Farrah – It’s Baby Goop’s first day of second grade and she’s up, dressed, and ready to terrorize kids her own age, which is a nice change of pace. I wonder if she’ll bring weeds from the highway for Show & Tell day? Time will tell…and, er, show I guess. Per usual, Debra and Farrah fight the whole car ride to school because Debra thinks educated people shouldn’t be stuck in traffic. So I guess that’s a thing. I can’t wait for Goop to be able to play these tapes back to her attorney in 15 years when she’s pleading “not guilty” to chopping up her entire family. If I’m on the jury I’ll vote “not guilty.” Do you vote? Is that how that works? I guess we’ll wait for Judge Judy to fill me in.
Later, the whole fam gets together for lunch and Michael brings his GF Amy and Amy brings her hair. It’s really one of my favorite scenes in a while. The convo starts up about the manager Farrah hired for her furniture store being recommended by Amy and next thing you know Farrah’s trying to convince everyone that she just wants to hire people via text because she doesn’t have time for people lying to her face. Debra, of course, tries to say…uh…no you should meet people you’re going to hire and Farrah thinks it’s the craziest thing she’s ever heard in her entire life. Amy awkwardly cuts her meat (lunch, not Michael’s) and looks like she’s pondering if there’s anything on the market that takes care of frizz.
The fighting continues on “the next day” when Debra starts asking Farrah about Simon and Farrah doesn’t want someone with a beard in her life. So that’s cool I guess. Next up they start fighting over how Debra claims she met a wonderful man and Farrah starts swearing at her saying she’s been engaged two times already since her divorce and those didn’t work out. Engaged 2 times? It’s funny because as I started hearing this I was saying in my mind “Engaged 19 times? Prostitution whore!” but it was different this time. Also, Farrah spilled the beans that growing up Debra had “other men in the house” and something tells me this is allll true and I love it. I did real bad for Debra when the Big F told her to go to her room and not talk to her daughter. If this happens when the camera are there what do you think happens when the cameras are gone? I say black-eye city! However, I did squeal with delight when F-bombs were bursting in air and then all of a sudden Debra was like, “Sophia, your pizza is ready!” All. Completely. Normal.
It actually gets worse. Actually it gets a little funny first because Farrah legit asks Baby Goop for parenting feedback on how she can be a better mom and Goop goes, “You changed. You went from nice to rude.” Slow clap for that child genius. Being a cool mom, Farrah awkwardly tells Goop that isn’t true and that she’s the one who’s winey lately. So that was nice. Goop goes “you make me winey” and I honestly think Goop is the smartest person on this show/the earth. Sadly, things take a turn when the producer is talking to Debra in her bedroom/jail cell and she’s crying because she’s not allowed to leave the room and how her family hates her and she’s not allowed to be happy. She then cries more and asks the producer “Why am I even alive?” Ouch stuff just got real. Anyway, I’ll answer that. Debra is alive because Who-Ville would be less “Who-y” without her. Plus, she needs to hang on for a spinoff with Barb that is currently part of my morning prayer-circle with my stuffed animals.
I don’t care what it looks like, Farrah and her mom are getting along so well! Oh sure they’re busy fighting about how each of them communicate differently and Farrah calls Debra “sweetheart” and a “dumb b*tch” but that’s really just poetry from a traditional Hallmark Mother’s Day card. I also think it’s biblical. Ah yes, it’s in the new testament where I believe Mary Magdalene said, “Fear not, ye old dumbest of b*tches, for I will prostitute myself throughout ye caves and speak in tongues to many a-ding-a-lings for ye, sweetheart are a backdoor teenage mother.” I mean, I’m paraphrasing, but you get the gist.
Anyway Debra, her trash claw, Farrah, and Farrah’s lips are all yelling at swearing at each other in the kitchen while the producers look on (awkwardly) about communication and which famous tv doctors Debra doesn’t like. Apparently she thinks they all have problems of their own, but Farrah doesn’t care. I was just bummed that Dr. Huxtable wasn’t on the short list they were fighting about. The conversation, seconds later, goes to Debra saying that Farrah needs to forget about the past and Farrah decides to bring up that time she and Debra played a family-friendly game of “Eat the cake, Anna Mae” Ike and Tina style. Debra of course denies she ever hit Farrah and Farrah responds by saying, “Hey dumb b*tch, right, I hit myself in the mouth.” Honestly, unless they’re willing to point on the dolly where someone touched Farrah in her bathing suit region, this will never get resolved. Eh, at least we got a classic “ugly cry” from her so for those of you playing along at home, please stamp your Bingo cards and take a shot.
Completely sidetracking, but while Farrah could potentially be the spawn of Satan (allegedly…waiting for the paternity results to come back), there is part of me that feels like she has to now support Debra and Michael and I have a feeling that they just might take advantage of her on the regular. I’m not saying that her behavior is acceptable, but I’m sure it’s frustrating that she is now playing the role of the parent/provider and her parents are the spoiled teens who just want to get a face full of work and not actually, you know, work-work. Also, work, work, work, work, work as the wise Rihanna once said.
Amber – So somehow I kept missing Amber’s scenes this week, but I think I’m caught up. Oh and that’s code for I was making sandwich after sandwich when the commercials came on and, well, it took me longer than planned. Here’s the thing that frustrates me, Amber and Sully are doing a legit interview with some “blogger” named Matt about their lives. Um, I’ve been writing about this god-forsaken show since it started as 16 & Pregnant and I can’t even get Barb to follow me on Instagram (believe me, I tried). Speaking of which, follow me here on Instagram and I’ll have a fun surprise for y’all this Wednesday…especially for the reality tv fans. Apparently Matt is going to help Matt write a book about his life and put all these rumors to rest once and for all. Um, yeah because by the time that book actually comes out people are really going to want to know what was true from a rumor that was started (probably on this here site) back in early 2016. It’s like, just write a blog post or get a sponsored Instagram post and call it a day. P.S., if you want to see what the cover of Matt’s book is going to be (and I honestly can’t believe this is what it’s going to look like), head over here because people have been posting it left and right. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Anyjunk, blogger Matt (grrrr) is chit-chattin’ with Amber and Sully about how it was when they first started dating and Sully admits that he wasn’t sober during that time. Shocker. Apparently Amber found his pills of choice, flushed them down the toilet, and then threw the bottle at him all while she shook her shoulders up and down and sang, “Don’t go chasing waterfalls.” Fine, I made that last part up but, I mean, that’s how I’d do it.
Sully admits he wanted to “swim after” those pills but since he can’t fit down the toilet he decided to just sober up because he wasn’t going to choose drugs over Amber. And by “Amber” I believe he means “her money/fame.” I think it’s good strategy. Give up the drugs now and then when you’re just living in her house for free and not working and she really starts brining in the big checks that’s when you totally up your drug game to the good stuff. Are people still doing molly? If so, he should do that. Miley says it’s fine. Where was I? Oh yeah, Amber says she knows that Sully is a good guy and honest and when she says that they close up on him blinking a million miles an hour so, well, there’s that. I just want Amber to be happy…and sober…and not broke. So as long as she can keep all those things in check, I’m happy for her.
Catelynn – What do you get the couple that has everything? Apparently a horse. The Lisa Vanderpump of the midwest, Catelynn decides to tell Tyler that interested in possibly buying a horse that she can ride when she’s feeling a panic attack come on. Tyler looks at her like
that purple hair she’s crazy and Cate looks back at him like he’s a boyband reject she’s justified in this decision. I think it makes complete sense. If you buy a pig and it doesn’t work out, obviously upgrade to a horse. After horse just buy a human. I’m thinking iCarly 1.0. Circle of life, my friends.
Cate tries her hand at learning about horses by going to the stables. Her plan is to, literally, get to know each horse each week and figure out which one she loves. If she loves one right away she wants to buy it. Great. Sadly, as the cowboy-ish man tries to school her on all things “horses” (I assume things like ‘hay’ and ‘horse shoes’) Nova-Lee-Jobeth the III is having a tantrum to beat the band. Instead of beating the band, however, she’s playing ‘fists of fury’ with Cate and Cate’s not having it. Nothing was more awkward (besides the purple hair) than the cowboy-ish man who looked like if he did have any kids currently at home he’d sell them to Brandon and Teresa if they were still in the market for buying babies. Oh I totally forgot to mention this before, but April is ‘away’ for three days so Cate and Ty are house-sitting. First off, is that like “prison lingo” and second, housesitting for what? I’m pretty sure she has all her McDonald’s Monopoly scratch-offs are locked up in her safety deposit box, so I’m sure everything will just be fine.
Later, Cate comes home to tell Ty about her horse experience (I can’t believe we’re still talking about this) and how it’ll help her panic attacks. Speaking of which, know what was giving me a panic attack? Tyler’s leather short-sleeve hoodie he was sporting. He was dressed like a Fly Girl or someone who was about to get into a breakdance fight in an empty parking garage. Either way, Cate is set on getting her a horse and explains to Tyler that stable boarding fees can be anywhere from $100/month to $600/month. The point being is that it’s still about $400 less per month than parking a car in NYC…just to put it in perspective for him.
Tyler thinks that Cate should just volunteer at a stable then be able to ride for free, but Cate is insisting she buy her own horse that she can just immediately ride whenever she’s having panic-troubles. I think that makes sense. Sadly I feel like she’s going to need to use that horse as a daily mode of transportation before she’s “cured.” She then basically vision-boards the horse because she sets her intention out loud that “one day I will have my own horse.” I agree with her and think she should get one. I mean, sure it will help calm her down, but I think that they can dress the horse up as a little girl and then try to do a little switch-er-oo with iCarly 1.0 the next time they’re picnicking with Brandon and Teresa. Just a thought. Just a very-good-well-thought-out-thought. Who’s with me?!
Maci – What happens in Vegas…who cares.