Teen Mom Recap: At Least Leah Didn’t Yell, “Roseanne!”

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Farrah – It’s quite the celebratory day for our little Glow-Worm with bangs, Farrah, because she’s finally graduated with her associates degree from her local culinary school!  So basically at this point she’s qualified to cook me sandwiches out of an ice cream truck.  Although, I’m not too sure how good those sandwiches will be as she got her grades for the semester, which consisted of an A, a B, and then a C in her “Skills” course.  A “C” in Skills?  Like, cooking skills?  That would be a pretty important class I would think.  I mean, it’s a completely made up class, but a class nonetheless.  I can relate though as I once got a “D” in “Ideas” and a “C-” in “Thinking.”  Luckily, getting an “A” in “Knowing” really pulled up my GPA.

Regardless, to celebrate her big achievement she’s decided to take Sophia to a puppy Holocaust Camp called “Puppy Room” so that they could pick up a dog and we’ll be forced to listen to Farrah talk in her creepy baby voice for the remainder of the episode.  She decides to charge her puppy and then keep it a secret from Debra, who apparently hates all living things.  As do I.  As. Do. I.  Once at home, Farrah is freaking out about the dog taking a Shasta McNasty on the rug and keeps chasing the dog around the house and saying things like “hey dog!” and “Don’t go potty on the rug, dog!”  Anyone notice that she actually talks to the dog the same way she talks to Sophia?  Speaking of Sophia, it’s good to see her saying a couple of words even with her binky in her mouth.  I’m sure if she took that thing out for a minute she’s be able to easily say words like: help, social services, and I don’t want to go to the cemetery next episode to see my teen dad.  On a positive note, Farrah keeps dressing Sophia like Dora so, well, ole!

I think I want to revoke Farrah’s license from life.  While I’m at it I should revoke my US Citizenship because I’m embarrassed for myself when Farrah is literally holding the dog over the toilet and repeatedly yelling in its face, “Go potty!  Go potty!  Go potty!”  Even Sophia is giving her the side-eye and thinking, “B*tch, if you don’t get that filthy dog off my potty I’m going to push one out on the rug myself!”  I mean, she’ll end that thought with a stunning rendition of “I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the MAP!”

The rest of Farrah’s scenes turn into an episode of Three’s Company because Farrah and Sophia are now trying to hide the puppy from Debra who ironically kinda looks like Mr. Firley in drag.  Sophia, clearly, is Chrissy because when Farrah’s sister Ashley comes over for a visit Sophia keeps spilling the beans by repeatedly saying, “Doggie?”  Way to not crack under the pressure, kid.  I personally think it’s a great strategy to keep this secret from Debra as I’m sure if she were to find out there was a dog living in the apartment Farrah would come home to discover that Debra had used her trusty butcher knife to skin the puppy and would be wearing its fur as a hat.  The leftover fur would, of course, be used as shoulder pad stuffing.  Naturally.  We also learn, creepily, that Ashley once had a dog, but Debra sold it back to the pet store and then Ashley had to go back to the pet store and buy it back for a second time.  I’m almost certain this would have been Debra’s strategy with Sophia had their not been cameras on them during their 16 & Pregnant episode.

In the end, there was a water pipe break at Debra’s house so she heads over to Farrah’s house because the script tells her too, but also because she claims she wants to see if Farrah has water so she can take a shower.  Understandable.  I mean, her hair isn’t going to clean and feather itself.  Sophia and Debra are pounding down the door all whilst Farrah tries to hide the puppy.  If she’s really trying to hide it she should try to place it in her future because, clearly, no one will look there.  She finally lets Debra in the house and after Sophia says, 15,000 times during the episode, “doggie” Debra is finally coming close to solving this puzzle.  She asks Farrah what that squeaking noise is and then asks her if she has a bat in the house.  Do bats squeak because if they do I’m pretty sure I want one as a pet.  Farrah should have just been like, “That squeak?  Oh, that’s just Ashley in the other room playing with your trash claw.  It must need oil.”  You totally know Debra would have left the house then.  But, alas, she didn’t and she spotted the dog.  Debra was surprisingly nice to the dog, meaning that she didn’t kick it or try to flush it down the toilet.  I’m a little confused what the dog’s name is.  I thought they said “Candy” but then I thought Farrah said she named the dog after grandma.  So was Candy Debra’s stripper name or what?  More importantly why the hell do I care?  Either way, I give it two more episodes before we see that dog stuffed and hanging over Debra’s mantle.

Amber – Oh Amber, where the hell do we begin?  Amber has officially “closed” on her rental house and is now apparently best friends with Delta Burke Sheena who is also a teen mom.  She’s a teen mom who didn’t stop at one child, but now has three of them.  Evidently you’re more susceptible to “catch pregnancy” as a teenager after it happens the first time.  Amber is filling in Sheena that her daughter, Leah, is going to turn 2 years old on November 12th and she can’t wait to have her birthday party for her because she’s dress her up as princess.  Let’s face it, Leah will be psyched to just be dressed at all.  However, there may be a change in plans because Gary calls Amber to let her know that he wants to have separate birthday parties for Leah because he doesn’t want to “tease” her into thinking that her parents are together when they’re really not.  Gary is sensitive to teasing as he’s suffered greatly the time when McDonald’s claimed they were going to permanently add the McRib to the menu and then pulled it back at the last minute.  He’s still recovering from the shock and loss.  Anymanychins, Gary tells Amber that he stills loves her and wants to be with her.  Yawn.  Amber says she loves him to but “they gots so many problem.”  She should be chewing on some hay when she says that.  So basically, Gary is only using Leah to try and get Amber back.  I guess “using” isn’t as bad as “teasing.”  When one day Leah ends up shooting them both, please let’s not ask why.  Gary starts to hang up the phone and Leah just screams towards it, “Amber!!”  Brilliant.  I stood up and started to slowly applaud all while wiping a couple of tears from my eyes.  This brought me pure joy.  Had I been more technologically savvy I would have made Leah screaming “Amber!” not only my ringtone, but my alarm clock as well.  If at all possible, I would like Leah and Milania from Real Housewives of New Jersey to get their own show together.  More importantly I noticed that behind Gary was a giant blanket with Marilyn Monroe’s face on it.  I always pictured them more of a Betty Boop collecting family.  I mean, I’ve also pictured Gary dressed as Betty Boop but that’s a different story for a different time.

Later, Amber is trying to pack up her stuff at the crack den she’s staying at and her cousin, Krystle Meth, comes over to help her.  Amber just keeps saying that she misses her daughter and is all upset about it.  Uh, then why doesn’t she go an see her? If memory serves me right there are buses in Landford that can easily take her to see Leah and I’m sure the exercise won’t kill her.  It’s not like she lives in a different country.  Plus she can stop for a loose meat sandwich on the way if she were to get hungry.  Loose Meat.  I bet that was Gary’s high school nickname.  And, Jesus, what is up with the Marilyn Monroe junk everywhere?  Anyone notice the pillow in the background?  Seriously, stop shopping in the Harriet Carter catalog. Boop Boop-a-Doop!

Beside Leah yelling “Amber!” the highlight of the entire episode takes place next.  Gary is heading out for a night of partying with his friends, Moe, Larry, and Jobless.  Before he even gets into “da club” he chats up some girls by saying, “Hi! Don’t you ladies look fine.  I’m Gary!”  They looked at him like they could catch both obesity and Type II Diabetes just be standing across from him.  Personally, I love Gary’s club attire which consists of a Member’s Only jacket, that’s about to bust at the shoulders and turn into a Member’s Only vest, and his standard AERO t-shirt underneath.  Gary owns this club and is “sexy-dancing” in the middle of a group of people all whilst chugging a beer and literally trying to hold his head onto his neck.  Dance it out Gary, you fat son-of-a-b*tch!  Dance!  He owned that lower middle class over weight mosh pit.  Owned it.

But, my friends, this whole episode can’t just be Gary partying his ass off (as there is a lot of ass) because the next day is Leah’s birthday party and he is hungover as hell.  He’s bragging to his friends that he was drunk and dancing with girls.  Oh wow, girls!  Like, real-life girls?  You lucky dog!  I mean, technically Gary is so large that they were dancing near him by default as if they wanted actual space to dance by themselves they’d have to head out into the parking lot.  Regardless, Gary is too hungover to clean the ski chalet for Leah’s birthday party and there are Big Gulps, trash, and packages of condoms all over the place.  Gross.  At one point, Leah just picks up the 3 pack of condoms and starts running around with them.  Clearly her surprise of “balloons” is ruined.  Eh, they might as well start the safe sex talk with her now because there’s certainly a “track record” with this family.  Gary’s hot sex on a platter mom comes over and is pissed that Gary didn’t get the chalet ready for the party at all so she sent him out to get some food.  Spoiler Alert:  He misses most of the party as he’s eating fast food in his car and saying that greasy food makes you feel better.  He should drink butter.

Leah’s birthday party was everything I could wish for and less.  It consisted of the kids from the United Colors of Benetton standing in a circle and then just handing Leah balloons that were already in the house and saying, “happy birthday Leah.”  Nice try, brats, but where are your real gifts you cheap bastards!  Plus, why didn’t anyone bring their skis?  Amber is lucky enough to not be there, but she still gets to watch Leah blow out her birthday candles via video text message that Gary sends to her.  Why didn’t she just go to the party and bust through the wall like the Kool Aid man?  So dumb.

In the end, Amber picks up Leah with Krystle Meth to take her out for a birthday dinner.  She yells at Gary for partying the night before but in actuality she should have been pleased that he was he doing any form of exercise at all.  I’m almost certain that when he was dancing he was mouthing the words, “Is this Zumba?”  After a wondrous dinner for Leah at a Mexican restaurant Amber brings her back to the meth lab and places her in the unmade bed with all clothes and trash in it like she’s Oscar the God-Damn Grouch.  She even kept Leah in her clothes and jacket so that’s cool.  Might as well get her used to what it’ll be like to be homeless and sleeping on the streets.  Start ’em young!  While Leah slumbers, Amber and Krystle Meth put on tutus and spin around the living room and dancing.  No joke.  Eh, I’m sure Leah wouldn’t enjoy taking part in “dress up” and “dancing” anyway.  I think the Mexican restaurant was enough fun for any 2 year old.

Catelynn – Spoiler Alert:  Catelynn’s segment was a complete downer.  Ugh, if Butch and April aren’t in it they totally lose me.  I mean, Catelynn doesn’t even have her braces anymore for me to make fun of!  Anyforeheads, we learn that Catelynn will be going back to the adoption retreat and is telling Tyler’s mom, Kim, all about it.  Me gusta Kim.  I like her even though in this episode she apparently cut her own bangs and retired the can of moose, which is just kind of rude I think.  Luckily she’s still sporting her blazer and stretched out turtleneck so it’s not a complete loss.

This time around Cate brings her friend, Paige, to this retreat.  Paige is another girl who sold her kid to another family.  Paige would basically be the Snooki of this show and kind of has the Quizzno’s mascots teeth so, well, she has that going for her.  I wonder if there’s a retreat for girls who are on a reality show about Teen Mom’s but don’t actually have the kids to be on said show.  I’ll look into that.  Maybe there’s even a retreat for loser bloggers who recap these shows.  I feel like I need a good ugly cry.

There’s not a hell of a lot that goes on here.  Everyone tells their name and their stories like they’re at an AA meeting.  Speaking of which, my God, I miss Butch and April.  Paige opens up (not literally) and gives a talk about the parents who adopted her baby and how great they are and how involved they keep Paige in the baby’s life.  She even says they send pictures to her mom’s email account.  Her moms?  Is this chick too young to have an email account, but not too young to have  a baby?  The junk emails, alone, that I get about condoms and birth control could have really come in handy for poor old Quizzno’s Paige.  Catelynn starts to cry when she talks about Brandon and Teresa because she’s afraid that they’re going to close her adoption.  I’m afraid of Gary closing the fridge so, well, I know exactly how she feels.  Exactly.

In the end Paige and Catelynn have a talk out on the porch about how they’re really still moms but in different ways.  You know, like, the way without the actual kids.  It’s kinda like I’m a millionaire, but without the money.  I’m still a millionaire though.  Same same.

Maci – So.  Maci was on the show tonight.  Yup.  She was there.  Kyle was there.  We were forced to see Bint-Lee’s ass again.  Just by watching that scene you are now forced to register as a Level II sex offender so, well, go introduce yourself to your neighbors.  Go on, I’ll wait.  The cameras were allowed in the classroom of one of Maci’s journalism classes where she had to critique someone’s paper.  I believe her feedback was, “You should have written with more attitude to get your point across.”  The kid looked pissed and you know his feedback would have been, “Skank, commit to a hair color.”

Apparently Ryan doesn’t know that Maci and Kyle are living together…in sin.  Who cares?  Evidently we’re supposed to.  Ryan’s mom picks up Bint-Lee at Maci’s and Kyle just stands there like a stunned albino puppet waiting for a hand to reach up his shirt and make him talk.  I love how Ryan’s mom is the Gladys Kravitz of this show. She can’t wait to get home and during dinner she spills the beans to Ryan that Kyle was at the house and wanted to know if they were living together.  She even asks if there is anything Ryan can do about it and, once again, he just simply says, “Court.”  Court.  It seems like a magical place that just solves your problems for you.  I should try out “this court” and see if I can lead a happier life.

Later after other boring stuff happens, Maci and Kyle drop off Bint-Lee at Ryan’s house.  Per usual, Ryan lets out a giant yawn, just for us! I actually don’t blame him.  It must be exhausting being in your 20’s, being unemployed, living with your parents, and sitting in their garage all day.  I get tired just watching him do it!  He ends up asking Maci if she and Kyle are living together and then gets all fidgety when Maci gives him the answer.  I felt bad.  This is just how Ross felt when Rachel started dating Joshua.  It was tough for all of us.  Meanwhile, back in the car Kyle is pitching a fit and doesn’t even want to kiss Maci because he’s so pissed at their situation.  Is he sure there isn’t more to not wanting to kiss her?  Like, mouth zits for instance?

This crew, like Catelynn and Tyler this episode, were a complete snooze.  I never thought I’d say, “thank God for Farrah” but alas here we are.  In the end, Ryan’s mom asks him if he would ever consider getting back with Maci and he replies with a “no thank you.”  That was polite and rude all at the same time.  Just get back together for Christ sakes and maybe even be lucky enough to get your own spin-off!  Yawn.

Episode Rating: 4 Leah’s Screaming “Amber!” at the Phone

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