So I’m bummed I missed last weeks crapisode because I just got caught up and got to see the squalor that Tyler’s sister, Amber, left his house in. There were legit holes smashed through the glass, doors kicked apart, blankets matted to the wet dirt in the side yard and, I’m sure if I hit ‘pause’ more times we’d find Butch’s rat tail torn to shreds. How horrific and terrific all at the same time. It was almost like a COPS, Hoarders, and Teen Mom crossover episode and, well, I’m more than ok with that.
This week, pretty nothing happened. If they could just cut the show down to 3o minutes and scrap a mom or two we’d be back in business. This time around we’re forced to continue to watch the awkward (and choppy) Facetime calls between Bristol and Dakota (North). Apparently Bristol has had a stalker for the last 10 years that all started when her mom was running for Vice President of the United States. For real, how crazy is it to hear her say “When my mom was running for Vice President.” Meanwhile, Catelynn is like “When my mom was running from the law” or “When my mom was running from Butch’s fists-o-fury.” You know. Either. Apparently the stalker broke into Dakota’s home in Dallas and that forced Bristol to start taking self defense classes, which is probably a good idea. Although if it were me I’d either carry an axe around with me (like I was on The Walking Dead) or, you know, a gun in which I’d just shoot into the air with every step I took and every room I walked into. Maybe I’d toss an air-horn into the mix for sport.
Meanwhile, it’s iCarly’s birthday and Tyler and Catelynn are jonesing for a visit. Take a drink every time you think they know it’s not going to happen. I’m drunk. While they wait for Theresa to blow them off on national television they decide to throw iCarly a little party suited up with a cake and invite everyone over, you know, except iCarly. You totally know iCarly was all, “New
Myspace phone, who dis?” when they tried to get in touch with her. I just assume. I’m glad that they’re celebrating her birthday (I believe she’s 9, so that makes all of us super old…except me. I got younger since then). I’m also glad that Kim swung by and knocked back a Corona in honor of the celebration. I was bummed that Dawn the Adoption Busybody wasn’t there, but she showed up in the end to give Catelynn some kind of charm from what I only assume was the last remaining Pandora store in the mall. You know the one. And why were people always lined up outside the store to get in? They’re charms.
Later, Catelynn decides to play story-time with all of us and reads her stalker-like texts to Theresa. Evidently she kept texting her about that yearly visit and Theresa would never write her back. So she just kept texting. And texting. And texting. Uh, any chance Cate was in Dallas lurking around Dakota’s house? Anyway, Theresa finally wrote back to her and was basically like, “Leave Britney alooooooone.” Ok fine, she was explaining that now wasn’t a good time because iCarly was having a hard time finding her place in life and said she needed to mature a bit. Uh, ok? Cate and Ty seemed freaked by that text so when Cate followed up for more details, Theresa was basically like, “You sold your baby to me for Press-On nails in the parking lot of a Fashion Bug so lay off.” Fine. She didn’t say that either. She did, however, explain to Cate that they don’t really owe her any more of an explanation and they’ll be in touch again someday. Just like Frosty the Snowman!
Amber and Gary’s wife had a sad storyline this week so I’m skipping. Luckily in the 11th hour, Ryan’s parents and MacKenzie sat down in the yard to discuss the fact that Ryan just checked himself into a 90-day rehab (again, again) and that he’ll miss the birth of his child, but it’s all good because he’ll be clean and sober for the rest of the baby’s life. Seems like a plan to me. Also, I say good for Ryan. While it was always interesting watching him bug-out on camera and pose for those priceless mugshots, it sounds like he really needs some help. In other news, Ryan’s mom Jen looks the exact same in every single episode she’s in. For real. Identical to the one before. She never changes. Even her hair is exactly the same each week..for years on end. Strand by strand. Perhaps she’s in a wig. Maybe a Kim Zolciak shortie. One may never know.