Time for another episode of “I’m Barely Still a Teen, but Keep the Cameras Rolling and the Checks Coming!” Overall this crapisode was a snooze but there are still some gems nonetheless. Bonus points of me using a 10 point word like “nonetheless.” Also, Friend me on Facebook by clicking here if you want to teach me new words because that, my friends, is what Facebook is all about. Oh and don’t forget to click the “Recommend” button on this recap so you can share it with you friends and possibly win $10 million dollars (Allegedly. Fine, you can’t).
Farrah – 1988 Spring Break is going really well for T*ts on a Stick and her daughter, Angry Eyes. In fact, with all the sunshine Farrah has even recently sprouted a brand new rack. I’d say the big move to Lauderdale seems to have really helped with Farrah’s overall attitude. I’m kidding. She’s just as terrible of a person as ever. Debra gives Farrah a call so she can tell her how happy she is that Miss Gulch will be coming to visit her and Farrah’s dog apparently takes a little bite of Sophia’s finger. Of course, Debra’s advice is that she give that dog a spanking to teach it a lesson. I’m sure they edited the scene before Debra also recommended that Farrah place the dog in a pillow case with bricks and then toss it in the washing machine and put it on the spin cycle, you know, the same way that Farrah was disciplined as a youth. Later Debra is calling in again, but this time on Skype, which is just as magical as you could have possibly thought. I immediately paused this scene so I could search for the trash claw and/or reflector vest in the background. Sadly, all I could see was Michael and what I could only assume was his balls mounted over the fireplace and our favorite Who smiling from ear to ear. If it’s one thing I hate it’s all the baby talk between everyone and Baby Goop. And apparently I’m not the only one because Baby Goop has some intense eyes going on right now. Full disclosure: I’m terrified of Baby Goop. I picture her appearing out of nowhere in my apartment and choking me with her pacifier.
The “next day” since Farrah has run out of people to interact with on camera she ends up calling her therapist, Dina (with the Kate Gosselin hairdo), to get some advice from her on how not to kill her family whilst visiting them this weekend. Somehow the call turns into Farrah complaining about how she is tired of cleaning all day. At one point she yells at Sophia to not spill her ice cream and make a mess in “her” house. First off, it’s not a house. Second, she’s like 2. Farrah should just be grateful Baby Goop isn’t taking a Shasta McNasty in the middle off the kitchen. Plus, stop buying dumb dogs and maybe you wouldn’t have to clean so much. No one wants dog hair in your randomly jarred pizza sauce. After another awkward phone call with Debra, in which Farrah gives her an attitude the whole time, it’s time to fly home. The airport scene is priceless and really sums up the dysfunction. Sophia goes running towards Debra and Michael and they just hug her all whilst Farrah walks by them and just goes, “Hey.” They barely acknowledge her and just focus on Baby Goop. Clearly they only like her, as do we. As. Do. We.
Once at home, Farrah finally gets her braces off. What did she have them on for 4 weeks? I mean, Catelynn alone had her braces on for almost a decade. Farrah shows us happiness for about 11 seconds with her new smile, but Debra makes sure to knock her down a few pegs by letting her know that her teeth don’t look all that different. Truth be told, Debra could have easily punched her teeth back into place with her fists of fury. I’m sure one day she’ll undo the work that the orthodontist did anyway. My favorite part, however, is when Debra (in her creepy baby voice) tells Farrah that she’s going to come and visit her in Florida…and stay with her the whole time…oh and, by the way, when she leaves Florida she plans on taking Sophia back with her. I love how she just slipped that in. The same way that Michael slipped it in 20 years ago and a carefree Farrah was born. Imagine “doing the nasty” with Debra? I bet she makes you dress up as the Grinch and yells out things like “Slice the roast beast.” Call it a hunch. Anyway, Farrah is sure to be a b*tch and tell her that she is happy in Florida and has found a babysitter that she kinda sorta trusts and probably doesn’t diddle and she’s never coming home again! If I were Debra I could have been like, “Is that a promise, skank?”
Farrah doesn’t save all of her anger for just Debra though. Oh no! She is sure to be a giant douche with teeth to Michael during lunch as well. He asks her simple things like, “So, how do you like Florida” and Farrah, of course, takes this as a dig and goes off on him about her never moving back with them ever. I don’t believe in hitting kids, although I do, so if they just knocked the head off Farrah’s shoulders a few times I’m sure she’d be singing a different tune. Suddenly I totally get why Debra punched her in the mouth and then ran for the butcher knives. In the end, it’s Farrah’s sad 20th birthday and Debra is dressed in black short shorts and some kind of fluffy top. She makes Farrah a margarita, which I’m sure she pissed in, and then slices up the cake all whilst Farrah rolls her eyes and huffs the whole time. Happy 20th birthday Farrah! It only seems like you were haunting our lives for 40 years.
Catelynn – Where the hell is baby iCarly? How come we never see Catelynn and Tyler’s baby? Oh that’s right. Adoption. They sold their baby. I almost forgot. Well not only is iCarly missing, but so is Tyler, April, and Butch. 5 words: Gang Bang. We are sans characters this episode but suddenly the doorbell rings and it’s Cate’s grandmother! Sadly for us she seems a little more put together than I would have thought. I assumed she would have (1) been like 29 years old (2) would have been missing 3/4ths of her teeth and (3) been hammered. She wasn’t any of those things. I looked up to the sky and screamed “Why God!?!” I’m kidding. I made a sandwich because this crap is a snooze. Although having Catelynn committing to her “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls/T-Boz” hairdo really does still make my heart squeal with delight. Why no one has told her to spout some bangs to hide that forehead is beyond me. And by “no one” I of course mean “all of society.”
Meanwhile it’s time for Cate to really move on from that pesky little adoption issue by talking about it for the umpteenth time at a support group. It’s technically a support group for girls who had to give up their baby but, let’s face it, it should really be a group for girls who weren’t pretty enough to get themselves married. You never really see hot girls giving up their babies do you? That one chick, who I’m shocked isn’t from Jersey, is kind of cute but she looks like the kind of girl who didn’t know she was pregnant and just ended up giving birth in a toilet during her Prom and then used the placenta to straighten her hair and head back out on the dance floor so she could backwards grind whilst giving duck lips and peace fingers to the camera. I mean, who’s going to tag the baby in the toilet on Facebook? See, I do really care about others. Anyfetus, Cate’s grandmother was there to show her support and, more importantly, get some free pizza and sit on a metal folding chair in a room with terrible lighting. From the forehead alone you know she’s not the mother of April. This just helps prove my theory that April was born in the woods and was raised by the Unibomber. Allegedly.
The Adoption Bobbsey Twins are there to make sure all the girls know that they didn’t technically give up their babies for adoption they simply “placed them” with other families. That’s nice. Um. Technically half of you handed your babies over to some white-folk in the parking lot of the hospital because “the whites” are in high demand in the baby buying category. Oh, and there’s some other “nana” in the crowd who wants her own support group. I was pretty sure it was legit Barb in a fright wig “crashing the paaaaahty” but then she spoke and I quickly realized she was from one of those states that I was almost certain we sold to Sweden in exchange for more blonds. Near nana was some other chick who was freaking the F out because she wants to give her baby up for adoption but is afraid of how she’s going to feel about it. Way to be proactive, Trampy McPointless-Stretchmarks! I say, what’s the point? It’s like paying for 4 years of college and never going. Or it’s like buying $210.00 worth of roofies and then never going to “da club.” It just doesn’t make any kind of sense. By the way, I’m sure while all of this is going on Brandon and Teresa are dying iCarly’s hair and sneaking into Canada like the Von Trapps on the run from the Nazi’s.
Amber – Our beloved Ambjikistan is doing swimmingly in rehab. She has barely killed anyone that she comes in contact with and her head seems to have deflated a size or two. Gar Bear and Leah are still in town so they’re going to visit Amber again. For “the poors” you totally know that this rehab in Malibu is like a mansion for them. Gar Bear walks around like he owns the place. Even his Husky t-shirts look a little looser these days. Fine I’m making that part up. His t-shirts still look like they’re cutting off his circulation. Anyrolls, Leah is spending the day in rehab with Amber, you know, just like you used to do with your mom when you were little. Amber is as happy as Carol at Taco Bell by hanging out with Leah and enrolling her immediately into a kickboxing class. I think it’s important that Leah gets strong and learns how to fight because she’ll be the one responsible for beating the bag out of Gary once Amber is doing her 5-year stint in the slammer. Plus, once Amber does get out of “gel” she’ll most likely go back to her old ways and Leah will need to fight off both Amber and the drug dealers like she’s a midget ninja. A midget ninja who most likely will be suffering from “the diabetes” before she blows out the candles on her 10th birthday. Maybe Jennifer Hudson can help her. I have no idea. I believe in you…you believe in me…
Later it’s Gary’s turn to spend some quality time with Amber and the camera crew, but first Amber needs to tell Leah that she’s going with the strange obese man to do some “eat eat” before she can spend more time with Amber. Seriously, I gave my TV the side-eye when Amber just kept saying, “You’re going to go do eat-eat.” Anyjunk, Gary and Amber end up meeting with a therapist on a puffy leather couch (drink!) so they can talk about their relationship and how things are going. Honestly, Gary can barely lift his arm high enough to get it around Amber and balance himself on the couch at the same time. The only good thing about Gary’s size is that it makes Amber look like the petite oriental flower she is. I found myself laughing when they were talking about the people who give Amber a hard time for being a bad mother and she just says, “I’m a good mom. Why does it matter if I hit a guy or have an attitude?” I stood up and did a slow clap all whilst grinning for a full 5 minutes. This chick has no clue. The therapist had to explain to her that none of that behavior is good for Leah to see. Gary explains that even with all that Leah is still so happy all the time. Uh, that’s probably because she’s hopped up on sugar all the live-long day. The therapist ends up giving them some helpful relationship advice to which Gary sits up (out of breath) and simply says, “Yeah that sounds right.” Um, of course it is you sumo-wrestler. She knows what she’s talking about. She doesn’t need you to confirm the accuracy of her statements. Oh, and STOP EATING! Damn.
Maci – No. Pointless. To sum everything up in one sentence…Bint-Lee couldn’t find his green motorcycle and Maci’s school thinks she’s bricks for taking 3,000 classes per semester so they stage an intervention and basically tell her to just get her associates degree because she isn’t smart enough to go for the bachelor’s degree.
Teen Mom Episode Rating: 1 Debra Doing Community Service, 1 Plain Old Amber, 1 Crying Farrah