Farrah – Last time on a very special Teen Mom OG (not the actual) Morgan Freeman and some other producers were about to storm the house Farrah is living in squalor in, very dramatically, and I’m very nervous. I almost feel like Farrah knows a little bit that the jig is up because she’s almost being faux-nice to the producers and invites them into Michael and Amy’s House of Horrors.
So…the next thing you know Farrah is having to sit down with the head producer to talk about how she treats the crew and dirty online cam shows. Farrah, deadpan, says that she treats people with respect that she’s given from them. Eye roll everywhere. The producer is legit like oh no you have no empathy for anyone else around here. And he blames The Big F for basically getting poor little old Kristen fired. Hey, at least it wasn’t Kerthy! God forbid. He also pretty much says that out of all the Teen Moms she’s pretty much the worst and most difficult. Farrah explains that she’s not difficult and the producer legit almost laughs (as did the universe). He tilts his head and goes, “Ohhhhhhh.”
Where we’re all really netting out on the issues is that MTV isn’t going to allow Farrah to film her gentlemen greeter on a a skanky web cam and still film Teen Mom. I say show your junk to anyone who will pay you in Bitcoin (is that still a thing?) and call it a day. Perhaps they can actually insert the Bitcoin into the actual coin slot. The jokes just basically write themselves, folks. Anyway, Farrah freaks and said she’s not going to choose anything. I mean, does that include a new hair color because this fried red weave is making my own scalp itchy.
Everyone awkwardly leaves after Farrah kind of almost kicks them out. The producers drive away, but realize that they’ll probably still have to call Farrah to get her decision. Even though I know the outcome, why am I so nervous? Also, how the hell many episodes has this season been?!
In the end, Farrah calls (not the actual) Morgan Freeman and decides that she thinks filming sexy-time web cams and the like is more important than filming Teen Mom. So she said she’ll have her lawyer contact MTV and then she wished everyone the best and then hung up the phone. She also said she was 26. Yikes. R.I.P Farrah. The recaps won’t be the same without her and DebzOG.
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Amber – Amber is planning out her new baby’s room and the theme is “THE WORLD!” so that shouldn’t take so long. Also, she’s in A Christmas Story onesie so, once again, I’m liking Amber more and more. Meanwhile, Gar Bear heads out to get the mail (sporting his Dad Bod t-shirt) and comes back in with the DNA results to see if that guy Jody (who looks nothing like Gary) is actually his father. He makes Kristina read the results and as she opens it she goes, “Well I’ve never read one of these before so…” Um, yeah, it’s still words in the English language so hopefully she can sound them out and tell us the results. Cue the Maury Povich music….
Sadly, there is 0% chance that Jody is Gary’s dad. That kinda sucks. I actually feel bad for him. Kristina starts to cry because she knows that Gary really wants a dad and now they don’t know what to do. Apparently they’re going to have to ring up Gary’s mom and find out who else she was dippin’ and doin’ back in da day. Is anyone else thinking Bill Cosby or just me?
I felt bad when Jody came over and Gary had to spill the beans. At first I think Jody thought it was a joke, but then you could actually see the look on his face and the color drain away when he realized he wasn’t getting any of that Teen Mom money. All the feels. You could almost see the little cartoon stacks of cash flying away. I have to be honest, I’d possibly watch an entire series of Gary just lining up local Indiana men and taking DNA test all the live-long-day. Who’s with me?
Later, Amber starts painting the baby’s room, but who cares? Let’s swing back to Jody. He’s sitting at some taco joint waiting for Gary’s mom, Carol, to show up. She does. And she has actual ribbons in her hair. Like, the kind you add to a Christmas gift when you wrap it. For real, it was red, white, and green. At first I was like, “Is she Italian?” But then I realized it must have been the holidays. Anyway, she sits down and immediately Jody just goes, “I’m not Gary’s dad” and then starts crying. The poor guy. He shows Carol the DNA results and she just goes, “When did you do this?” And then she just goes, “Well sorry.” That was heartwarming. At that point, Gary shows up and Carol explains it all away saying that she was a teenager and some guy basically tricked her and she got pregnant. Why is she so deadpan about all of this? Also, why is she dressed from the waist up like she’s going to “da club” and from the neck up and waist down she looks like she’s ready to work her nightshift at Walmart? I have SO. Many. Questions. Also, was anyone else nervous when Gar Bear showed up the the “restaurant” and there wasn’t an abundance of room at the table for all three of them? I began to sweat. Luckily, all was solved. It was basically like human Tetris.
Catelynn – So Cate’s still in “the hab” so let’s just breeze over her sad stuff. Tyler is all pissed off and not really talking to anyone so, well, that makes it hard to film. Ah, yeah. However, the silver lining in all of this is that Tyler’s sister Amber comes on over and I can’t fully tell if she’s on something. I guess that’s part of the fun of watching? Oh, and did I mention she brought her boyfriend, Billy, with her? Oh, and did I mention he’s fresh out of serving 85 days in jail for allegedly selling drugs? Oh, and did I mention that he’s is LITERALLY TETHERED to some device that monitors his whereabouts?! It’s legit an ankle bracelet with like a long rope attached to it. I can’t even pretend to understand. All that I do know is that Butch wrote Amber a letter from “the hab” asking her to go to “the hab” herself, but she said she’s going to give up pills herself and doesn’t need “the hab.” She also said that she plans on having babies and getting married to Billy anyway. Everyone is stunned. Kim tries to talk some sense into her about staying off pills and pot for 1 year before she doesn’t anything else and Amber just replies with “Fine, but I’m not using condoms.” I mean. Slow clap for this unsung hero, ladies and gentlemen.
In the end, there were more ‘alone’ scenes with just Amber and Billy and, to be honest, between them having their own scenes and Jody and Carol having their own scenes, I barely know what this show is even about anymore. Is this was ‘Lost’ was like? I’ve never seen it.
Maci – Is filming Naked and Afraid so, clearly, we’ve run out of story-lines on this reality show. This is basically like Inception.