Some people are sick of Teen Mom, but not me. Nope. I say keep ’em coming. I mean what else do I have going on? This week we get to see Leah make Amber feel like the poop emoji, Cate decides to pig it up, Debra dresses like the Easter bunny (because I think she actually is), and Farrah shows Simon her love…by yelling at him on camera. Let’s go!
Farrah – Things are off to a great start for Farrah. It’s Easter time and she’s dressed like that giant bag of potpourri that your mom used to have on the dining room table for all of the 90’s. Moreover, Baby Goop is not having any of the Easter celebration including, but not limited to, putting on her dress. Farrah starts yelling at her behind closed doors and then tells Debra to come and get her because she “doesn’t have time for any of this.” That may not be a direct quote. I’m not really sure how any of that works. Anyway, Goop then takes the step-stool that’s in the kitchen, runs across the floor, and then charges the closed door that Farrah is behind. Slow clap. I legit out loud said, “Ohhhh Goop you’re gonna get the court-ordered-trash-claw from Debra!” Let alone the knife work Debra will do to her! Needless to say, Farrah is less then pleased by the way that Baby Goop is not getting dressed and staring out the window like a zombie about to take a golf club to the head. Farrah is so mad that she actually says to Debra, “Well it’s not my fault if Sophia is too stupid to get dressed.” Well and there you have it. I mean let’s leave the verbal abuse for off camera, you know, like the rest of us growing up. Yeesh. Who wants to watch that back one day?! Besides me.
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Later, after what I assume is a successful exorcism, Sophia is in her Easter dress and ready for an Easter egg hunt after they pick up Simon from the airport. Oh, and after Farrah tells Simon to shut the F up in the car after he says that there’s traffic because it’s Easter weekend. I’m sure Jesus is smiling down on her at this very moment. Anyway, the Easter egg hunt goes off without a hitch…or whatever that dumb saying is. Farrah is mad at Simon for not really taking part in the Easter egg hunt, but on the bright side we get to meet Michael’s new girlfriend and her hair so there’s that. The kids all have fun finding eggs and Farrah has a blast taking out 20+ years of anger by beating the absolute bag out of an Easter bunny pinata. Sure she almost also killed Michael’s girlfriend with the pinata stick and, sure, she almost killed Baby Goop by slamming the pinata into her, but all in all it was super successful.
Simon and Farrah aren’t doing too well, but mainly because Farrah is dead inside (allegedly). When she fills in Debra how she’s upset that Simon didn’t help the little kids with the Easter eggs, Debra gets all racist on his ass and says that he doesn’t take part in that because of “his culture.” Oh that Debra! Always building bridges. After that it was only a matter of a few minutes when Farrah tried to wine-shame Simon into drinking the wine that Debra poured him all while Debra had Easter bunny ears on her head and was making weird faces. Why was it such a big deal that Debra poured that wine for him? I mean, is she Jesus? Was it originally water and she turned it into wine? Hmmmm.
Farrah ends up storming out of the house after she yells at Simon for walking on the rug and washing his hands in the bathroom. What an animal! Apparently there are rules like this in Farrah’s house and if you break them you pay the ultimate price, which I assume is with your life. Simon actually did a decent job with not freaking out and ultimately Farrah storms off crying, the producer follows her, and then Baby Goop gives Farrah a flower…to which Farrah, literally, kisses it and does baby talk to it. So my question for you is, should I drink bleach or just pour it directly into my eyes and ears?
Oh and do you want to follow me on Facebook? Sure you do! Click here! And do you want to see all the boring stuff I’m up to on Instagram? Click here! Ok now that we’re done with that business, in the end Farrah awkwardly confronts Simon for basically being a “third wheel” at the party and pretending that he’s her boyfriend “or whatever it is you think you are to me” all while Simon looks at her like he’s trying to figure out which of the Who’s in Whoville Debra looks most like. Farrah just yells at him over and over until he gets on his phone and Farrah storms off (again, again) and places his suitcase in the driveway. If Simon were smart he’d lay down in the middle of the driveway and let the universe just make this decision for him.
Catelynn – When you decide to take a break from talking about the baby you gave up for adoption 7 years ago on television, you need a “Plan B” and I’m not talking about the morning after pill. Hey-oh! In this case, Catelynn’s Plan B for a storyline consists of purchasing a pig over the phone. Let me say that again. Cate is purchasing…a pig…over…the phone. Call me old school, but I just assumed you bought something like that on Cragislist from a guy that would end up simply murdering you upon delivery. Or from Angie’s List. Whichever. Either way, Cate is so excited that she bought a pig…but not just any pig. This one is a micro-mini pig that cost her…wait for it…wait for it…$3,000. So there’s that. See kids? Getting knocked up on TV actually can pay off. One day you too could have enough money to purchase cattle and the like. The thing that’s bothering me the most, however, isn’t the price of the pig. It’s the thought of Cate picking up the pig and then later putting those raunchy fingers in her mouth. Who’s with me? ?
You know who isn’t psyched about the pig? Tyler. Something tells me he’d be gingerly whistling a different tune had Cate just informed him she bough a hot-pink-tea-cup-poodle. I figured all of that should get hyphens. However, we should all be grateful that Tyler is in a huff because this is when we get to witness for the first time Cate’s cousin Jordan. Oh and did I mention he’s missing his front tooth? Because he is. Tyler is chit-chatting with him about the pig all whilst they sit on the broken down porch steps…and toothless. Why is simply watching this making me feel poor? I want to take off my shirt, sit on a plywood floor and eat beans right out of the can. Burp.
I’m not sure if I’m on an acid trip or if this show is just off the rails tonight, but it’s Easter and Butch is dressed up as the Easter bunny (praise Jesus) and not only are the ears on the costume all jacked up, but Butch has the bunny pants on backwards so the cotton tail is, literally, where Butch’s “little Butch” is. Hopefully Nova doesn’t want to squeeze it. Although everyone squeals with delight over Butch’s antics. As do I. As. Do. I. Oh, and Tyler’s mom, Kim (genuflect) has apparently lost a ton of weight, so good for her!
Later Catelynn and April (hooray!) get into the truck so they can go drive and pick up the $3,000 pig. Tyler calls Cate while on the road and asks “where the roaches are.” Cate explains that they’re in the bowl and April can’t stop laughing. Oh drugs. Such great times. And then next thing you know Cate says she’s going to just “cover up the camera” on the dashboard and then we basically hear her smoke a joint and cough her brains out. I’m not sure if April was in on that, but I kind of hope she wasn’t because isn’t she sober these days? All I know is that after Cate moved the shirt off the camera they were laughing and having a grand old time. When they actually picked up the pig I was pretty sure that April was going to eat him, like, The Walking Dead style. She just kept hugging the pig in the car and letting out this really weird laughing-cackle. I have no clue what’s going on. I typically don’t care who’s drinking and who’s doing drugs, but are you supposed to do that whilst driving? I’m almost certain that’s frowned upon. I feel like MTV is showing Cate some “tough love” by airing it. Good for them. Also, who cares.
In the end, Catelynn chases the pig around the neighborhood and is surprised by how fast it is. Exercise. Who would have thought! Folks, this really is what it’s all come too. Do you think the pig will be back next week? Get a spin-off? Try to call Brandon and Teresa? Tune in next week to find out! Actually, scratch that. In the middle of the night apparently Cate gives the pig to Tyler’s sister and she has a breakdown where she decides she needs mental help and needs to go away to get treatment…and stop smoking pot. It’s actually a pretty real moment. Perhaps the first of the season.
Amber – I hate to give a total spoiler right off the bat, but nothing really happens with Amber this week. It’s a bit of yawn. Almost as bad as Maci, but not quite. Amber was sick and had to head to the hospital, but none of that was on camera so they just referenced it. Sully is busy flipping houses all while Amber is busy trying to “get well soon.” They have their scheduled time with Leah so they decide to take her to a pet store to look at animals since she loves them so much, but they won’t let her get anything…so that’s awesome.
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Amber is basically an animal hoarder (diagnosed by me only) and once at the pet store decides that it really makes sense to buy a cat that was a rescue. Sully thinks this is a bit insane since they already have around 7 animals in the house, but since Amber is his meal ticket he agrees to “let her” buy the cat and one of those gross cat climbing house-things that are made out of matted down carpet and probably smell like the inside of Gary’s hat. Leah is so excited that she’s getting a cat…even though the cat will live with Amber more than Leah does. At least she can visit it every weekend. Silver lining.
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Later Leah wants ice cream as I’m sure it’s the typical time of day when Gary spoons it out of the carton, but Amber lets her know she can’t do ice cream this time, but will get her a giant one next time. Leah throws a little mini-fit and starts saying things like “you never pick me up” and “you forget about me” and the like. Amber is like WTF and Sully looks like he’s heard this from his 8 other kids in the past. Allegedly. Amber tells Leah that she never forgot to pick her up, but was in the hospital the last time so couldn’t. She also said she told Gary, but Leah couldn’t remember if Gary told her. This is like the world’s worst game of telephone ever. Ever.
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In the end (because, really, nothing happens and I may or may not have fallen asleep) Amber asks Gary about telling Leah that she was in the hospital and Gary “claims” he totally did. Amber and Sully call BS and I’m calling it a night. I wonder if Leah confuses the words “hospital” with “jail” and just assumed she wouldn’t see Amber for another 3-to-5. Too soon?
Maci – pregnantly planned her wedding.