It’s been quite a year for girls who “gave it up” at a young age, found themselves “with child” and simultaneously starring in their own television reality series. At the same time, I have watched endless hours of these girls over the course of 2010 and have learned a thing or two. Since I’m a giver, I thought I’d share with you what I’ve learned in hopes that you will share this high level of knowledge with your family and friends.
9. If you propose to your mentally unbalanced girlfriend/mother of your child, you should do it when high tide isn’t rolling in and you should “ask” her to marry you…don’t “tell” her to marry you. (Don’t repeal “Do Ask, Don’t Tell”)
8. Cutting up your husbands face whilst tipsy off of Twisted Tea and filing a drunken police report will most likely send him to court ordered rehab and cost you $1500 to hire a lawyer to help you help him. Note: Your daughter isn’t likely to front you the money even though you did write Crayola based letters to the parole board.
7. If you talk back enough to your mom on national television she will eventually punch you in the face and answer the door with two butcher knives, increasing the chances she’ll be shot by police instantaneously. On the flip side, she will also become an expert in garbage removal and trash-claw operations.
6. Even after you clarify to your “nana-in-law” what the definition of actual sex is, if there is even a hint of doubt your boyfriend may not be the father of your baby please be prepared for a little something called “some rumble in the jungle.” Oh, and please also be prepared to piss on a DNA stick because said “nana-in-law” is likely do have a spare test kit in the parlor.
5. Taking your newborn baby horseback riding whilst being southern will automatically get a joke from IBBB and will ignite a modern day civil war in the comments section of this site.
4. If you treat your baby like it’s a dog or cat where you just leave it on the couch and go out “paaahtyin,” your heavily accented mother may call you out on it, especially if you’re her “little b*tch of a daughter.” On the bright side, you’re also likely to get cast in a spin-off show like Teen Mom 2. Silver lining.
3. When your BFF is named Pearl and has a scene where she blurts out to you “I can’t believe this thing came out of your vagina…nasty!” she will steal the show and the hearts of America.
2. In a moment where you slap your partner in the face, then punch your partner in the cheek, then flip the hat off your partners head, then fake-out punch your partner in the jaw, then try to push your partners TV down the stairs, then kick partner in the arse while he walks down the stairs and it’s all captured on camera, you can always pretend you don’t remember any of it happening by claiming you had a “white out” experience. It’s fine. Dr. Drew said it’s a “real thing.”
1. If you leave your baby unattended and it falls off the couch and smashes its head, an “ugly cry” will get you out of almost everything. Note: The “ugly cry” will not get your money back from a Craigslist car scam. Dummy.