Wipe your tears (and your bums) because it’s officially the last episode of the season. I know. It’s like a wise person once said; “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.” I mean, they really do pave paradise and put up a parking lot. Anyway, we kick off part 2 of the reunion with Dr. Drew talking about Farrah…all while Hello Kitty sits there reading along with the teleprompter. Truth be told, I bet that’s how April learned how to read just five short years ago. Either way Dr. Drew and his t-shirt/blazer combo didn’t really have much to ask Caitlyn and, you know what, I don’t blame him. I’d be like, “So, uh, about that whole Carly situation. That must have sucked pretty bad, right?” I’d then spend the next 20 minutes just asking about the worst physical altercations April and Butch got into and then I’d just start measuring foreheads.
Cait seems to be in a good place these days and we’re all forced to think about her rack-attack when Dr. Drew asks details about how breastfeeding went with baby Nova/Avon. Apparently it didn’t work out too well until Kail from the other Teen Mom series gave Cait some tips and tricks. But that only lasted 9-weeks and I feel like Dr. Drew boob-shamed Caitlyn about that. Honestly it’s probably for the best. Sure the milk is supposed to be good for the baby’s growth and blah, but how much of that milk contained Taco Bell, Subway and McGriddles? I’m talking percentages, people, and I really want to know. I’d say it’s like 2 parts McGriddle to 1 part breast milk, no? Now I can’t be sure as I’m not a practicing doctor, but I did get C’s in high-school biology so I’m pretty sure that makes me a physician in places like Tajikistan and one of the Dakota’s.
It wouldn’t be an awkward reunion without bringing out Teresa. I was hoping just for once it would be Guidice, but in this case it’s the other reality-tv Teresa, the one who bought iCarly for a pack of Misty 120’s and a 6’er of Twisted Teas. (April drives a hard bargain). I am glad, however, we’re all finally over the whole “But we want to post pictures of Carly on Myspace!” debacle. It’s like, stop it she’s not yours. Teresa is pumped about meeting baby Nova/Avon for the first time and so Tyler sasses his way out holding the baby and yelling “surprise!” for reasons that are unclear to me even as I write this. By the way, is iCarly backstage? Because if she is and they’re all out on stage, my guess is that April has her and is about 10 minutes away from the Canadian border right now where she’ll pick up Butch (who’s escaped from the clink) and they’ll all finally be together, learning French and living in the fanciest roadside ditch in Montreal. But, back to this. Teresa is so happy to hold baby Nova/Avon and asks Dr. Drew if it’s ok if she asks to buy this one too so she can have all of April’s grandkids. I jest. We learn that Teresa also adopted another baby from someone else. I can only image how much better that open adoption must be. I bet it’s not even an open adoption. They’re like, F this. Close it!
The remainder of the time with Cait and Tyler focus on Dr. Drew asking them about Farrah. Ty is flying off the handle thinking she shouldn’t have been asked back to do the show because she did porn and blah. Why does he even care? It’s almost like, Tyler shouldn’t have been asked back because his mom had a tight perm up until one season ago and his dad had/has a braided rat tail. Live and let live, I say! I also say the fact that they didn’t beam in Butch via satellite is a complete missed opportunity from MTV. Someone let me produce just one of these reunions. I guarantee it would be a ratings gold mine. I’d have April and Debra and Tyler’s mom and Gary’s mom out on stage dressed in gowns like a Real Housewives Reunion and then I’d just poke them with sticks for 45 minutes. Good, right? To wrap up, Cait and Ty are still keeping baby Nova/Avon. I guess that’s the takeaway.
It’s finally time for Farrah. I feel like they could have given her a whole hour where she just sassed at the camera and Dr. Drew the entire time. I think Drew is the most excited to interview Farrah and I say that because I’m pretty sure he was at half-mast the whole time. I’m sure his ding-a-ling is also sporting a t-shirt and 80’s blazer. Two things about Farrah right now. 1. I think she wet her hair and then dried it by brushing it over and over again and then just hit it with some hairspray. 2. Is she wearing that dress that took over the Internet with idiots trying to decide if they saw blue or gold?
Dr. Drew asks Farrah all about porning it up like a real pig in heat and “the haters” and how things are going with Simon. I guess Simon didn’t want to be there for the reunion, but Farrah never really explains why. I mean, she does start to answer Dr. Drew with that tone that says, “F off you’re dumb” but that’s just like her natural dialect. Is that what a dialect is? I’ll have to consult with my “word-a-day” calendar. I can’t wait for June 25th! I cheat and skip ahead sometimes. At one point Dr. Drew starts referencing Farrah’s other reality shows she’s been on where she talks about “all the trauma” she’s been through growing up, but that she wouldn’t allow them to air. Once again, Farrah won’t talk about that but my guess is that she was taken to Diddle City growing up and/or that Debra used the trashclaw on her in her no-no-region. It’s pretty text-book to me. Plus she ended up in porn so, like, that’s a given.
The interview, per usual, is awkward because Farrah is a nightmare, but then they bring out Debra who…wait for it…wait for it…takes off her 80’s leather jacket….has pom-poms….is sporting a “#TeamFarrah” t-shirt and starts shouting “Teeeaaaam Farrah!” before she takes a seat. I’m sorry, what now? Debra was like the happiest Who in Whoville! Moreover, her t-shirt was homemade with terrible 90’s airbrushing and puffy-paint combo. Also, “Team Farrah” for what? Debra then tells Drew that she’s there to talk about hypocrisy…to which she then starts talking about Tyler….moves on to women who strip for a living…and then brings it on home by saying that the teen moms on this show should be coming together to help the strippers. I’m not even joking. I think some of that $8,015.75 liquid facelift leaked into Debra’s brain. All in all it was, clearly, the highlight of the reunion. More of Debra, please!
Debra, of course, does her trademark high-pitched cry saying that she doesn’t think Farrah loves her and Farrah is basically like, “Who cares, I have new boobs.” I did laugh out loud when Debra said, “People think my daughter is a porno star.” Porno. Funny. Words are awesome. Know what else was awesome? Farrah’s body language while Debra was sitting next to her on the couch. No joke, Farrah was slumped almost all the way over as far from Debra as she could be. I don’t blame her. I do the same thing when I think I look good and plan on cropping my friends out of the picture so I can use it as my default. Just me?
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Finally, they bring Michael out who has been backstage crying the whole time because, well, he needs countless hours of therapy. He, too, is wearing a “Team Farrah” t-shirt which I’m pretty sure was done just so they can both stay on Farrah’s good side so she can keep buying them things. Great strategy. We, of course, have to hear for the 15th time why Farrah calls Michael “Michael” instead of dad, but apparently now she’s calling him dad more often and I’m sure after a few drinks she calls him “daddy.” Another interesting thing we learn is why he and Debra got a divorce. Debra immediately answers “infidelity” when Dr. Drew asks. She was like Pavlov’s dog. I loved it. Evidently Michael cheated on our poor little Who. They didn’t say who he cheated with, but I think we’re all in agreement it was Farrah, no?
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In the end, Dr. Drew has all the girls on the stage one last time and tries to mend fences. Maci apologizes to Farrah for being lame and Farrah robotically accepts her apology. They try to lure Amber into this nightmare and she wants no part of it. I don’t blame her. She just needs to focus on Sully and why she cried when the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man decided to have a baby with someone else. They all decide to be friends and Amber teases that maybe more will happen if there’s another season. Oh I’m sure there will be. If MTV were smart they’d have a season where all the Teen Moms and Teen Dads lived in a house together for 3 months and had their lives taped. We’d watch what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real. Real Moms. Trailer Park!
Plus: A new season of Teen Mom 2 starts in July! In the meantime, check out some of Barb’s best quotes below:
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