Farrah – You know what always makes me cringe, besides Farrah’s burnt red weave, is when Debra still talks in the baby voice to Baby Goop. When she shows up the hotel room to “hand deliver” her wedding invitation she basically baby talks Goop into a coma. I get that it’s cute when they’re, you know, babies, but what she’s doing now couldn’t make me want to deny my citizenship more! And you can totally see Goop talking back to her like that. And then Farrah does it and, well, then we’re all just in one sticky gross baby talking mess. Anyway, Goop rips the invite out of DebzOG’s hand and we all get to witness that in the wedding invite, Debz addresses herself as “Debra Danielsen EMBA.” I was like, “She spelled ‘WNBA’ wrong.” Seriously, for a hot second I thought she played basketball in addition to being a rapper, of course. Even Farrah is confused. I mean, we can’t actually see the confusion on her face as a real-life Glow Worm never shows their true feelings (outside of lighting up at night). Farrah isn’t sure she’s going to be one of the 125 attending the wedding and I’m pissed my invite never made its way to my home. Rude.
Oh, but you know who is invited? Amber. Yep. Apparently Debz wants someone there who’s going to crash through the wall like the Kool Aid man and, well, Amber is a real strong contender. Farrah doesn’t love this idea (shocker) and so they begin to argue and Goop just blocks her ears and marches back and forth across the room. No one is going to have to point on the doll when they grow up because they can just give the therapist all these tapes to figure out exactly where they got F’d up. Did any of that make sense? I can’t concentrate with these two hens clucking. Is that even a thing? Also, I’m 90.
Later, Baby Goop needs to be ready to walk the red carpet for some event they’re going to so Farrah invites over a quite large drag queen to show Goop a thing or two. This includes pointing to where you’re going to walk and playing with your hair. Goop looks horrified. I do like, however, that Farrah is intro’ing drag queens into Sophia’s life. I just think Farrah thought she’d get more of a rise out of this than she did. She should have tried that in 2015, you know, when that was more of a shocking thing. #HelloProgress.
You know who can never win? Debra. She simply sent Farrah and email with an article about marriage and Farrah lost her shiz. I assume she’s getting more mad because I think her hair is turing a darker shade of red. Can that happen? Per usual mother and daughter fight and Baby Goop goes to her happy place. Hey, let’s start a drinking game where we have to take a shot every time Goop goes to her happy place. I’d be getting my stomach pumped by the halfway point. Spoiler Alert: I usually have to by that point anyway. BURN!
It’s time for the big runway show! I still have no clue what it’s for. All I do know is that Farrah and Goop are dressed goth and as Goop is getting her hair done backstage Debz LEGIT says “You should give her a tattoo for her forehead.” I mean. What?! Unless that tattoo says “F**k the Law” I’m not interested. How is that even a suggestion!? Either way, they both awkwardly walked the runway like robots and then it was over. I’m asking an honest question right now…what is her job?
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Catelynn – I still feel bad for Butch. I, like all true Americans, really want him to kick his drug habit and get better once and for all. I also want him to grow that braided rat tail again, but that’s just my wish. Almost like a Bucket List type of thing, you know? Anyway, Tyler feels like he’s always going to just be pissed at Butch (how dare he!), but still wants him to check in to rehab so he no longer has to call him a crackhead when they get into fights like when he was little. I was a little pissed when Cate started to bring up when April was using, but then she got cut off so Ty Ty Banks could keep talking about Butch. I was like, “I need to know more of April’s backstory and I need to know it right quick!” Sometimes I like to quote myself.
I think other stuff may have happened, but I blacked out. All I know is that Cate and Ty try calling Butch over and over again, but he won’t answer. They keep getting his voicemail, but his outgoing message is just “BUTCH.” Priceless. They call him like 5 times and all you hear each time is “BUTCH.” Sidenote, I’m changing my outgoing right now as we speak.
In the end, the good news was that Butch was FOUND! He was at Ty and Cate’s new house building a fence. Hey, a fence today and maybe a big beautiful wall in Mexico tomorrow? But first, rehab. Best of luck Butch. BUTCH.
Amber – Amber’s new man is really fitting in with everyone. Well, at least in the hair and makeup room as they get ready for the MTV Music Awards or “The VMAs” as someone somewhere calls them. He almost reminds me of Matt, but without the accent and some additional lbs. That’s short for “pounds.” I love how they met on the set of Marriage Bootcamp and I love that he explains that he lives in Malibu. Well, his parents do. Apparently he still lives with his parents? No shame. If my parents lived in Malibu I would never move out and I would never get a job. I’d just stalk some reality stars on “the Twitter” and see where the chips fell. I guess he half did that. I also loved how he started to pour some tequila into his orange juice whilst filming the scenes. If I were ever on a reality show I’d be drunk 95% of the time. The other 5% of the time I wouldn’t be filming because I was hungover. I feel like I’d be the one where the producers are knocking on my door to come inside and film and I just wouldn’t answer. I mean, I never really thought about this before. I’m kidding. I think about it 4 times per day and 8 times on Sunday (when at church).
I loved seeing them all at the awards. It’s like getting knocked up at 16 was 1,000,000% worth it. Am I right? Who wouldn’t have done that if they knew they’d be living this magical life. Even Gar Bear was at the VMAs and the crowd loved him. Some random chick was asking him questions with a tiny tape recorder so I’ll just assume she’s building a sexual harassment case of some sorts because, well, that’s the world we live in now people! #GarToo
Amber’s new lover, whom I believe is a young Dom DeLuise, didn’t love that no one was really asking him questions at the VMAs. P.S.,, I just wanted to make sure everyone knew I was basically of retirement age by using a Dom DeLuise reference. Someone out there must remember. Alas. Amber kinda looked pissed for a second like Dom wanted the spotlight. Honestly, I don’t care. Mainly because we already know at this point Amber is “with child” so looks like this guy will be around for a while. I say good for her. I also say “Keep your legs open, but your bank account closed.” I could see that on t-shirts or, you know, religious bric-a-brac. You decide.
Later, Amber is chasing chickens with Leah (as you do) and Dom swung by to pick her up. Amber only wants Dom to meet Gary, but def not Leah yet. So, well you guys, hijinks ensues and next thing you know Dom is meeting everyone. I did squeal with delight when Gary was like, “Yeah so you probably know me…” Dom was like, “I don’t watch TV.” Well, (1) That’s a lie because everyone watches TV and (2) if it’s not a lie it’s a giant red flag if someone doesn’t watch TV. It’s like don’t tell me you only read books. If I could figure out how to add the eye-roll emoji I would insert it here.
In the end, Amber and Dom do shots of tequila, talk about maybe wanting more kids, and Amber puts her dirty foot on Dom’s yellow khaki pants. Yep, all that happened. What a time to be alive!
