Farrah – When all is said and done, I have no clue what really is going on with Farrah. Just when I think she’s starting to make sense (i.e, buying a mini horse and not having sex with it) she decides that it only makes the most sense to go into hypnotherapy with Debra so they can work on their relationship. Part of me thinks it’s a good idea and the other half of me feels like she’s better off doing naughty-no-no with that pesky horse. My thing is that if you have to be asleep to get along with someone that’s the real problem. The More You Know.
It’s actually kind of refreshing that Debz OG and Farrah want to get hypnotized. Sure Farrah is yelling at her all the way prior to the procedure, but that’s just the cost of doing business with a Botox’d Muppet in heat. Allegedly. Also, I love how Debz always has a braid right across her head that says “I’m an Olsen circa 1996.” It’s important. Anywho, when they show up to the hypnotists office I really felt like they could basically film a porn right then and there. Oh, and by “porn” I of course mean “accidental sex tape.” You know the kind.
Hypnotism goes really well for Debz and Farrah. Neither can close their mouths for a variety of reasons, but they’re both sorta smiling the whole time. The hypnotist looks like he either wants to bench-press them or turn them both into mothers again for the 3rd and 2nd time, respectively. I never know how “respectively” works in a sentence, but I’m pretty sure I use it incorrectly every single time. Oh, also, is anyone watching Shades of Blue? It’s really good. Even though it’s J Lo “acting” I’m always drawn to it. More on that later/never. Oh, and click here to follow me on Instagram because sometimes I take pictures.
“The girls” feel like being hypnotized is really working and not that they were signing contracts in their minds the whole time. Even when the guy was like “visualize getting along on a movie screen in your mind” I was like, “They’ll both stab each other on that movie screen if cameras are rolling.” And I wish they were. One thing that really popped in Farrah’s giant head was that she now feels like she and Simon should just be “friends.” That means: No Recording Porn By Accident. Debz is so giddy that this is happening and that Farrah isn’t screaming at her for supporting the “break up.” I find myself looking at the clock and thinking “how many more minutes before someone gets tickled with a knife?!”
In the end Farrah meets up with Simon at some restaurant that serves her a giant drink with a flower in it, but that she never touches, and he looks kinda high to me. I’m not saying drugs, I’m just saying why so glassy pre-filming? I mean, I’d do it too but just sayin’. Minutes after they barely talk, Farrah pipes in that they should just be friends without benefits…like she’s ordering the calamari. Simon is basically like “Cool…where’s my check?!” They peacefully leave the dinner (everyone with their own doggie bag) and say goodbye forever…or until the next episode. How long is this season?!?
Amber – Wow, you know who always amazes me? Amber and crew. This time around she’s pre-celebrating with her friends who are just about to get married. Oh, and can we talk about them for quick sec. They’ve been dating for 32 years. So if math serves me correctly (which it typically doesn’t) her friends are like 50. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but Amber must be around 25. And Matt may be like 45. So who cares about age, but let’s all jus agree that it’s strange that her closest friends are twice her age.
I love them, by the way. I know nothing about them except they love/hate being on television. Either way, they’re all heading to Vegas to watch them get married because sure why the hell not? Can I tell you how much I hate Vegas? It’s so dumb. People LOVE it. I get invited by friends every year to go and I’m always like, “It’s the worst place on earth…after Disney.” No thanks. So not only do I not want to vacation there, I also don’t want to watch someone get married there. Alas, Amber and Sully go.
Sully is having some problems because he “jokingly” wants Amber to marry him right there in Vegas. He keeps almost forcibly shaking her head to say “I do” and she looks freaked. I mean, she’s also in a bucket hat, but that’s besides the point. It’s uber creepy and I don’t like it one bit. Ambjikistan ends up calling her brother (Booby?) to be like “So what do you think if I get married right now in Vegas” and he’s all like “Trash.” So she decides she’s not going to do it and Sully flips his borderline-toupee! He is SO EMBARRASSED by Amber not wanting to marry him randomly on camera and so he tells the producers that he’ll NEVER marry her because he’s “done.” I love that Audrina Patridge line. Done…done…I’m so done. Are ya now? Because I kinda think you won’t leave on your own due to the meal ticket and we’ll pretty much see you on Dateline in 2019. Anyway, he called Amber a “psycho” to the producers and then he called her brother the F word…and then told the producer that Amber really only wants to marry her brother. I say do it! They’d make a great couple.
In the end, Sully is a creep and Amber can do better. I hear the “wedding” is canceled and whilst I feel bad for Amber, I think in real life she’s making the right decision. Sully appears to be a creep and is calling her out on camera and that’s not cool. He feels like he’s being humiliated on “national television” in front of “12 million views” (I mean, lofty goals) and he’s kind of right…but he did it to himself. Good luck with your life off-camera. Sears will be great.
Catelynn – I’m keeping this short and sweet because, well, nothing happened. However, everyone seems to be taking the Bethanny Frankel approach to reality TV and trying to sell shiz on the reg. I say good for them. This time around Ty and Cate decide they’re going to start selling clothes for kids. Great. I hope they name their brand “Squalor” but I think I heard Ty say they’re calling it something like “Teria Rain” or something worse that made me red with embarrassment so I just started flipping through my phone to avoid the awkwardness.
Anyway, Cate takes Kim out for dinner, which I love. There’s not talk about Butch (which I hate) but they talk about the new “business” and Cate tells Kim she made her something for always being there for her. Spoiler Alert: It’s a frame with developed pictures in it. For real, who develops pictures anymore?! Kim ‘fake cries” and they spend time talking about the new clothing line. I laugh during all of this. Kim also wants to make sure that Ty and Cate don’t think she’s always on their case and annoying them, but Cate confirms she’s not. Does anyone know if Kim was ever on “the drugs” or on “the sauce?” I really need to know how she and Butch got together back in the day (buffet).
Later Cate and Ty meet with the designer with whom they ask how fast she can sew one article of clothing. She claims it’ll take her 30 minutes to sew one thing and they’re psyched. I’m thinking underage kids in China can do it waaaay faster than that and wonder why no one is bringing it up. Rookies, amiright?! They basically sell this poor girl a dream that she’ll be the Kathy Lee Gifford of clothing one day and she’s all in. As long as everyone just keeps eating greasy food who really cares, right? Anyway while all of this is happening, Tyler dreams big and says that one day they might be as big as JC Penny. I mean. Doesn’t that really say it all?!
Maci – Basically spills the “drug beans” about Ryan and continues to ruin that family on camera when they’re not there.
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