I don’t always recap the Teen Mom reunion because it’s a lot of same/same from the season, but today I’m here for the good old classic fighting between Marilyn Monroe and the Real-Life Glow Worm. Oh, you probably know them best as “Amber” and “Farrah.” I sometimes forget you guys aren’t in my head. Either way, as much as I like peace on earth, sometimes I just want to see some brawling reality show smack-downs to make me remember simpler times when people would flip tables and become stars. This, of course, was all pre-election days. Hmmph. Oh, I almost forgot. I knew there was something. I’m also here because I saw a literal .005 second clip of Debra wearing a red fright wig and, well, that probably needs some explaining. Although, if I’m being honest I’d love it more if no one references it at all, like it’s completely normal. If only I were running this ship.
Anyway, let’s move things right along. Farrah was almost on her best behavior and didn’t tell anyone “God bless” or discuss “America” at all. I was pretty impressed. I mean, she clearly can’t stand Dr. Drew or his new grown out hair that looks like it flows in the wind if he were riding a motorcycle in an erectile dysfunction commercial. Moreover, it took about 45 seconds of Debra being on the stage before anyone even mentioned that Jessica Rabbit wig on top of her Who-head. Finally Dr. Drew brings it up by saying, “I gotta ask because everyone wants to know…what’s going on with your hair?” All he was missing was the z-snap with a twist. Anywho (literally), Debra informs us that her boyfriend, David, once mentioned he really liked Farrah’s hair and so next thing you know they’re walking by a Kim Zolciak wig shop and they bought the one that was apparently in the back of the store in the Halloween bin for 75% off (just like Farrah’s clothes half the time…hey-oh!). How creepy that the BF is all hot an bothered by Farrah’s hair. If she were 12 I’m almost certain she’d be soon filing a report with the police and pointing on the dolly where THE Kenny Rogers played a quick game called The Diddler (obviously based off the hit song The Gambler, but you knew that).
Oh, and I also loved how Debra legit turned to the audience and was like, “What do y’all think? You like it?” And LITERALLY NO ONE CLAPPED or cheered and she just gave herself a thumbs-up and goes, “Yaaaah!” What a beautiful nightmare. Oh you know who did clap for themselves the whole time? Farrah? She’s becoming more and more funny to me and ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. I guess if someone is going to support you it might as well be you. Later they bring out Simon to talk about that ring that he didn’t buy and a whole lot of boring things. At one point Dr. Drew asked Simon if he was a troll and then I suddenly wondered if I were one. I hope not. Unless it gets me fame or on the show, then I’m 100% in.
It’s finally the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The beat-down. Well, almost. Dr. Drew asks Farrah and Simon about how Simon said on Snapchat that Amber’s boyfriend, Matt, (Sully) looks like a pedophile. Layup joke. Amber starts clap-fighting back stage and then just walks out on stage screaming at them for calling him that. She’s pulling her dressed closed while she walks and, I have to be honest, I didn’t recap the reunion last week but Amber almost seemed like “the old” Amber for a bit. Like something is up. Either way, Amber starts circling Farrah and Simon and the producers come running out to intervene. I think it was legit Kerthy and I was so excited because then I would be able to profess my love for all things Kerthy. Kerthy. Also, Kerthy. Anyway, they’re having a hard time containing Amber and she literally swats at Amber (like, almost uses her hand as a fan in case Farrah was warm) and Michael comes running out, which means that Sully comes running out and then next thing you know Sully lunges at Michael. Farrah stands up and starts counting to three, for reasons that will never make sense to me. They finally pull everyone off each other and Farrah starts calling them criminals, etc. It was all enjoyable. Amber continued to scream as she was being ushered off stage and then even screamed at Farrah from behind the stage set and slurred about her “crooked lips.” It was a lot.
At one point I was shocked that Sully went for Michael, being that Michael is an older man, but then I realized that Sully has to be like only 3 years younger than him so all is fair in trash and war. It was interesting to see half the people on stage in a headlock…all whilst Farrah is still holding up her fingers to let us know what number she’s up to. It was at this moment that I was thinking, “Oh my God, THIS is why Debra has on a red fright wig!” I assumed she was going to come running out on stage and then someone would snatch that wig right off her head (i.e, Jerry Springer seasons 1 – 298), but, alas, no dice. G’night wig!
In the end, Dr. Drew tries to make sense of it all and Farrah sits there and talks about not wanting to get hit. Later they bring all the girls back on the stage, but Farrah had already left so Maci decides to give a 45 minute monologue about how she’s no longer on Farrah’s time and all three girls up and leave as Dr. Drew just stands up, thanks the audience and says, “This is reality and this just happened.” As much as I hate this show I love this show.
Until we meet again…stay in touch….