Well here we are again. Another season, another couple of ye old teenage mothers added to the mix. At this point I’m pretty sure that there are 15 different moms featured in this episode and, well, I’m not sure I actually like it. To be clear, I actually love it. And if I’m being honester I’m really only here for the scenes with Sarah Palin. Who would have known that recapping Teen Mom for 150 years would ever get me to the point where a previous candidate for Vice President of the United States of America would be reading this here blog. For real though, it’s happening.
When Sarah Palin becomes a fan of IBBB should I put up a paywall and start charging everyone to read these recaps? I mean, this is as close to royalty as I’m going to get, you know, with the exception of that one time someone said Meghan Markle liked my old Jersey Shore recaps. And by ‘someone’ I am, of course, referring to my Magic 8 Ball. Either way, I feel more connected to the Illuminati than ever before. See you soon, Beyonce! Also, click here to follow me on Instagram!
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This season the crapisode is jam packed with so many moms and so much footage that the likes of Maci and crew barely get enough camera time. I’m partially ok with that, but I have to admit they really sucked me in with the opening scene that alleged that Ryan called Taylor and threatened to ‘put a bullet’ in him for sassin’ and frettin’ about him on The Twitter. Meanwhile it looks like Maci already has two bullets in her earlobes. For real, is that still a thing? I know Avril Lavigne has one of the top songs on iTunes right now (everything old is new again), but can we retire that look? You don’t see me still wearing my jeans and baseball shirt backwards in honor of Kris Kross. Who’s with me? Can the 30+ readers show themselves? Welcome!
Just to be clear, there won’t be any teen moms on here who dabble in webcam porn? That’s a letdown. I prefer at least one Who from Whoville shaking their no-no’s in front of a miniature horse named Starbusrt at least once per episode. Just me? Truth be told, as of right now I’m not missing Farrah and that storyline unless, you know, it involves a knife-fight-dance-off between her and DebzOG. Oh I wonder if Sarah Palin will drop a rap song on us this year?! Please, please, please!
So who else is here for Bristol? I want to tee off on her, and I’m been spitballing jokes since I knew she was joining this train-wreck circa May 2018 but, if I’m being honest (and I never usually am), she seems kind of normal. And rich. And, well, people with money always make me feel like they’re better than me because, well, they are. You know who else I think has some money? That other new teen mom, Cheyenne. Was her mother driving her around in a Bentley? Not to be confused with when Maci drives around with Bint-Lee. It sounds the same, but it’s different. Now I may not be a car expert as I drive around in a 1985 Oldsmobile Cutless Sierra (2-door, of course) so it may not have been a Bentley or a Bint-Lee. Either way, contrary to popular belief, money can buy you class (my friend). In other news, elegance is learned (oh yeah). Oh, I’m also really into italics now so get ready to read a lot of words that look drunk.
Anyway, yeah, so Bristol seems normal. I mean, I’m not sure if I only remember her from the election 10,000 years ago when she was 17 and pregnant or, you know, if she bought herself a brand new head, but she looks good. She seems quiet and almost dead behind the eyes, but that could just be filming jitters. In a world where a potential future Supreme Court Justice is crying and yelling on camera and pretending like he (allegedly) never blacked out once from drinking (especially when he was on the football team and, you know, loves beer), it was refreshing to see Sarah Palin’s standard updo and eyeglasses back in our lives. It felt comforting. It also made me miss Tina Fey on a weekly basis. To sum up, the world is coming to an end, will implode and you totally know God is all, “No, for real, you guys. This is what you’ve done with everything?!” Notice how God also speaks in italics at times. She’s funny like that.
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I feel bad for Bristol’s husband Dakota (of course there’s no way to know if we’re talking North or South at this point). He fought in the war (I wonder if he saw Javi), unfortunately, lost all of his military buddies, and is now back and suffering from major PTSD and anxiety. It’s kind of crazy to see how that can impact a family (and the person) if you’re not used to seeing what that’s like at all. Bravo, MTV for shedding some light on the matter. It was awkward, however, when Bristol and Dakota were fighting in front of the producers and the us about PTSD and how she thinks he’ll kill himself. Also, it could have been some crafty editing, but it did seem like she kind of thought his anxiety was an excuse. Awkward. Do they get divorced? That’s part of the storyline this season, right? Also, she lives in Austin, TX. I wonder if she’s neighbors with Farrah?! Imagine if they became friends and that was how Farrah got back to filming? I wouldn’t hate it.
You know who also still suffers from anxiety this season? Catelynn. Yep, she’s still in that rehab from last year and poor Tyler is stuck having to raise his daughter basically by himself. He is, of course, breaking down and heading off to some therapy appointment where they put a machine on his earlobes that they claim will calm him down over the course of an hour. Also, did his therapist have a tiny dog on the couch with her? Is this what Obama-Care is? I’m kidding. I, of course, never had any clue what any of that meant. Oh, also, since that last time we recapped together, did you hear that kids are getting addicted to Fortnite? What’s that all about? I used to want to play Zelda all the time when I as little so, basically, I was like a pioneer. Anyway, Tyler is starting to resent Catelynn because she gets to be in rehab and watch movies every night before bed. For real, he seemed the most pissed about her movie-watching. I’m the most pissed that we didn’t see Butch at all in this episode. I wonder how he’s doing? For the sake of the show, hopefully not well (b*tch). Ode to Dorinda.
You know who is doing well? Amber. For real. That whole gang is doing well. How is that for a change of events?! You know things are bad when Amber is living a normal life. She busted out her
first born new baby (a boy named James) and is loving being a full-time mother. Her boyfriend, Dom DeLuise, is also happy with this situation and likes taking care of him and making hamburgers. I could do without all the feet being shown as they sit on the couch and film scenes, but that’s just me. I like a sandwich when I watch and seeing that makes me have to throw said sandwich into the trash and call it a night. In other news, Kristina dyed her hair dark brown and they apparently live on the kind of dirt country road that still allows 18-wheelers to go buzzing by at around 60 mph. Keep your kids inside!
Then there’s Cheyenne. I’m confused. She wasn’t a teen mom, right? She was just on a couple of MTV reality shows and then, you know, got pregnant as someone in their 20’s? She seems kind of normal. And, again, I think her family has money, which always makes me feel better. I’m not sure she deserves the full recap treatment, so I may pass on her moving forward so I have time for the other 10 in these episodes. I will admit, however, that it’s totally refreshing that not all the moms are white because you know, there are other races in our society. It’s kind of like when Friends finally gave Ross a black girlfriend after 10 seasons. Welcome to 1998, Teen Mom!
In the end, Maci and Taylor had to go to court because of Ryan trying to allegedly shoot them. Of course, per usual, cameras were not allowed in the courtroom so we all just sat watching the truck in the parking lot until they came out and had to listen to their dashboard confessional that Ryan isn’t allowed anywhere near them (minus Bint-Lee) and if he contacts them or shows up he’ll go right to jail. Perhaps Jen and Larry could drive him to jail in their golf cart?
Welcome back everyone! Now be sure to share this will everyone you know so we can keep these recaps coming each week/when I have time. And feel free to send directly to Sarah Palin because, and I’m putting it out there, I’ll end up interviewing at some point about Teen Mom. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America. Oh also, I believe her.
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