Well, well, well, looks like we’re all back! I missed last week as I was traveling, so let’s just pretend the first episode never happened. Oh, also did you know I did a video with Debra last week?! Check it out here. We all drank beers, wine, and she talked smack about Maci and Barb. Good times. Now let’s get to it!
Farrah – I really love that Farrah is back in our lives and by “our” mean “mine” and by “lives” I mean “lack there of.” Either way, it’s good to see her again. I hear I missed an ugly cry or two from last week but that’s obviously the price I pay for giving away free hot air balloon rides to Easter children. I don’t know. What I DO know is that right off the bat we’re introduced to a new character named “Nanny Fran.” Nanny Franny is an older woman who will be looking after Baby Goop when she’s sassin’ and frettin’ and when Farrah decides that Debra can’t be around the cameras which, apparently, is right now. We only saw Nanny Franny for about 6 seconds and heard her deep voice for around 3 seconds, but something tells me she’ll be a nice addition to the cast/my life.
Whilst Nanny Franny is chasing Goop around the manor, Farrah and her friend Paola (who is never not dressed like she’s either heading to or coming from “da club” circa 2006) head out to some rando place to drink some tea and some wine and possibly at the same time. Farrah was super conversational and not talking in a robotic voice like she does with Debra so looks like Nanny Franny is already spreading some sunshine from her umbrella bag all while singing “A Spoonful of Fillers” all the live-long-day. Anyway, Paola speaks of things like marriage to Simon and whatnot, but she kind of smiles and looks up as she’s saying all these things. I wonder who she sees up there? I was hoping it was Debra’s trash-claw mounted on the wall in the restaurant. Speaking of Debra, be sure to follow me on Instagram here and see the photo I took with Debra because, well, I’m doing the Lord’s work for you all!
Later, Farrah takes Baby Goop to potentially purchase a mini horse. There were a ton of them. I thought it was all of Leah’s kids from Teen Mom 2, but no dice. One mini horse kept sniffing Farrah’s bum-bum and she looked like it was just the cost of doing business at a horse farm. Meanwhile Baby Goop liked the white horse (racist much?) named Starburst. No clue if they’re buying him or just like having a Dances With Wolves moment. In other news, I’m 89 years old.
Sadly life can’t all be mini bum sniffing horses. Sometimes things get serious. Things took a turn when in the car Sophia told Farrah she didn’t want anymore “old nannies.” Welp, Farrah wasn’t having it and told her it’s discrimination. She then continued on to tell Sopiha they they don’t discriminate, they don’t “do racism” and “we don’t have hate crimes.” I mean. She then blames the world for making them like that, but fills her in to not be like that. Baby Goop is giving eye-rolls for days and Farrah tries to get her to get out of the car, but she just keeps jumping to different sides of the back seat every time Farrah walks around to the other side to get her out. It really was like a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I love Teen Mom hijinx. Also, did anyone else think that Farrah was going to go all “Debra” on her and talk about her “Anti-Christ-like-attitude?” Because I sure did. I was like ohhhh this is where the cycle is repeated. Buckle up!
In the end, Farrah meets up with Simon to go to dinner and she immediately brings up her old engagement ring that she bought and Simon looks like he’s already to quit the show in the first 2 seconds. He tries to rub Farrah’s back but she doesn’t want him touching her so they sit in awkward silence on the same time of the table. I hate when couples do that. I also hate when they have hate crimes.
Amber – It really is a brand new Amber these days I tell ya! Of course I miss the the old days of prison-Amber, but I guess it’s for the best that she’s doing so well these days. She’s even thinking so clearly, which is refreshing and scary all at the same time. Since she knows that Gary never really seems to let her take Leah as much as she’d like to she cooks up a plan to incorporate Gary and Kristina into their lives by inviting them all on a haunted hay ride or some such. Sully seems kind of pissed by it, but what’s he really going to say? He’s on the money train and there ain’t no upcoming stops to hop off. Amber called up Gar-Bear to invite him and he legit seemed surprised, but as long as there’s room for everyone on the hay ride he’s all in. This is where I paused my DVR to say a quick prayer that we’d see Gary dressed up in a Halloween costume (preferably one of the “Mutant Ninja Turtle” kind….or Little Orphan Annie, whichever is easier).
Something else I have to admit this time around is that I think Kristina is getting more comfortable on camera. Sure she still turns all kinds of blotches of red, but she’s much more conversational. She even seems like she’s confused when Gary says things at times, but all in all I’m liking her a bit more. I do, however, reserve the right to change my mind at any moment. It is a free country after all. I’m kidding. We are, of course, controlled by Russia. Also, is the Soviet Union still a thing? I stopped paying attention after 5th grade.
Later, the whole gang does in fact go to the haunted hay ride and Amber and Leah are dressed like cats. Everyone had fun, but they were dressed like cats so I was pissed.
After a grand old shopping spree Amber, Sully and Leah all head back to Gary’s House-of-Horrors and he’s just chilling out on the front stoop, dangling his legs, and have a great time. He was very “Kool-Aid Man” and that’s alright with me. Amber’s in her Jessica Simpson poncho and to my shock they’re actually having a conversation with each other. And, I mean, as Amber is talking Gary isn’t even flinching like he did that time she kicked his television down the stairs after slapping him upside the head. I’m kidding. She may have slapped him upside the head first and then kicked his television down the stairs second. I’ll have to go into the archives and check the tapes. The point is, they’re talking.
Leah’s birthday is coming up and Gary actually suggests that they have the party together. I would have suggested they have two separate parties and invite him to Amber’s because, you know, double cake and all but that’s just me. Amber is all for it until Gary says he wants to take Leah for Mexican. I assumed he meant “Mexico” so that Leah can help build that big beautiful wall Trump keeps yammering on about. Apparently Sully doesn’t like Mexican food, but Gary explains that he’s on a budget so it’ll have to do. Amber calls BS on that and just says he’s cheap, but to all our surprise we learn that Gary owns three homes on his street and wants to buy his fourth home across the street from him. Look at Captain Money Bags! Good for him for having cash to spend on multiple homes, but wouldn’t it be better to just buy one home and stop living in squalor? Regardless, Amber also spends some time asking Gary if he’s going to wear his “Dad Bod” t-shirt to the party and wants to know how many he owns. Now THIS is the Teen Mom that I like. Less about custody agreements and more about the pointless details we all love hearing about. For those of you who missed it, Gary claims he only owns 1 Dad Bod t-shirt. Amber begs to differ. I agree with Amber. This one is swimming on him and I certainly remember one that was faded and pretty much a Boys Husky 10-12. Oh…and Leah called Gary “rich.” Oh the poors! You let them super-size one Happy Meal and next thing you know they think their daddy is the King of England!
Catelynn – It’s same old same old with Cate and Tyler, except they’re in their new home. There’s a fake Christmas tree in the background which is odd since Amber and crew are celebrating Halloween. But that’s neither here nor there. I like to say “nor” because it makes me feel British. Or like Shakespeare. Basically I’m the Shakespeare of Teen Mom so there’s that. Anyway, Butch is finally getting out of prison and Ty has to pick him up early in the morning and he seems like he couldn’t care less. I love when Butch gets out of jail. I’ve literally loved all the times. I also love how when Ty picked him up he literally walks about of jail and into filming a television show and how they always have to have Ty pull over so that they can mic up Butch. It’s like a new reality show formula. Remember when they had to do the same to Amber when she got out of jail? #SimplerTimes.
Overally Butch is feeling really bad about being in jail again for drugs. He told the producers he was embarrassed and I felt bad for him too. Later he tells the gang that he just started snorting a line of coke and then that turned into a second line and third. He kind of tried to justify it by saying he wasn’t making it, selling it, injecting it, or cooking it. Who knew you could do so many things with “the coke?!”
Poor Butch. I mean that literally and figuratively, but mainly literally. He’s at Cate and Ty’s new home they built and he looks uncomfortable AF. I’m saying “AF” because I hear “the kids” are still saying that so I want to make sure I stay on track. Anyjunk, Butch is really all apologies of sorts about landing in the slammer-lammer-ding-dong for the 99th consecutive this century. Ty looks like he’s really over it, but Butch is going on a rambling tangent about how no one has ever showed him as much love as Ty has and then gets into times when his father called him “dumb.” Poor Butch. This time I mean figuratively, just so we’re clear. I don’t want anyone calling Butch dumb. A cartoon rat, maybe. But dumb? Not on my watch! I mean, I’m not wearing a watch but if I was.
Here’s the thing about Butch, I really want him to do well. I really do. I think we all do. How great was it last season when he was clean and sober and making the best decisions? Sure it wasn’t great when he decided to cut off his rat tail, but we all make mistakes right? I forgave him for that so I need Ty to forgive Butch for playing another round of “Daddy’s in Jail.” He seems like he really wants to be on the straight and narrow, but then was also like “I can’t promise anything” so we’ll have to see. I just want him out of jail so he can film and, well, if he grows back that blessed rat tail so be it.
In the end, Butch moves into Ty and Cate’s old house of squalor and Ty expressed his disappointment about Butch to Cate…all while he was sporting what I can only assume is a black leather t-shirt and Demi Lovato hat.
Maci – Did some stuff.
Oh and if you want to watch me interview Debra and hear her wrap, just press play below! BTW (as the kids are still not saying), I’m scheduled to interview FARRAH this Thursday for Facebook Live so be sure to stay tuned for that mess! I hope she turns on me!
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