That title is based on fact. Yes, fact. I’ve surveyed over zero teenage mothers and ended up with that highly classified data. I’ve received a lot of emails and the like from readers asking me about my take on our beloved Amber spending 5 years in the slammer. I’m prepared to issue a statement. Also, expect a national press conference on this around 4:05 pm. Check your local listings and by “local listings” I of course mean “drink a bottle of vodka and talk to me through your toilet.” So here’s the thing. I think it makes perfect sense for Amber (aka Ambuuuuuuuh) to spend 5 years rubbing naughty no-no’s with her future cellmate, Amanda Bynes (please note this has not been confirmed, but Ireaaaaally think it). First off, have you seen her interview whilst she is sporting her orange prison stripes and her makeupless facia bruta? Easy, breezy, beautiful. “Maybe she’s born with it? Maybe it’s Suboxone?” Those prison stripes are really going to make her FUPA pop and lure in the other delicate flowers that she’ll be spending her days and nights with (move over Molly Dodd!) on the regular.
As opposed to checking herself into “the ‘hab” Amber has opted for jail time and people are up in arms. I mean, in her defense the people who are up in arms about this are the same people who read this here site. To sum up, crack pots. And as the leader of all crack pots I’m able to say that. Apparently Ambjikistan tried to kill herself as well. So what? Who hasn’t? Just the other day I was all, “I swear to God if my 9th Stella of the night comes back warm I’m going to kill myself.” And you know what? I probably would have had my body not decided to shut itself down in a black-out-haze. Aaaah Summer, I’ve missed you. The point is, I can relate. Moving on. Regardless and irregardless of the fact that Amber is going to have to rent out her “gentlemen greeter” for a pack of Lucky Strikes she does have some real big plans for herself over the next five years. She’d like to get her GED (she’ll most likely beat Chelsea from Teen Mom 2 to the punch) and she’d also like to take some parenting classes. That’s nice. Toss in 3 square meals a day and “recess” and this is basically like an all-inclusive resort for “the poors.” Ironically enough, Amber will in fact be the Jello on the lido deck. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, whore!
Through all of this Gary will be taking care of Leah and my prayers will do their best to make sure she doesn’t catch a case of “the sugars.” I’ll assume they’ll live in the glamorous ski chalet and hopefully Leah will muster up enough energy to kick Gary in the ass and try to knock his television down the stairs, you know, just in case he really starts missing Amber. All I know is that I feel safer with her behind plexi-glass. But what confuses me is that she’s going to spend 5 years in prison. Did I miss the part where she talks about her killing someone? I’m pretty sure the doctor in the Michael Jackson (shamore!) case is only serving 4 years and didn’t they have footage of him shooting Jackson in the back of the head at Ford’s Theater? I could be confusing my stories though. My Social Studies GED is a tricky course!
At the end of the day, you know who I feel the worst for? If you answered “poor little baby Leah” you would, of course, be wrong (circle gets the square). I feel the worst for me. Yeah, me. I won’t even mention how this up coming season of Teen Mom is basically one big giant spoiler alert. Fine, I did mention it. But how am I going to be able to live without my Roseanne Conner for the next 5 years. Sure the world would have ended by the time she finishes her sentence but, still, it’s a long time. I am hopeful that MTV will take the high road and film an entire series called, “Teen Moms Behind Bars” or maybe something catchy like, “Girls Who Don’t Use Birth Control Go Directly to Prison.” Either way, I’ll watch it and recap it because, yes, my life is just that sad and pathetic. Anylashes, I wish Amber nothing but the best during her prison time. Sure 5 years may seem like a lot, but I’m pretty sure Lohan served 4 life sentences and was out in under 48 hours. If worse comes to pits, I’ll go to that gel for a conjugal visit or two. At the least, I’ll simply watch Amber “sexy-dance” from behind bars. Dipping it low now has a whole new meaning. Also, I don’t know what that means.
See You in Five,
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