Well, well, well. Well here we are again. Looks like we all fell off the Teen Mom wagon and we come together to get the help we need. Luckily IBBB is a trained professional who can get us through these difficult times. I have no clue what I’m saying. Either way, Teen Mom OG is official back! I added the exclamation point at the end of that sentence because it’s the only way I can fake the excitement. How the hell long has this series been on for? I feel like this first episode is going to be centered around Farrah collecting her first social security check. Let’s dig right in to the one hour show that, with 200 commercials, really brings it down to about 26 minutes of footage.
Caitlyn – Praise the male God, BUTCH IS BACK! I haven’t been this excited about someone getting out of prison since the end of My Cousin Vinny. Sorry, spoiler alert. It’s been a long four years in the slammer, but Tyler’s ‘dad’ is about to be released from the slammer-lammer-ding-dong. Tyler and Cait are so excited because this means he can go to their wedding (yawn) and meet their iCarly replacement. It also means that there will be more for them to talk about so Tyler can focus less on fat-shaming Caitlyn for barely fitting into her wedding dress. Looks like there’s a new elephant in the room. Too soon? I jest.
Butch being released from jail is the talk of the town and by “the town” I of course mean April’s House of Relapses. When all of a sudden April entered the scene I found myself squealing with delight. I also was able to blow out that prayer candle that’s been lit in my apartment since 2014. April, per usual, looks like a fresh morning dew…on a brand new day. I won’t even comment on the fact that it looked like she had the kind of black and blues under both eyes that start off yellow in color to which you’re thinking, “Oh this doesn’t look that bad” and then two days later they’re both purple. You know the ones. You’ve burnt the roast for your husband on more than one occasion. Don’t pretend you haven’t. Anyeyes, April is trying to play it cool and pretend it’s not a big deal that Butch is getting out soon. We know she’s trying to play it cool because she starts off her conversation with Caitlyn with the phrase that pays, ‘What’s up kid?” She’s so street. April seems like she’s in a good place (I mean, not living-wise) and just thinks it will be awkward to run into Butch but she’s not afraid of falling in love with him again because she’s married now (again, again, again). See, now I hope for the opposite. I hope the first time they see each other, Butch is like, “I got off the plane” and we just basically pick up right where Friends left off. Who’s with me?
Back to Butch. He’s released from jail and it’s everything we could wish for and more. First off, when Tyler picks him up he’s walking towards the car with so much long and straggly gray hair that I thought it was the witch from “Into the Woods” (you know, the one that Meryl Streep played). Next thing you know he’s without his shirt, cracking jokes, and letting the cameras know he’s single. It’s like a Match.com ad right before our very eyes. He immediately ties back his hair when he’s in the car like a proper lady of leisure. I ponder why he’s so tanned and assume their local prison systems have spray tan booths in every other cell and figure that jail can’t be so bad after all.
Butch and Tyler immediately go to a hole in the wall diner for breakfast and Butch is so happy to eat real food again. I mean. We get to witness a tender moment from Butch when he starts to cry over the fact he was never there for his kids and was basically just a disaster of a human. I really think Butch is going to stay on the straight and narrow this time. I don’t think that someone who’s battling addiction and, literally, just steps out of prison after four years should go anywhere else but directly onto a reality show. Should end well, methinks. I just got totally British on your ass. Like, old-timey British. Ugh, I’m the worst. I actually thought Butch was going to make it this time….that is until I heard them say that he can’t drink or do any drugs for a minimum of 2 years and I was like, “I’m out.” I’m pretty sure he’ll be going back to prison before the commercial break.
Once Butch finally gets back to the house it’s almost even better than we could all imagine because all of his 19 kids (and counting) are there, including that one blond kid (I think his name is Nick) who looks like he’s been the same exact age since this show started in 2004 (or whenever). All the kids are holding up signs they made and they’re filled with love and terrible misspellings. Thank God I never do that. After he’s done hugging all his kids and finding out exactly who they are and what their names are he opens up a bag to give them all presents he’s made while he was in prison. I mean. Are you ready for this shit? Literally? I legit couldn’t believe it. I was like, maybe he drew them some nice pictures like he did for his son’s birthday card last season. Or maybe he made something in wood-shop class, which I just assume exists in prison. Nope. Out of the bag he takes out….are you ready for it….are you ready….let’s go….he take’s out actual prison socks that have been turned into stuffed animal-like creatures with rosy red cheeks. I can’t. First off, what? And second off, gross! Then he’s all proud and was like, “I made one for Carly too, when I see her.” Oh did you now? I’m sure that’s exactly what Brandon and Teresa would lovvvve to see….their daughter’s-biological-fresh-outta-prison-grandfather giving her dirty prison socks to play with. This show is great!
In the end, Butch is all concerned about meeting Carly at the wedding because apparently she’s going. I, for one, cannot wait for this! And I swear to God if Brandon and Teresa blur out their own faces I’ll sue them for something. See you on Judge Judy!
Farrah – This dish is back and better than ever. She’s had so many cameras in her face she doesn’t know if she’s shooting Teen Mom, a porn, or a deposition. Either way, to catch everyone up, Farrah is still the worst. Just once I want her to come back to this show and be like, “I watched the past seasons/my life and realized I’m the worst so I’m going to at least pretend to be a changed person.” Nope, she’s still the devil’s boobs on wheels. Picture it.
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This time around Farrah has broken up with Simon, her boyfriend from last season who I’m pretty sure hated her as much as we all did, and Sophia is looking all over the house for him. I couldn’t figure out why Sophia does all these weird baby voices and then flips a switch and gets demonic, but then I recalled that that’s who Farrah and Debra talk to each other and her. She barks orders like, “You take me with you” while venom shoots from her eyes. Farrah reminds us that she does in fact have friends so she invites Paola over who looks like she’s just finished a round of “bobbing for dicks in a dumpster.” Basically, she’s camera ready. We learn that apparently Simon doesn’t want much to do with her, but since cameras are rolling and he’s in town he’s looking to meet up with Farrah so they can talk about their relationship from hell.
Once they meet up Farrah, per usual, talks to Simon like he’s an idiot and then is surprised when he’s all shut down as they sit o a park bench. It’s so awkward to watch. I mean, it’s really really awkward. I’m talking, I’d rather watch that scene from 16 and Pregnant when Farrah is giving birth and then apologizes (on camera) to the doctors for having to look at her vagina. It’s like, where’s our apology for having to see it in Backdoor Teen Mom? A simple “sorry about that” will make us all feel better. And don’t pretend you didn’t see it, Google it, have nightmares about it.
Later Farrah flies out to San Diego to go to a wedding that Simon will be at. Camera’s aren’t allowed but the next day in Farrah’s hotel room we see that Simon have her about 6 dozen roses in 6 different vases. Basically, I’m assuming these were just the centerpieces at the wedding and Farrah stole them and is pretending they’re from him. I’m also pretty sure they banged after the wedding. Either way, they meet up for dinner to, once again, talk about their relationship and it goes horrible. She’s yelling at him and he’s shutting down again. At one point he calls Sophia “that kid” and Farrah freaks out. Honestly, she’s the worst. Although bonus points (?) for the tooth fairy giving Baby Goop $600 for her tooth she lost. Perfect, she can use that money for a new mouth when she’s older because she’s going to need it.
Amber – It’s kind of same-old-same-old with Amber to kick off the season. Well, she did buy a new house but other than that she’s still with Matt, the 50 year old from Boston with a worse accent than me, and she’s still talking about trying to get 50-50 custody of Leah. Leah is a fickle little girl and half the time she wants to be with Amber and the other half of the time she’s trash talking her to Gary. Gary has looked like he lost some weight this season. I’m kidding. I have a new 4K TV and it looks like he’s gained some weight and I’m pretty sure I can see him digesting his food. #Technology
Leah is heading off the Disney World with Gary and his family and Amber is left to do the regular things like sit on the couch and go visit a lawyer to talk about custody. I have to admit, I think Amber really has herself together. I thought it last season and I already think it again. What makes me nervous is the fact that she says past doctor’s have said she has bi-polar disorder, but she won’t take medication for it because she’s afraid of taking prescription meds again. There’s gotta be someone who can help her balance that. Plus, are there pills out there that can help get her off the couch? I mean, maybe just get rid of the couch? Like, stand up all the time. Plus, think about it, if she gets rid of the couch that’s just one more thing she can push down the stairs at Gary when he starts sassin’.
It was odd seeing Leah not want to be with Amber once she got back from Disney, so Gary took her home and we catch her talking smack about Amber back in the car. Oh no you didn’t! Later we find out from Leah, when talking to Amber, that she barely saw Gary at Disney because he didn’t do anything with them in the park. I mean, who’s surprised? I can’t picture Gary running around Disney in the heat, plus, no offense but what rides is he going to be able to fit on? I’m not even kidding, like it’s a thing. I don’t blame him…it would be too embarrassing. Either way, I want to see home footage of that trip.
Maci – Had a baby and did a mud run while Ryan went full grey.