Teen Mom OG is back! I added the “!” because I wasn’t sure if the eye-rolling emoji would translate here. Anyway, here we go.
Once again I’m grateful to the trash boxes at MTV who made the decision to break the 4th wall and allow part of the show to be about, you know, actually being on Teen Mom. What would we even be seeing if we weren’t breaking down the aftermath of the last reunion? I mean, because that’s exactly where we are right now.
We got to see recaps of Mackenzie walking off the stage after she read her shaky letter to Maci. I still don’t know if she knew she was filming a show or if she thought she was on the phone. Either way, bricks. The best part, of course, was when she walked off stage and was greeted by Amber who called her the “c word” to her face and then sat back down. Mackenzie (is that even her name because, honestly, at this point I’m second-guessing myself) then had to basically try to get herself out of a maze of people. I prefer mazes of corn, but that’s just me.
Here’s one thing I don’t like to watch; Teen Mom’s eating kraft services backstage at the reunion. Anyone else nervous the meatballs were going to roll right off the plate when they were trying to balance lunch? In other news, I have mental issues.
The first half of this new season premiere was really just all ye old teenage mothers filming scenes together (minus Farrah, of course) and blowing smoke up each others bum-bums, you know, for the cameras and whatnot. I’m still ticked that after what is actually 8 years of recapping this junk MTV has never invited me to come and host an after show or a reunion. Would that be like breaking the 5th wall? I don’t know how that any of that works.
Once all things ‘reunion’ came to a close, Farrah decided to stay in NYC for a few days to celebrate her birthday. Another fun fact, Debra was actually invited to that. Another fun fact, I interviewed Debra a couple of days after that and she spilled “da beans” on all things Farrah. I’ll save those stories for another time/my E! True Hollywood Story.
Farrah’s birthday party was everything you’d thought it would be and more. And less. Paola was there and Farrah was busy caking on about 6-inches of makeup on to Baby Goop’s face so she could be red carpet ready and not Jon Benet Ramsey. NOT her. As soon as Farrah walked into her party she was greeted by Debra’s fiancé, David, and as he said hello she said “Are you being obnoxious right now or real?” So that went well. He just kept basically wishing her a happy birthday and then sat down two tables away from him. Also, why was he seated, literally, at the door. Also, bad hair for everyone involved.
Meanwhile, poor Amber (and I don’t mean that literally like I normally do, especially after we found out she allegedly gave Matt $90K to go to Vegas) is having a real meltdown. She, too, stayed in NYC because she didn’t feel like going back home to deal with Matt. Lucky for us, my personal fave, Krystal Meth, was with her to ask her all the questions we want to know and still show a little support. Amber did my favorite “Ode to Lauren Conrad” cry where mascara just ran down her cheek in one long drip. Ugh, I wish they’d bring The Hills back.
Over in Cate and Ty Land, the million dollar question is “where is Butch?” Apparently he’s done with jail, off probation, but he’s having all sorts of “the feels” and doesn’t know what to do. Cate makes sure Ty invites him over for dinner right then and there because, well, they’re filming and everyone knows scenes with Butch are gold. You secure that Season 7 Catelynn! This is just another reason why I feel like April should always be on standby and, well, if she’s off the wagon, so be it. P.S., Cate bought herself a horse and told us all that “horses are her passion.” My passion is alcohol.
Back at Farrah’s party, Debra gets a little sloppy and wants her to give a speech. Farrah can’t. I can’t. Nobody can’t. What we all can is the fight that David and Michael get into at the party where the security guard needs to get involved. Michael asks David if he has any questions for him and David says no and just tries to give him some advice about Farrah. Michael doesn’t want to hear that advice and they get in each others face but, like, in slow motion. The security guard makes them take it to the street and I’m kinda sorta hoping for a street fight circa 1980 where they fight and dance all at the same time (think ‘inside the garage’ during Michael Jackson’s “Bad” video). David decides to bring up Michael’s affairs and then tells him he needs to convince Farrah to seek therapy because she has a lot of problems. Michael looks stunned and David oddly flails his hands, walks a ways, and mutters the F word as he’s walking back into the party. To be honest, I’m very confused but totally pleasantly surprised. I hope we’ll be seeing more of these two interact in the future.
Meanwhile, Amber still doesn’t want to go home so she decides to go on a psychic podcast which, yes, is a thing. Apparently she’s just sitting there while a bunch of psychics say things to her. One says she’s going to have another baby soon while the other says she’ll get married to Matt. Amber is stunned and can’t believe how “dead on” they are. I mean, really? And where can I get a reading?
Amber finally did make it home and confronted Matt about being on drugs and he yelled into the camera that he did relapse this year, but he flushed the rest of the drugs down the toilet. Uh, ok. Amber rolled her eyes. She also called off (sort of) the wedding and the engagement (sort of). Grab the plunger, Matt!
Butch. Is. Back. And he’s playing with a goat whilst in a wife beater. So basically things are status quo in Butch’s world. I actually feel really bad for him. He tells us all that he’s going back to church because he needs to get his “spirituality on track.” He then asks Ty if he ever hated himself and then said that he’s there right now. Wait, did he mean he hated Ty? I jest. He is, of course, self-loathing. That makes me Sad Claus. He doesn’t want to use drugs anymore and he’s just getting tired. I legit feel really bad for him. Butch was fighting back tears and I was fighting back yelling at the TV “grow back your rat tail” but it just seemed like an inappropriate time. #IHaveManners
In closing, know who’s kind of a nightmare? Mackenzie. She went to visit Ryan in rehab (no cameras allowed) and then she talked to the producer after about how in therapy Maci triggers Ryan and how she is so mad at Maci for being fake and making Ryan seem like a bad guy. I think at this point I’m on Team Maci. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m always on Team Loser, but this time make the exception to join an additional team. Oh, and did Maci say that Ryan was spending $10,000 a week on drugs?! How much do these Teen Mom’s and Dad’s make?!?! I knew I was doing something wrong!