It’s safe to say that this season’s Teen Mom is pretty much the pits. It’s also safe to say that I’ve missed a few episodes due to a self inflicted coma. It’s also safe to say that we’re all here this week strictly for Gary’s vasectomy. That’s right folks, Gary’s ding-a-ling-christmas-bells are getting a snippity-do-da-day right before our very own eyes. Let’s cut to the chase and, yes, all the puns are intended.
First off Gary is getting his vasectomy at what I can only assume is a strip-mall barber shop. You know the one. It’s usually right next to the Fashion Bug that’s still going out of business and, of course, a Pearle Vision. The guy who’s performing this ‘procedure’ may or may not be a doctor. I did hit pause on my ‘rot box’ to see if I could read any of the two hundred framed diplomas this guy had hanging on the wall. Also, where’s his lab coat? And can anyone just do this? He did seem to know what he was talking about. Not only did he pull out a diagram of a ding-a-ling (medical term), but he also used the ‘gift of voice’ to let Gary know that he’ll be using an elastic on his bits-n-pieces to make sure it stays out of the way. I assume he’d just talk naughty about his great-grandmother until his little Gar Bear retreated back inside his body. Is this was Obamacare covers? I’m not political.
My favorite parts were when this ‘doctor’ was telling Gary what he was going to do with his 9-piece McNuggets and Gary, literally, just kept smirking and looking directly into the camera. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it! I have to admit, Gary pretty much is the bomb. In other news, I’m 85 years old using the phrase ‘the bomb.’ I’ll just walk towards the light right now.
– Gary Inspired Dad Bod Shirt –
When it’s finally time for Gar Bear to head back to actually get the procedure done, I was shocked to see that MTV would actually be filming it. Why Gary was naked on all fours is beyond me. I jest. He was on his back with his knees up like he was about to get a bikini wax. Vomit on all levels. Next thing you know this barber shop doc pulls out some scissors that I was pretty sure were just left-handed Crayola scissors (you know, for art projects in 2nd grade) and begins to snip his way to freedom all whilst Gary just lets out a yell. I was waiting to see a dozen pigeons fly away. R.I.P to all the future little Gary’s that will never be. In the end, Gary said it felt just as bad as he thought it would. So there’s that.
Meanwhile, Cate and Ty decided to have a gender reveal ceremony in the park. Did we know they were pregnant? Imagine if she gave birth to a 10 year old iCarly? One can only dream. Anyway, they find out that they’re having another girl (Nova was really cute about it) and we learned that they’re both taking a month off and will live separate lives. Apparently they’re not going to get divorced or ‘change bank accounts’ like Cate said, but they want to see if it’ll help their marriage. Shouldn’t you decide that before you get pregnant? Eh, what do I know? I still hold a candlelit prayer vigil for Butch and April to get back together. I wonder how many months off they took during their holy union?
I’m also here for Maci’s new house. It’s huge! It’s not like it was even a huge house, you know, in the middle of nowhere. It’s legit like a huge house in a really nice development. It’s possibly the nicest house on the block. Once again, getting knocked-to-the-up when you’re 16 can totally pay off when you have a great audition tape and a t-shirt line. The only thing that makes me nervous about the house is that eventually Ryan will find it and rob them blind. Also, does it snow where they live (I’m not good with the map)? Because if it does, good luck getting up or down that driveway and good luck shoveling those two hundred steps that lead to their front door. Maybe Bint-Lee can do it.
Oh, and Amber learned how to punch harder, Cheyanne drank wine at her baby daddy’s mom’s house, and Bristol went salmon fishing in Alaska because that’s what all of this has come to.
– Dear Santa Please Impeach –