I’m not going to lie to you (which differs from the norm), but this blog post title may be the best I’ve ever written in the land of evers. Had I been on stage I would have simply dropped the mic, Shasta’d in my pants, and then moonwalked into the orchestra. This is also known as a traditional Tuesday night in my neck of the woods. Shout out to Woodsie Owl what what! Anyjunk, MTV pulled the “gotcha gotcha” on me this week and made this trash 1.5 hours. It’s odd that they’re unaware that I enjoy slumber by 11pm sharp, as when I don’t receive a standard 10 hours of sleep I am a bit on the cranky side. Lookout Tuesday! Let’s see what Cindy, Ellen, Mary-Ann, and Chachi are up to this week. Also, I have no idea.
Jenelle – The last 17 seasons of Maury continue this episode because Jenelle still needs to figure out if Andrew is the daddy of Ja¢e or if it’s actually her hoodie. Andrew seems like he’s having 15 different conversations whilst on the phone with Jenelle. First he’s like “heeey” and then he busts into him feeling like he’s not Ja¢e’s father. He then ends the conversation by saying that he’d like to video chat with Ja¢e before the DNA test and then ends the conversation with “I love you.” Odd. Yet, seems to right. Seconds later they’re Skypin’ it up like it’s video-sex-chat and there’s an actual camera on Andrew so you know MTV was ba da ba ba ba, lovin’ it. As are we. The video is as creepy as you could ever imagine. He just starts waving to Ja¢e and says “Hi Jacey!” Ja¢e, of course, immediately says “who’s that?!” Andrew takes a second to say that he knows who he is…and then seconds later takes the rest of the video chat time stating that he doesn’t think Ja¢e looks anything like him, is certain he isn’t his, and then says he can’t wait to take his name off the birth certificate and child support documents. Awww that’s sweet, but save some of those words of encouragement when Ja¢e graduates from high school (fingers crossed). Per usual, Andrew ends the more than awkward conversation by saying, “Ok Ja¢e I love you, buddy.” Uh, really? Is Andrew on “the drugs” or am I? At this point there’s no real way to know.
Later, Blessed Mother Barb and her offspring head on out to take a DNA just like I’m sure Marie Osmond and her mom did in the mountains of Utah. There was a lot of symbolism during the DNA scene because Barb and Jenelle were wearing white (symbolic of purity) and Andrew was in Florida wearing black. While most would think this symbolizes the battle of good and evil, I think it symbolizes what this world is really missing….a good old fashioned Salt N’ Pepa rap-off! Is it wrong that I dream about Barb singing “Shoop” on the regular with a 6-pack of Zima in her hand all filled with Dora crazy-straws? I didn’t think so. After the DNA Jenelle heads out to an ice cream store (because that’s what you do after a DNA) that was inspired by Barb and called “Flava’s.” I mean, brilliant. Jenelle is trying to explain to her friend about the DNA test and how she thinks it’s “the other guys” baby. She implies that’s it’s going to be real pain in the balls to try and track him down. I’m sure she can just swing by the local homeless shelter and have at it. Jenelle then says something that will haunt me until the end of days, which is “I don’t understand. How can you, like, have a kid and just not care?” I know, Jenelle, I know. It’s almost like how can you not strategically place feathers in your hair and get ready to go to a Ke$ha concert and skip out on jail? This is really what life is all about. By the way, you totally know that when Barb goes to “Flava’s” she gets a vaniller ice cream in a cone with Jimmies and maaaaaaaashmallows!
Finally it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. I feel the pressure. Who is the father to Ja¢e? Is it Andrew? Is it that unmarked guy? Is it me? It could be me since I generally send an envelope of my “seed” to all the Teen Mom’s every 3rd Friday of the month. Since I’m not an animal I made sure to start that program once they turned 18. I have class. Anychalkdust, Barb and Jenelle finally get the results at the DNA store (?) that it is with 99.97% certainty that Andrew….is the father. Was it just me or when the lab worker started to read the results all I heard was, “We the jury find the defendant Orenthal J Simpson not guilty…” I, of course was going to start rioting like any good citizen would do. Barb and Jenelle literally do look shocked. It’s not like Barb not to say anything. I actually felt bad. I mean, I didn’t really but it seemed like the right thing to say. As they exit the DNA store you just hear Barb say, “Oh my God this is terrible news. Jace is gonna be so screwed up!” Let’s be real, Ja¢e isn’t going to be any more screwed up by Andrew being his dad than by Jenelle being his mom. It’s like you can’t be “overly dead.” You’re just dead. You’re not like super dead. Simply, dead.
I had to admit I’m kind of pissed that Barb has all this video chatting capabilities, yet she never seems to want to chat with me over 6-12 beers and the like. Alas, they decide to video chat-up Andrew to give him the results. He says he’s 99% sure he isn’t the father and Jenelle lets him know that he 99% is the father. Stop with all the math. I’m over it. Andrew starts to shake and bug his eyes out so it’s either time for his next fix or he really is shocked. He is now determined to be in his 3, 4 or 2 year old sons life. He even gives Barb props by saying that she’s done a great job so far (clearly). When Jenelle lets Andrew know Barb is standing by on video chat he gets all scared and Barb just laughs, “Oh I won’t bite you Andrew!” She cackles like the glorious hen she has become. They end their chat with Andrew’s standard awkward goodbye which consists of “I love you guys.” Barb closes the laptop and laughs, “Haha he loves me.” I couldn’t love Barb any more if I tried! I could, however, do without her smoking cigarettes. It does make her voice sexy though so, well, I’m torn. Later it’s apparently Spring and Barb and Jenelle are catching up and recapping what just happened. That seems strange, but right up Teen Mom’s alley. They both agree that they’ll probably never see Andrew again especially since he’s so “weird and mental.” Jenelle thinks she’ll never get child support from him, but Barb corrects her and says, “Oh he will pay. Because he has to pay me. I will find him and he will pay or he will go to jail.” I mean, had she been married to Pirate Mike those could have legit been her vows to him.
Leah – “Hey y’all! I’m given out birth announcements via voicemail these days so press “1” if you want to leave a message and press “2” if you want to know which baby I’m on these days. Press “3” if you found a pair of purple goggles, y’all!” Leah ends up telling Jeremy that she is “with child” via phone call. Now did she already tell him or are they really all that much dead inside? Moreover, can you technically be pregnant if you still have braces? Won’t it cut the baby whilst giving birth? Babies are born from your mouth right? Oh they’re not? Ohhhh. Well then maybe Leah should have only had sex in her mouth then. The More You Know. Seriously, I thought of stopping my Leah recap at that last sentence. I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to top it. I guess like Chelsea going for her GED, I’ll try a little more.
You know who’s giving Barb a run for her money this season? Dawn, Leah’s mother. First off she always looks like a hot mess and I can’t tell if she’s pissed off at Leah or the camera man…or me. No joke, sometimes I can feel her looking directly at me though my television. We know for sure she’s pissed at Leah this time around because she (with deadpan) says that in order to talk to Leah in person right now she had to be up at the crack of dawn. Speaking of which, are we going to get to see Dawn’s crack or no? Either way, Dawn is less than pleased when she finds out that Leah is in fact pregnant…again…with her 3rd kid…at 20. She first calls her Fertile Myrtle and seems like she is the only one who is willing to talk some sense into Leah. Oh and by “talk some sense into Leah” I, of course, mean “Put on a latex glove, reach on up in there and fix this situation, ya’ll!” And here’s why I’m loving Dawn more and more. When she has nothing nice to say to Leah she just simply says (and I quote), “Well that’s a lot to intake first thing s’morings.” I was like I have no idea what you just said, but that deserves a slow clap and a free all expense paid trip to the geneticist!!
After a talk with her friend with the square-hair-combover Leah now understands that she needs to tell Corey that she is engaged and pregnant (in any given order). Since Leah hasn’t humiliated Corey enough ways since his days on 16 & Pregnant, she makes sure to invite him over to her “home” with the camera crew so they can “have a talk.” Corey probably thinks he’s walking into a camo trucker hat intervention but, clearly, that would take place here in NYC (and by me) and not in East-West Virginia. Leah ends up spilling the beans that she is engaged and it gets pretty awkward. I wasn’t sure if Corey was saying words or simply making sounds. He then talks about rumors he’s heard about her being pregnant and, well, since they’re adults they decide that Leah will confirm or deny this via writing on the Magnadoodle…you know, just like the same way you told your husband you were pregnant. Leah writes a giant “Y” on the Magnadoodle and so it shall be done. I actually felt bad for Corey at this point because he started to cry a little and, well, that really sucks. Sure we know how this ends but I kind of view them as the white-trashier version of Ross and Rachel. This poor kid can’t catch a break. And now he’s forced to try and hold back the tears while a camera crew is all up in his face. He kept saying he was happy for her, but he kept wiping his eyes. Boo to that sh*t. He should immediately go and bang and marry Dawn and then he can be Leah’s step-daddy and then molest her and junk. You know, circle of life.
In the end (because I’m sleepy-pants) Leah is having mixed feelings about her feeling in regards to Jeremy and Corey. She tells Square Hair her concerns and Square Hair thinks she shouldn’t get married if she’s conflicted. Um, can someone tell her it’s ok to get an abortion too? I mean, is it? I don’t know. Is it legal? Do you go to the hospital for that or, like, walk up a back alley and have a high Macy Gray do the work? Someone catch me up. Either way, she’s conflicted and ends up telling Corey she’s conflicted but, in the end, she decides to move ahead with her marriage and leave Corey in the West Virginian dust. Per usual Corey is humiliated and knows that he let a “good thing” go from his life. I guess he should have worked harder at trying to keep Leah. Perhaps that awkward conversation between he and his dad will reveal that. Also, I don’t care. Fine, I do a little.
Kail – Know who’s worse in relationships than me? Kail. I thought I was a tragic mess. Spoiler Alert: I am. However, Kail seems to go all 6’s and 7’s as well. It’s almost Issac’s 2nd birthday and so she is hanging out with Javi about the big day and they awkwardly talk about where they’re at in their fauxlationship. Javi is playing the role of the dame and Kail is playing the role of the lad. I can’t tell if Kail is jokingly being mean to Javi, if she’s actually that mean, or if she is just basically in heat. I’m, of course, going to assume that she’s in heat. I picture it to be the same as when Suzi is in heat, which basically equates to her shaking, falling off her chair, and then dry humping a speed bump in the parking lot of a Pearl Optical. I miss Kail’s old home because her drive-thru home made me so uncomfortable, however it’s probably just because (a) it’s 17 times the size of my apartment and (b) always makes me want to smear fast food all over my face and then complain why I’m all broken out and seizing on my kitchen floor. I’m sure you’d think the same.
Later it’s Spring break and Kail is taking some time off from her journey along the Yellow Brick(s) Road. Her rapping ex, Jo, is heading over to drop Issac off in a traditional game of “Not it!” However Jo is coming over for reasons other than a kid/life swap. He has a letter. A letter from V. Apparently V (Jo’s current booty-clapping main squeeze other than Janet) is not familiar with the world of “online” and “the email” and has hand-written a letter to Kail like she would most likely write to her big daddy in jail. Kail decides to read said letter out loud and aloud all at the same time. I was very disappointed that Jo didn’t “rap” the letter while Janet hid in the background working the smoke machine with two lime green glow-sticks in her brassiere and a fresh grill that says ‘YOLO’ in her mouth/mouf. V seems like she knows many of the words in “the language” and is pretty nice about respecting Kail and her “mothering.” You would have thought V stated that DSS is on their way and how the Cowardly Lion was a prick the way Kail reacted. Sadly (and cowardly) Kail thinks that what V wrote meant nothing to her and how she doesn’t plan on meeting her until she is good and ready. I think someone has supermarket rap video envy! I feel her pain. I’d also like to feel that chiny-chin-chin. After Jo tells Kail to F-off they decide to part ways, but not before she tries to toss the letter at him. Can’t she mail it via the post-office? I’m sure V had her return address posted in the top left corner. Eh, maybe she can origami the hell out of it and pass it back to her when they’re in homeroom tomorrow morning before the big pep-rally. Yawn. Chin up (literally) Kail, it’ll get better.
The rest of Kail’s scenes bored me to tears. It’s no offense to her but I just will cry when I’m bored and/or sh*t myself. It’s, like, a thing I guess. All I know is that I think I witnessed 15 different birthday parties for Issac and I was relieved I wasn’t at any of them. V tossed a little sass back towards Kail for not responding well to the letter. She seemed angry enough that I was afraid her two long strands of bangs were going to catch fire and torch her head. At least in the end, Jo and Kail could come together and “rocks, paper, scissors” their future decisions together. Maybe if they just tried “condoms, birth control, abortion” we wouldn’t even be watching this right now. Wow two abortion jokes in one recap? I must be really aiming high. Oh, sure I forgot to mention this earlier, but what was up with Kail’s friend Toni? She seems nice and normal and well adjusted and providing great advice to Kail about her feelings, current situation, etc. Then, uh, she was back for like 3 more scenes spewing out the same positive energy and I was like, Ok relax there Toni.” Is she “that friend” that kinda tries to be your mom in every situation? Sure sound advice is good from time to time, but it’s also ok to kick back with you and split a gallon of $9.99 vodka. No one needs you judging my drinking, Toni!
Chelsea – Got her GED so now she can legally cut hair?
Well that’s all folks (as some pig once said). Be sure to click on the Facebook Recommend Button (above, below, and everywhere) so you can share this recap with your Facebook friends. It means a lot to me to sell out this way, so please continue to support me via my kind of child support.