Well folks, Teen Mom OG is back! Let’s just jump right into last night’s episode because you know how this all works. Ole!
Farrah – Everything is making complete sense in Farrah’s world. Larry the producer is back in action and ready to film until his backdoor explodes apparently because Farrah has ordered a Port-a-Potty be dragged into her driveway. I just assume that’s because either Larry has a case of the explosive cha-cha’s or it’s just new and innovative punishments for Debra. Let’s just all pretend Debra uses her old court-appointed-highway-trash-claw to clean that driveway toilet and just call it a day. A day. See what I did there?
Speaking of Debra, all seems well with her too. Oh, and by “well with her too” I of course mean she has some sort of zig-zag braid pattern going all across her head and directly over the tippity-top of her five-head. My guess is that she’s just wearing a mask and the braids are acting as a pulley systems that keeps her eyes and nose from slipping off her face. I mean, I’m not a doctor, but I once got a C- in biology so I’m sure in some parts of the world I’m considered like a really good surgeon of sorts. Either way, I love Debra from the bottom of my blackened heart even if she does look like the Swiss Miss girl and Cindy Lou-Hoo made sweet cartoon love and somehow sprouted a baby with really strong anger issues and quirky crying patterns.
Farrah and Debra are just chit-chatting like two school girls who just officially synced up their flow and we learn that Farrah is pissed (shocker) at Simon since he somehow tricked her into buying her own 14 karat engagement ring, never gave her the money, broke up with her, and now is nowhere to be found (outside of Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and Myspace). Speaking of Instagram, click here to follow me! I post like once every 16 months. You’ll love it. Anyway, I’m really surprised Farrah fell for this engagement money trick. Although, she did fall prey to your standard Craigslist scheme when she bought/sold a car to some spambot based out of Tajikistan. I guess you never really know.
Farrah is also keeping busy by flying out to LA so she can do her weekly podcast. Wanna know something? I legit have no clue how podcasts work. Ugh that feels so much better saying. Anydoors, Farrah’s first guests are her Teen Mom producers and they look as uncomfortable to be there as I am to watch it. She even takes calls. One woman who calls in asks Larry why he’d allow someone who’s done a porn to be on the show. Yawn. Farrah’s “celebrity sex tape” was so 2014. Sure I just stopped making jokes in the above paragraph but, still, let’s come up with something new. Larry tries to defend Farrah and as they’re about to hang up the caller just goes, “Have fun on your back!” to which Farrah replies, “Thanks and don’t forget my knees!” Then they all awkwardly cheers bottled waters. I have to admit, this is the kind of Farrah I like the best. She’s not fighting with anyone, yelling at anyone and able to joke about herself. Please go on record that after almost 7 years this is the first time I sided with Farrah. Also, please note I’m sure this symbolized the end of days. It was nice knowing y’all. In the meantime, friend me on Facebook by clicking here. Selling out has never been so much fun!
Later Simon is back (hopefully to pay her some of that cash money), but instead they’re looking at houses in 2.2 seconds. I’m not sure if Farrah is leasing or buying, nor do I care. It seemed like the proper time to say “nor.” Regardless, the house tour was a bust and we get our first glimpse at Farrah’s old ways when she asks Simon if he’s excited she’s moving to LA and before he can fully answer she cuts him off, talks down to him, and then says that if they both can’t talk at the same time then maybe she’s not the right person for him. I mean. How someone hasn’t snatched (giggity) her up by now is beyond me. #NationalTreasure
Oh and Farrah legit does 10 other things in this episode too including, but not limited to, filming her scenes for a low budget horror movie because, you know, if you get pregnant as a teenager this can totally be in the cards for you. She Facetime’s Baby Goop to let her see the set and intro her to the little actor kid who she says is the killer in the movie. Sweet dreams, Soph! Farrahs’s scene was everything I could have wished for and more. First because I couldn’t understand her line and second because she says it whilst peeling a banana. The only thing missing was if she were to break into a rendition of “Shoop.” Looks like someone is racing She By Sheree to the stage for that Oscar!
In the end Farrah invites her friend Jenna over to her hotel to shoot the breeze about Simon and that pesky ring/missing money. Oh and did I mention that her friend Jenna’s boobs arrived to the hotel about 15 minutes before the rest of Jenna did? Well, they did. The door opened (or her boobs opened the door) and all of a sudden a little blond woman with her rack-attack falling out of her shirt shows up. Good for her. I’m not saying she’s in porn, but if she isn’t it’s a real missed opportunity.
Amber – I was really excited to see Amber again to be honest. I was equally excited to see how that helium couch was doing too. In case that joke wasn’t clear, I assume it’s helium and that’s why Amber is always filming on it so it stays grounded. Ugh, I hate when I have to explain a joke. Anyway, Amber is doing as well as can be expected considering she’s still fighting with Gar-Bear in court about the custody agreement. Meanwhile Gary’s eyebrows are still apparently fighting with wax on a regular basis because they’re borderline gone.
Amber and Sully are still doing well. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that, but I’ve learned not to judge. I jest. I just haven’t read up since Teen Mom OG has been on hiatus. What I do know is that I think horses are going to have a lot to do with this season because first off we see Cate talking about them in some preview clip and next think you know Amber and crew are all riding them in the back woods like that episode of The Brady Brunch when they went on a road trip to the Grand Canyon. Hopefully this one doesn’t end with Amber and Sully missing and Gary being forced to eat hot dogs and beans out of a hollowed-out flashlight. Who remembers? Who cares.
Either way, you know who legit looked like she hated riding horses? Amber. Amber’s horse almost pulled a Countless LuAnn camel from Morocco and tossed her off. Amber eye rolled the entire time and Sully seemed checked out since he got that call that a “news story” was about to break that centered around him “allegedly” getting some girl from his past pregnant five months after he met her on social media and then broke up with her never to be heard from again. It’s the oldest story in the book really. Oh, you know what else is the oldest story in the book? That even though they fully explained it, I still don’t understand the custody agreement with Gary or what Amber has to pay him for child support. All I know is that I don’t know either of them, but I fully want Leah to be with Amber at all times. She can visit Gary once per week and as she gets older and she’ll just consider it her “cheat day.” Kool-Aid mustaches for days.
You know who else was back this season premiere? Amber’s cousin Krystal Meth. I need to confess something. I don’t like calling her that anymore. A couple of months ago the real “Crystal” contacted me on my Facebook page. She emailed me saying that even though I called her that she still thinks the recaps are funny. I gotta say, I love when everyone knows this is just all in good fun but now, like, I feel like I’m in the witness protection program and have been spotted! Either way, if this is my in with Amber, all the better. So everyone give a big warm welcome to Krystal! Oh and nice job with that joke about Sully knowing how to hold a baby since he’s had over 7 of them. I tell ya, breaking that 4th wall has really been life changing.
In the end, Amber admits she had a bit of a setback after watching some of the episodes last season and sunk into a bit of a depression. It took Sully a couple weeks to get her out of bed, but now she’s on some meds and starting to feel like her old self again. Good for Amber. Good for that bed. But bad for that couch.
Catelynn – I want to be into this Cate/Ty storyline about postpartum and weight loss as much as the next guy, but I just can’t. I feel like we’ve been dealing with this for 10 years. Even Tyler is back to discussing Cate’s weight while the cameras are there. At one point he says something like, “I don’t want no heifer” and Cate just squeals with delight when even the producer is like, “Um you shouldn’t say that.” Catelynn should have been like, “I don’t want no Eminem.”
The good news (I think) according to Cate is that she’s going to start Weight Watchers soon. I don’t blame her, I listen to what Oprah tells me too. I mean, up until 2 months ago I was certain I was actually in The Color Purple. Where was I? Oh yeah, Cate is going to start counting points and she tells us this while she’s inhaling quesadillas. And I’m so jealous. Those quesadillas looked awesome. She said it was only 7 points so I figured if I was on this diet I could have around 14 of them because I’d just assume you get up to 100 points in a day. Am I wrong about that? I mean, let me know the answer after I finish my 12th quesadilla.
We get a special visit from Kim this episode too, which is always a treat for both my eyes and ears. I love Tyler’s mom. Always have, always will. I just really want to know more about how she ended up with Butch and if she was ever dabbling in the drug world with him. I’m hoping MTV has a special around this. I’ll consider it a Christmas gift from them for all my years of dedicated recaps.
I totally almost forgot that Cate and Ty are buying a new house. Good for them. I was a little surprised considering their existing house seemed pretty big for them, but supposedly Tyler wants something with an open floor plan. There’s a z-snap in there somewhere. And I’m not sure if my math is wrong, but were they buying the newer/bigger house for around $73,000? I can’t. Do you know what you can get for $73,000 in New York City right now? A zika net. And I’m not joking. I mean, I kind of am.
In the end, Kim and Ty and everyone under the sun thinks Cate should wait until she gets knocked up again…at least until she gets her weight and her postpartum under control. Also, aren’t these guys like 21 still?! I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with having kids that young, but I am saying that there’s got to be something else out there except birthin’ them babies! I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not entirely sure Teen Mom needs to be 1 hour long. 30 minutes would be perfect.
Maci – got herself engaged after pressuring him into it for 2 seasons. Must have felt great.
Plus: Check out all of the best Farrah “ugly cries” of all time: