Farrah – How come almost every scene with Farrah involves a cooking class or a unicorn? I was getting a bit bored until the scene with Debz OG popped up where she had to call Dr. David so he could wish her a happy birthday. He pretty much cut her off, ‘yeah, yeah, yeah’d’ her to death, and then mid conversation goes, “I gotta go. A doctor is calling.” I mean, what could other doctors think about all this?!
Debz ends up talking to the producer about her upcoming wedding and then next thing you know she references Farrah doing porn some years ago and now spills the beans about Farrah doing adult web cam smut shows of sorts. I feel like that’s kind of like breaking news in the Teen Mom world because they never really refer to any of that. This makes me think that that might be the straw the broke the camels (toe) back. Poor Debz. She is crying and high-pitched talking about how even with all of this she still will help Farrah and unconditionally loves her. The producer is looking at her like she’s trying to recite the Gettysburg Address.
Later they all end up taking a class (another class) where they’re doing spread-eagle kicks on some silk sheets. I think it’s the same one Pink does when she sings upside down. I have no idea. All that blood rushing to their head must have helped because Sophia decides she is willing to go to the wedding. Cool? Cool.
Later, Farrah gets vaginal rejuvenation on national television because, sure, why not. She also says she wants the machine for at-home use. Truth be told I think Farrah talks a big game, but outside of the naughty-no-no-sex-tape days, I mean, who is she really having sex with? Starburst? I call BS on the need for it.
Welp, it’s really the moment we’ve all been waiting for. And by “we’ve all” I, of course, mean “pretty much just me.” Farrah, dressed like porn’s finest spokesperson, is really taking her sweet time getting ready. You see, she’s in process of getting her hair and makeup done and, well, it’s been taking over 30 minutes and the producers are pissed. Debra, dressed like the human form of a mermaid (jackpot) is ready and walking the streets until she’s told to get into the car and wait for Farrah. Apparently, DebzOG was trapped in the car for 30 minutes waiting and Farrah had no clue. Did someone remove the handles of the car? Because I’m pretty sure she could have just gotten out. Unless maybe there are childproof locks? Or maybe Debz was trying to use her old court-appointed-trash-claw to get the door open? So many possibilities, so little time.
Finally Farrah comes out with a new pair of eyes and sees Debz stuck in the car and calls over the producer to give her a hug. I’m kidding. Farrah is, of course, yelling at the producer Kristen for getting in her way and bothering her or some such. No joke, I don’t even know why she was all fired up. The producer didn’t know why either. Farrah basically pulled a Rihanna on Kristen, said she knows why she’s pissed, rolled up the window, and drove off.
Should I stop the recap right here? I’m not going to top that gif-screen-grab magic probably for as long as I live. Perhaps when I’m in heaven, blogging on a cloud whilst all the angles side-eye me and point towards hell whilst emjoi fire pops all around me. Anyway, that’s that.
Amber – I love how Amber’s ultrasound appointment is, not only, in a strip mall next to a nail salon, but also Dom DeLuise and Amber’s mom are both in the room with her sitting ON puffy leather couches. Again, it’s like MTV is making these episodes just for me at this point and I couldn’t be any more grateful. If you recall, Amber and Gary back in the day were always lounging around on a brown puffy leather couch because, well, that’s where they invested their original Teen Mom money. It was like puffy leather was the symbol of royalty. I mean, it is. Anyway, the ultrasound tech is (a) psyched to be on TV and (b) is pretty much like, “Yep there’s a baby in there.” Best wishes to all on the delivery. I assume that’ll take place at a private room in Planet Hollywood. Fingers crossed at least. I also love how we get to see Amber’s stomach tattoo of Leah right there as if we almost forgot. At one point, I was thinking that it was just one giant photoshop rumor circa 2009, but then, well, the proof was in the pudding. And by pudding I mean stomach. Also, I still call it the stomach even though the stomach is inside. I feel like a little kid referring to it as ‘the belly.’ Enough about me.
The tech lets us all know that Amber is having a boy and Dom DeLuise is wiping away tears because he comes from a family of all girls as was assuming it would just be a girl. Honestly, for Leah’s sake I’m glad it’s a boy. Hopefully they name him Leo. Leo and Leah has a nice ring to it. Although I would 100% donate my salary to charity if they named him Gary. Anyone else wanna join me in that donation?
Later, Amber and Gar Bear have a joint party for Leah’s birthday and they all eat pizza and paint emoji faces on a canvas. I think Amber licked the candle. And, well, that’s kind of all that happened. God bless.
Butch Catelynn – All of Cate’s scenes are really surrounding Butch going to “the ‘hab.” I’m ok with that. It’s basically like a 20 minute commercial for this place. Tyler and Butch have finally arrived to “the ‘hab” and to be honest I’m really surprised what it looks like for $48,000 (spoiler alert: the ‘hab decided to let Butch go there for free for 6-months since they’re, you know, on Teen Mom). Either way, I thought it would have been more spa-like, but it was more Howard Johnson’s in Santa Fe, New Mexico circa 1989. Just me?
Everyone there seems nice. They also seem like they’d cut you if you crossed them. I’m talking about that one woman who fills in Tyler that she spent some time in jail and used to be on drugs. She’s trying to be supportive of Ty and saying all the right things but the look on his face is saying, “Yeah, we’ve been through this 10,000 times already.” Poor guy.
Was anyone else on the edge of their seat when the worker was asking Butch what drugs he’s been on? He’s like, “I’m going to start reading a list of drugs and you tell me which you’ve done.” I was like, way to tempt him all over again you animals! We learn that Butch wasn’t into pills, but was into coke (lots of it) and crack (lots of it). He was almost proud. Eh, good for him. Even though there were some lighthearted Butch moments, there was really an underlying of sadness throughout the whole thing. You could tell he really wanted to be there, but was feeling embarrassed at how his life turned out and what he’s put Tyler through. All the feels. Do “the kids” still say that?
Later, the director of the place is giving Butch the continued tour, including his room and it was smaller than my freshman year dorm. Butch doesn’t have a roommate yet, but eventually he will so he throws his body down on the red twin bed to claim it as his own like he just walked into the Big Brother house. Butch is like a 15 year old, maturity-wise, and I’m ok with that. As he’s laying there he starts laughing and saying, “Well I just had to check it out.” The director, of course, asks him if he’s feeling alright. My guess is that Butch is on something as we speak, but I think that’s ok because you really should have one last bash before it’s time for Sober City.
I did get a quick case of the sads, when Tyler and Butch hugged goodbye and Ty fought and fought to not cry and then just gave us one big ugly cry. I felt for him. I also felt for him when I thought he had to pay for this and that it’s really so much money to spend when, maybe, if he could just manage his drug use better they could have saved a bunch of money. Or maybe they could have saved a bunch of money if they switched to Geico. I never know how that works.
Maci – Went to Ryan’s wedding. I think he was drunk. I think his vows were 4 words.