Farrah — This trip to Italy is really never ending but, let’s just be clear, they saved the best for last. Farrah and Debz decide to head out to an Italian karaoke bar because, sure, why not. I mean, it makes sense since there’s just basically one country left that doesn’t hate us. The karaoke bar looks like it’s in someone’s basement and The Big F says she doesn’t do karaoke so this should be fun. It actually is fun because after Farrah pretty much makes fun of the locals, the DJ introduces himself to them and Debra refers to herself as “DebzOG” and then heads up on stage to actually sing “Debz OG” for the crowd, who dances very sexual to the song by the way. I’m not sure if she’s actually singing, if she’s singing to her track, if the music is coming out of her phone, or if MTV just dubbed it in but, either way, it’s all magical and it’s all really happening. And you know those Italians were all thinking, “First the kids from Jersey Shore ransacked our country and now this sex puppet and her rapping mother are having their way with us!” There’s a meatball joke in there somewhere.
Later, DebzOG really wants Baby Goop and Farrah to come to her wedding. So much so that she’s already picked out a crown of thorns for Goop and two dresses from where I can only assume is the Easter aisle at Macy’s. Sale rack, of course. Goop looks like she’d rather do #2 into her Barbie Dream Home than film any of these scenes. Debra, of course, starts to high-pitch cry and talk at the same time which is really always such a treat for both the eyes and ears. Farrah’s like, “Yeah we don’t know if we’re going, but at least Sophia will have some new dresses.” Now that’s love. Debz tries to ask Sophia if she wants to go and before she can answer Farrah starts yelling at her for trying to manipulate her daughter. I miss Daddy Derrick.
There are legit 2 more scenes where people just basically ask Baby Goop if she changed her mind and wants to go to Debz wedding. She still says she doesn’t want to go because she doesn’t like David. For real, two different scenes about the same thing. Yawn. I’m just here for the public firing. When does that happen?! MTV released part of the scene last week so I figure it’s any day now. Unless no one else is able to see it and it’s basically like a dog whistle for me? They’re really playing to their base. I just used political jargon as jokes so I’m going to stop now.
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Amber — I love a pumpkin patch ride. I mean, I don’t but it’s nice when other people are on one bouncing around while on film and trying to pretend all this isn’t awkward. Also, I don’t think I knew how tall Amber’s new boyfriend really was. The Dom DeLuise of our generation is apparently 6’7″. It’s almost as if someone rolled Gary out like dough and made him into Dom DeLuise. At least I think that’s how it works. Anyjunk, Amber is nervous to tell her mom, cousin Krystal Methmas, and the rest of the getalong gang that there’s a baby sleeping in her uppers. However, no one is more nervous in general than Amber’s mom. She’s shaking and spraying and is sitting on the hayride awkwardly laughing and saying, “I don’t know what to say, this is awkward.” I think she needs April in her life. They can have a nervous laugh-off. For real she’s so skittish and I can’t get enough. She basically looks like what would happen if you tried to throw a cat into a pot of soup. Not that I tried that, I’d just imagine.
After being on the hayride for 11 seconds, Amber says, “Ok well I have to tell y’all something” and her mom just goes “Oh God. Don’t put me into shock.” Amber spills the baby beans that she’s with child and no one on the hayride can believe it. I mean, really? If Amber said something like, “I’m taking a break from trying to land a man and focus on getting full custody of my daughter” I’d expect them to be shocked. Pregnant by some new guy? Not so much. Next.
Amber’s poor mother (potentially, literally) is so stunned she can’t say anything. She first asks if it’s Dom’s and allegedly it is. The she starts talking about Matt and how she didn’t like him and then at one point she tries to tell Dom to take care of Amber but I think she says something like “stand for her.” I have no clue. She just folds her face into her hands and says, “I’m so shocked I can’t even talk!” I mean, if this isn’t the new Beverly Hillbillies I don’t know what is! Krystal Meth (my new favorite) really is the Greek chorus and unsung hero all at the same time. She says she’s just psyched that Dom is the father even though she doesn’t know him at all because it’s already better than Matt. They then comment on how shy Dom is and Krystal goes, “Who intimidates him? He’s 8 feet tall!” Good old Krystal. We need to see more of her.
Later, the “good news” is put on the back burner because someone ‘leaked’ the news to ‘the media’ and Dom DeLuise never got to tell his family himself. They had to hear it first on Radar Online because, apparently, they spend their time there? Also, now I’m worried because is he really just that shy or is there something else going on? Like, would he shoot the place up or some-such? I’m nervous.
Catelynn — Apparently everyone on this crapisode is going to a pumpkin patch. I love when all the editing aligns. Was it clear that I don’t have a life? Now that we’re on the same page, why doesn’t Tyler drive anywhere? It’s always Catelynn driving. Does he have his license? Does it matter? Pumpkins are boring.
So after Nova throws a tantrum over juice, they pick some pumpkins with Kim, and do their hayride celebration, later Cate and her friend head out to a random fast-food joint (of sorts) so they could talk about getting knocked to the up, being off birth control, and figuring out if an app can help tell her if she’s ready to conceive. Oh, and Cate lets us know that her boobs hurt so she decides it’s the perfect time to take a pregnancy test. Oh, and she has one with her right now. Oh, and she’s going to take it in the public bathroom. Of the restaurant. So that’s happening. She pees on the stick in the bathroom and then places said stick on the changing table and waits. Did I mention she didn’t place it on a paper towel or anything? Nope, just right there on the changing table. I’m sure another mother is going to be psyched to change her child on a table with reality-show-royalty-piss all over it. Hmmm something tells me Theresa will be there trying to get a sample for something. I don’t know what yet, but it’ll come to me.
Anyway, spoiler alert, Cate is with child and they tell Tyler by having Nova Scotia wear a t-shirt that says something like, “Don’t Sell This One to Brandon and Theresa.” Tyler is shocked. He awkwardly laughs and says “no you’re not” around 15 times. Then Cate kind of bear-hugs him, tries to kiss him, and then just walks out of the room to get her pregnancy piss stick. Now I’m pretty sure in current days, Cate is not pregnant so that’s really sad and totally sucks. She does seem to get pregnant pretty quickly so hopefully they can try again and have some success. Also, for real, Nova has the best personality (1) in general and (2) out of any kid on any of these Teen Mom series. It’s like “Ohhhh so that’s what it looks like when one of them smiles.”
