Farrah – It’s basically day 2 of FroCo and Farrah’s employee Kiana is having a real hard time with the can-opener. And you want to know who isn’t being so supportive? Farrah. She’s eye-rolling her way to freedom as Kiana finds herself in quite the pickle. Luckily, Farrah gets to chat with Michael about this since he just always happens to be around all whilst Baby Goop just makes evil faces to the camera. It’s really turned into a drinking game. Anyway, apparently Farrah is upset because Kiana had to keep calling her to ask her questions about how to clean the yogurt machine and Farrah didn’t like that one bit….especially because she kept waking her up. I’m sorry what time does the yogurt shop stay open until? 4 AM? Farrah doesn’t think Kiana has what it takes to clean machines for a living even though she told her, “Everything is “figure-out-able.” Farrah decides if Kiana can’t get her shiz together she’s going to “put her on probation and then never talk to her again.” Legit I need to know who touched Farrah in her naughty-no-no place when she was little to keep her mental state stunted at around 7 years old. Just point on the FroCo doll where someone played Diddles McGee with you. Oh and you should totally click here and friend me on Facebook so we can be Teen Mom friends!
Later Kiana (drink!) calls Farrah at home because she got to work early and wants to know if she can disarm the alarm. Farrah is annoyed and literally watching her on camera and thinks that she doesn’t seem like a happy employee. Do you think God watches Farrah the same way and thinks she doesn’t seem like a happy human? And by “human” I, of course, mean “a glow-worm with boobs.” Kiana ends up not opening the door for the “inventory guy” and then gets yelled at by Farrah for taking too long to cut the kiwi, especially because she still needs to take out the trash. Too bad Debra wasn’t there with her trash claw because at least that would have been one task crossed off the list. By the way, why wasn’t she wearing gloves to cut that fruit?! Gross. I’d still ear it. Either way, Farrah has to open the store in 10 minutes and wants to talk to Kiana still because “It’s not professional to not talk about things” so she lets her know that and then just says, “So I’m giving you a time” and then storms off. Is it me or does Farrah just speak in odd sentences at all times, always?!
There is clearly hell to pay, as we know, and Farrah is ready to strike down Kiana from high atop her frozen yogurt tower and send her packing back to the likes of Dairy Queen. It’s really time for F-Dog to have that much needed chit-chat with Emo-Kiana about how the yogurt machine wasn’t cleaned properly and, most likely, this led to the formation of ISIS. For reasons that aren’t overly clear to me, Farrah starts to ask Kiana about what happened with that nasty sour yogurt machine and when Kiana said she was getting frustrated because she basically couldn’t figure out the “click and lock” motion, Farrah began to ask her philosophical questions about how she was feeling on the inside when she couldn’t get it to work. She starts speaking to her about open-mindedness and the like and Kiana looks at her like she can catch “porn rash” just by sitting across from Farrah.
I’m not sure if the editing machine was in overdrive, but Kiana tells Farrah she’s never been mistreated like this before and Farrah lashes out with almost broken-english about being ‘mistreating’ and the like. She then decides to give poor (literally) Kiana the boot from FroCo and wants her to put her little singing-telegram uniform and apron in the back office because she is f-i-r-e-d. Actually Farrah says she is “severancing our relationship.” I was like, ouch! Kiana tries to argue back, but she’s no match against Farrah, who has literally been yelling at Debra since her very first sentence. Oh, and did I mention Farrah fired her with those sunglasses on? Because she did. Now I know that Kiana is still a teenager so….if….like…she can get pregnant on the double we may be able to see more of her in MTVs future. Fingers (and never legs) crossed! Oh, one more thing, she couldn’t give the pants part of the uniform back because…she wasn’t wearing any pants. Awesome. I wish Farrah told her to go home pantsless. Hey at least it would have gotten us one step closer to teen pregnancy!
In the end, Farrah explains to Baby Goop about firing Kiana and Goop looks like she wishes she could have murdered her with her bare hands. She also gives 6 year old Sophia lessons on how to fire someone in the future. Debra Facetime’s in (I wish she would Facetime me) and Farrah fills her in on the Kiana debacle and wishes she had more employees like herself. Uh, sure. I’m going to bed.
Amber – It’s another day for Amber, which means there’s another tabloid story that she’s dealing with . This time around Sully found out from his friend that there’s an online rumor that Amber was pregnant and had a miscarriage due to her drug use. Since Sully has to fill an hour episode he decides to tell Ambjikistan about this rumor and she is, understandably, pissed. She’s sick of how anyone can call a tabloid and sell a fake story. Ugh, I wish I was famous enough that people were doing this to me! Since Sully is equally upset about all of this they decide the only thing to do is ignore it. I’m kidding. They, of course, decide to go on the Dr. Drew Show in LA so they can “set the record straight.” Seems logical.
Before they can head out to LA, one of Matt’s 7,493 children rings him up to say hello. Enter his son Christopher. Christopher calls Matt/Sully (sometimes I forget his real name) because he and his girlfriend are fighting all the time and he’s struggling to stay sober. Um, how about a “I was just asking how you were doing to be nice” type situation? Who wants to get invested in this mess?! Since Sully can’t really think of any words of wisdom for his son he just decides to buy him a plane ticket to LA so he can meet up with him and Amber as they wait to annoy the F out of Dr. Drew. Oh, and did I mention that his son Matt also sold a story to a tabloid about him the month before…but didn’t actually get any money for that story because he was too high? Awesome. Can’t wait to meet this one. Amber looks like she missed jail. Oh, and you should totally click here to follow me on Instagram. I sometimes interview reality show peeps and take pictures of it. Yawn.
Fast-forward (because MTV did) and everyone is out in LA for Dr. Drew. Sully’s son, Chris, stops by the hotel to see Sully for the first time in 10 years. Chris legit asks, “So did you think I’d be different? Like, all strung out?” Awesome. Did I mention his son looks the same age as Sully? Did Sully legit have him when he was 9? I is be confuzed. Chris apologies for trying to sell that story about Matt to the tabloids and “wishes” he got some money for it because he’s broke…and basically a junkie. He also tells Amber that Matt “wasn’t horrible.” So there’s a nice compliment. It’s like a new twist on a Father’s Day card. “Happy Father’s Day Dad! You Weren’t Horrible. xoxo!” Either way, all is forgiven because…why the hell not?!
It’s time for Dr. Drew! I love how this is like a mix of the Teen Mom reunion and Dr. Drew’s actual show. I also like how Dr. Drew confirmed that Amber was NOT on drugs because he could tell by her pictures. Um, so that’s good. What wasn’t good was the actual show because they only showed about 2 minutes of it. The highlight was Sully’s son sitting in the audience (literally with no one anywhere around him) and told Dr. Drew that he said horrible things about Matt because he was on drugs. So there’s that. I like how this kids 15 minutes of fame is all about being a low-life. Eh, I guess it’s good to have a gimmick.
Catelynn – It’s almost Butch’s first anniversary of not being in jail and Cate and Ty want to throw him a surprise party…except Cate can’t really get off the couch and Ty doesn’t know what to say to her and blah. I’m already over this storyline. I just want to focus all on Butch and maybe toss in a little April for good measure.
I totally love that they’re having (1) a party for Butch because he’s officially been out of the slammer for 1 year (2) they made a cake for him that says “Happy One Year of Freedom” but it really looks like it says, “Hoppy Once Year of Jerudour.” See below. And (3) This “party” is taking place in a public park where you just bring your own hot dogs because there are apparently just, like, free grills in the middle of the lawn. I hope they bring their own bleach to drink when they’re done stuffing their faces because I’m pretty sure you’re going to catch something off those grills. Nevertheless, Cate and Ty are faux-arguing if druggies like to celebrate freedom or just ignore it (for real) and Butch shows up to the “party” and has no clue why Tyler’s grandmother is congratulating him. He legit says, “For what?” Oh Butch. Oh you, you you. You are the wind beneath my wings. Thank you, thank you, thank God for your rat-tail beneath my wiiiiings. End scene.
Honestly, the cake was everything I could have dreamed of and more. The only thing that would have made it better was if iCarly 1.0 or April popped out of it drunk on Twisted Teas. Alas, it never happened, but things did get emotional when Butch’s daughter texted him that she was sorry she couldn’t make the free-park-bbq-party, but that he’s been more of a dad to her in the past year than in the last 20 and he cried a bit. And so did Kim (whom I love), but those tears didn’t slow her down from showing that last hot dog roll down her throat. Good for Kim. I think that was her way of flirting with Butch. I really hope they rekindle.
In the end Cate teaches Nova how to poop on camera and Butch is so happy he didn’t have any violations in a year. Uh, did I miss like 10 scenes from Cate and Ty? Was it just the planning of the party and then the party and then that’s it? I’m cool with that.
Maci – Didn’t get pregnant this episode.
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