange. Maci goes to see Ryan and they discuss having Bint-Lee’s birthday party together, even though Ryan wanted to have separate parties…all whilst Bint-Lee is driving backwards on a 4-wheeler. Seriously, this is the most uneventful. Kyle ends up going to meet with Ryan somewhere on the side of the road. Ryan takes, literally, 10 seconds to say that he just wanted to meet Kyle and make sure that he was following the rules. I have no idea what that means. The conversation just ended and everyone drove home. The end. Terrible.
Episode Rating: 2 Partying Free Butch’s and 2 Bags-o-Trash
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